Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

Nope not normal at all.

I know a lot ( not all!) of people in their 20's and 30's look at people in their 50's as old and past it....but we're really not !!!
Aging comes to us all and your body changes but your brain stays the same.

Im 56 in the new year, I run my own business, have a young teenage son, I'm out every day meeting clients, we ( hubby late 50's ) go away for weekends several times a year and just love life.

Everyone ages differently. Your parents have obviously got in a habit of doing nothing, and that suits them.

You can't force them to change, so just accept it and keep visits minimal.

If they do visit, tell them that you ARE going out and you would like them to join you if they want to spend time with you and their 'soon to be' GC.

Their life is their choice....you don't have to participate .... but they'll get the message I hope.

This was my grandparents! They got to 55, retired and then spent the rest of their lives in their chairs. My great grandfather was retired longer than he ever worked. 55 seems so young to me now, isn’t kylie minogue about that age?!

Because of the experience I have of my mum in my own childhood - walking on eggshells etc (see previous posts).

The posts about my dad being in an abusive relationship are on the money, I think, and they’ve given me a lot of food for thought. It’s not as straightforward as I find them boring, and it’s more to do with my mum’s difficult character and need for everything to revolve around her. Lots to think about before DC arrives. Thanks everyone.

@80smonster

Your posts are dripping with disdain

My parents have never taken my son to a show, London or otherwise, cinema or lots of other 'cultural' activities.

They did take him on the Mersey ferry, the wild fowl centre, for ice cream and McDonalds. They played scrabble and read to him down the phone. They took him to church and to play on the swings in the park.
We are all football fans

They think the world of him and their other grandchildren and great grandchildren, who in turn all adore them

Yes we are from the north.

Hilarious. Not many Londoners live in stately homes. Our 5 bed North London terrace would have been a boring/quick tour in any event. Tempted to send a profile of the in-laws to GB, this could be the beginning of their glittering new careers as TV commentators. They are verging on overqualified. 😂

No it's not normal. I'm in my 60's and still going out to bars, lots of holidays, going to the gym, lots of friends. I have a very busy social life. Their life sounds really dull. I don't see how the pandemic could cause them to be like they are. I agree with the person who said warn them that life will be changing. If they don't want to join in that's up to them.

Apologies- I missed that. Sounds like boundaries are required. ❤

No disdain, I just have a very low boredom threshold and my in laws refuse to leave the house. No issue with the North either, not that they have ever showed us round, it’s just not their thing. Maybe it’s just their way, doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. BTW, they aren’t Northern either, they moved there years ago. London’s worst export, not a pot shot at anyone not from the South or North.

Yes the thread is the wrong premise, its about you not really wanting to be around them at all due to toxicity, although people are flawed and I dont hold with a lot of advice dished out on this thread about cutting people off unless they are actively abusive now, but thats my personal view, you have to do what you need.

Well I am late 50s and honestly I feel like life is over. Let your mum and dad do whatever they want honestly I never thought I'd get to this age 🤷

Thank you, yes I agree, I started with the angle I thought was the issue but actually I don’t think it’s the main problem at all.

I’m not in the mindset of wanting to cut them off, but I think I need some sort of way of managing every time I see them them saying ‘we never see you’ etc

Oh, that's sad. Why do you feel it is over? You're still young! Everyone is living longer, and people seem younger now than they did in the past. Somebody said when you're in your 20's and 30s, you think people in their 50's are ancient. Maybe that is true for younger people, but I'm in my 30s and don't at all.

DH and I are in our early 60s. We still do absolutely everything we used to do when we were younger except going out clubbing. Our calendar from last month and for the month ahead had/has plenty of social events. I went out last Saturday and didn't get home til 12.30am and that didn't feel especially outrageous. Most of my friends of the same age are the same.

There's just so much to explore and learn though. Would nothing at all interest you?

My parents are in their mid 60s and are like the OP's. But I don't think it's out of conscious choice... More out of poor mental health in my parents' case

They'll make great babysitters and will always be available for support for you and the kids. Look on the bright side ;))

I'm 59 soon and I don't know anyone like this, thank god. I feel for you OP.

It may be normal for some people but it is excessively boring to be around for any visiting relatives. Some may choose just not to visit. Weekends are generally precious.

Explore for what purpose?

To learn things and broaden your mind? And because it's fun?

Do they still work. We are both nearly 60 dh works full time in a very demanding physical job and mine is a physical job too on my feet all day. At the weekend we like to relax and are happy staying at home we go out occasionally. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I know a couple in their thirties like this. Never go out, never go on holiday, just stay at home all the time.

@WindowtoyourSoul awe it is sad , but that's how my life has turned out 🤷no kids only child , I'm autistic , I don't have friends. I wish life was different but it is what it is it hasn't been a nice life and Im a bit done now. Thanks for replying

I have learnt lots over the years; I have degrees and professional qualifications.
I read a lot to pass the time.
But it is all fairly pointless, and no, there is nothing I would say I enjoy or that is fun. Nowhere I can think of that I would want to go, or anything that I would want to do.
I keep busy doing all the day to day 'mum' duties, but I don't travel, socialise, or do anything outside of work, so once the nest is empty, I don't imagine I'll start. In previous generations, people didn't live so long, and this would have been the endpoint of life.

Maybe he's never even considered the idea himself.

You were probably conditioned to walk on eggshells and your DF was complicit with the family dynamic. I see this in my DH's family and it's really awkward now they're very old.

Ironically, my loudly dysfunctional family is somewhat easier to navigate.

You can push back, it's not your job to make your mum happy.

The School of Life on YT is quite good on this sort of thing.