Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

I don't think it's age related. Some people are active and outgoing and some aren't. It's not up to you to try and change them but at the same time they can't force you to be like them. They will have to accept they will see less of you as you enjoy different lifestyles.

God no, not normal at all.
I'd be tempted to have a very clear:
'So, once the baby has grown up a bit, we won't be wanting every visit to be sitting indoors as its not going to be fun for them or us, I just want to give you a bit of a heads up ahead of time, we're going to be really tight on time off and we're going to want to spend that time out and about mostly. I just wanted to let you know now, so you aren't suprised if we suggest visits are at the park etc'
Look, might be an odd way to go about it, or might cause a huff, but at least they'll have had warning!

Have you ever actually said 'I really don't want to sit inside on my time off, it's really boring, I want to do things with you'?

Some of my extended family are like this, but my parents have always liked getting out. When your baby arrives you’ll be able to tempt them outside for walks or trips to the swings hopefully?

have they always been like this? What did they do with you when you were kids?

See other thread currently running on what’s normal at 60! No, this isn’t normal at all IME. I am 59, DH a few months older, we are both working, travelling internationally together and alone, up and down to London, physically active, out at restaurants and events now and then, etc. Our friends are similar. Unless there are medical issues this seems very restricted behaviour to me. Sorry, not sure what you can do about it, though, if they’re happy as they are.

I hope so too. It’s all a bit wearing - I’ll suggest things and just get negative responses back, whereas MIL is always out and about with her various DC and DGC doing bits and bobs, even if it’s not ‘big’ stuff like holidays/days out etc.

They’ve never been very interested in activities, although they did take us on holiday every year when we were children, so I’d feel ungrateful to criticise them on that front. But they were very much ‘sit and watch’ parents rather than playing/swimming with us or joining in, especially my mum. My brother and I were really pushed by them academically but never did extracurricular activities or sports at all until we were more independent at uni. None of us had hobbies as such, and my parents still don’t now that it’s just the two of them at home.

Feels like we are getting more and more of these people who are old before their time! I can't help but wonder if some might be suffering with long covid - it totally saps your energy and drive and is quite mentally depressing. Might that be possible?

I agree it is not age related. Some people like doing new and exciting things, some people don't. My parents (for example) are mid 70s and are planning a month long trip to India.
I know a youngish man (20s) who lives on my street who still lives with his parents, games all day and does very little with his life, while others are off to uni, starting careers, travelling etc.
Some people are yes people, some people are no people. Some people are radiators, some are drains. It's obviously not as binary as that but I've found that life is a lot more interesting if you surround yourself with yes people.

That’s an interesting point, but my dad doesn’t believe in long covid 😐 it could be general fatigue from pandemic life, possibly?

Sorry, I haven’t seen the other thread, I’ll take a look.

I wouldn’t describe them as happy, they just seem to be existing. It’s quite depressing to witness, really

Goodness no, I’m this age and out and about all the time. Travel anywhere alone, up to London regularly, probably visit my adult DC more often than vice versa, up for most things.

However, a few of my friends are getting increasingly like this. Not all, but some. It’s so boring. Who wants to spend the next 30 years (hopefully!) sat at home doing nothing. I think it’s a personality thing mainly though I think it can manifest itself more as people age.

Oh well, if it doesn't exist then they are okay! :)

Long covid has made me feel like I've aged physically and mentally, by about thirty years. I sound like your parents but I'm only 50!

My parents are around same age. Their routines changed completely during COVID and they got so used to being at home and haven’t snapped out of it.

What sort of jobs do they do? Most people in their late 50s are still working full time and for some this can take up most of their energy, leaving little available for extras

My brother and I were really pushed by them academically but never did extracurricular activities or sports at all until we were more independent at uni. None of us had hobbies as such, and my parents still don’t now that it’s just the two of them at home.

This is nothing to do with their ages - this is how they are, and how they created your family. Why would they suddenly change?

What are your hobbies and activities now?

No not normal at all. My parents are late 60s and still active and like going places and doing stuff, they have just booked a holiday abroad.
Even my gran was still going out and about until her late 80s when her health prevented it

@bemusedbertha

It's not age related. I once had someone in my team, no desire to travel, even visit anywhere in the UK. She didn't read, go the cinema, no interests. Her life consisted of work, her boyfriend ( I'm baffled how she managed to meet anyone) She made a complaint about me because I arranged s team event outside of the city, transport provided, and tried to get another team member to make a bullying allegation about me because I arranged some training for her which involved getting a train.
She was 22

Definitely not age related , I’m late 50s and my husband is in his 60s and we are always out and about . I also go on lots of short breaks with my daughter and to lots of concerts . My sisters are both older than me and equally active . My in-laws were late 40s/ early 50s when I met them and they’ve always acted like a pair of frail 85 yr olds . Set the expectations for visits with your child from the start ie we will be going out for a walk , visiting a farm park etc and don’t be swayed .

Not normal at all. I am late 50s, DP is late 60s, we are out and about doing stuff all the time (gigs, plays, long walks, road trips, a month on trains round Europe, all sorts).

It sounds like it is just your parents' personalities, and there is nothing you can do about that, but you don't have to condemn yourself to hours of sitting around getting bored with them when your DC arrives - you can say no and set whatever boundaries you want.

My ex husband's mum was like this. Her and her husband just sat in the front room watching tv all day every day. They had no friends, no social life, no holidays. It always struck me as bizarre as my parents were the complete opposite. I'm 55 but still have a young child to care for so this is unimaginable to me. I do think some people are old before their time or think an arbitrary age is when they consider themselves old. I have to say I wouldn't be pandering to this. Life is far too short.

Some people are gadabouts, and some people are homebodies. Neither are abnormal.

I'm 60. Yesterday I climbed a mountain and today I've been sea swimming and am now building a shed in my garden. It's not an age thing, it's a personality thing.

That said, they're individuals and it's up to them how they live their lives - sounds like they've always been like this and will always be like this.

Live life your way, invite them to the things you want to do and, if they don't want to do them then you go ahead. See them when it suits you. All of that said, when your little one comes along they might be a great help to you.

Agree- say something.

As a kid we had to spend every Sunday at my grandparents house and though they were fit and had no mobility or money issues at all, all we ever did was eat the same meal every single Sunday and sit in their lounge whilst the tv was on. They never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. It was the most boring, mind numbingly tedious routine every bloody Sunday and I came to dread weekends because of it when I was a child. Dont do that to your kids!!!

It occurs to me I'm becoming a bit 'stay at home'; I'm 61. I think I know why to an extent.

My get up and go evaporated with menopause at 50, but I think I'm getting worse. But I used to work 3 days a week and I liked my days off alone at home (DC in school or away at uni); now DH has retired, and both DC are home (one works, the other still looking, post degree); I do a bank job 1-3 days a week but I'm never alone at home, so if DH decides to go on a big walk/ gig etc with DC, I'll often opt out to be alone!

But I'm making the effort to go to a family thing tomorrow, solving puzzles and away abroad with DH next week.

I have to re-engage.

It’s one of many strange (and exasperating) opinions they hold. I’m really sorry it’s affected you so badly - I know friends and colleagues who have been/are going through similar, and it’s really changed their lives.

It doesn’t sound age related.

I really wouldn’t start sending emails as suggested by pp. Trying to dictate what you’ll all be doing next year with a baby that isn’t even born yet is pretty controlling and weird and unlikely to lead to your parents having a complete personality change. If you must, maybe just say something like “It’ll be so nice going to the park together once the baby is here” but there isn’t really any need for that either.

This is just what your parents are like and how they have been your whole life. They aren’t going to change. Better to accept it and decide what you’re willing to do in terms of spending time with them. Unfair to compare them to your in laws, who presumably also have faults, as do we all.