Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

I can't relate to your parents at all. I'm 60, my DH is 70. I work full time, gym 3 times a week, swimming, walking, friends. The two of us live travelling, cinema, eating out. It's not age, it's personality?

My dc is autistic, and honestly amazing to be around. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but please know that it is never too late. Some people who do have family hate each others guts anyway, so it can be overrated.
They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends, and that is true. I bet you could make some; my dm did just that. She lived alone, and joined a couple of classes and made friends, and it went from there. It isn't too late. 💐

Its not age related. My inlaws are just like this. Always have been. For them it's about confidence. They are very scared to try new things. They are only comfortable in their own little bubble. I've known them 12 years and I've never been anywhere with them but their house! We have 3 children and they don't take them out or do anything with them aside from us taking them to their house.

It's so sad. I know they have desires to go on holiday abroad but they are too scared to. Obviously they are not that vulnerable and open to say that but all the signs are there.

This is like my parents but they are late 70s and early 80s. Dh and I are mid 50s and just do the things we did in our 40s - work, go walking, the occasional weekend away, diy etc. We're a bit skint, which is limiting, but still have plenty of get up and go.

Some people are just naturally very passive in terms of what they enjoy or are just real “homebodies” - they prefer books and television and living via other peoples fictional lives in the comfort/safety of their own home, than the idea of having more exciting/interesting “real” lives.

Sometimes this can be due to ND or mental health reasons, in which case I suppose you can argue it seems sad as some of life and certainly new experiences are passing them by - but if they are happy with their lives as they are then that’s what matters 🤷‍♀️ Tbh I’m kind of one of those people, so I can somewhat understand their perspective…

However it’s really not on to keep pestering you to visit them - there has to be compromise. Personally I’d insist on alternating what you both like doing- you go there and stay in at theirs (and are bored stupid 🤣) and then the next time insist on meeting somewhere of your choice (restaurant, park etc ). If they refuse for a particular reason (it’s too expensive, too cold etc) then by all means suggest somewhere else or ask them to! - but don’t give in to always meeting at their home or having to stay in if they visit you at yours. At least once your child is toddler age, it will give you more of an excuse to insist you go out - as a bored toddler can cause mayhem!

You can't expect little kids to sit in a hot sitting room for 4 hours.

I don't care if they are lazy or not, they should get up and do stuff with their grandkids.

NRTFT, but you might appreciate a rest OP, after several years of disturbed sleep, rather than going out all the time?

We have DS and DDIL, when she’s not working, and the DGC round for a meal about every fortnight.

DS and DDIL seem to appreciate having someone else, getting them a meal and doing the washing up, while they sit there and have a rest! We also get all the toys out (we kept the best of DC’s toys like the Duplo, Brio, Lego and action figures) for DGC to play with.

First 6 weeks of a new baby, they looked like death warmed up. When DC were waking up all night, we used to tell DS and DDIL to go upstairs for a nap in the afternoon, if they wanted.

DS told me, he was exhausted by two DGC.

At least once your child is toddler age, it will give you more of an excuse to insist you go out - as a bored toddler can cause mayhem!

I don’t think DGC have ever been bored at our house! DGS had to be dragged away wailing last time they came:

”I want grandma’s house….”

It's just funny to me as most of the people I know don't live that exciting a life!
The odd day trip, maybe a UK holiday once in a blue moon. My 'people' tend to like walks, puzzles, reading, abit of gardening, etc.

Apparently everybody else on MN is living life like a Tampax commercial!😂

Bloody good post @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

I was thinking the same! We have friends who are never in; they’re early 60s and always out doing something. That’s great for them but it’s not how we want to live. We are more relaxed - love gardening, hiking, walking, reading… but to some, that would be ‘sad’. We are all different and I think the best thing we can all do is live and let live instead of saying people who are different from us are boring, dull, sad… etc

If you actually read the post they don't do any of things you do though- they dont garden, hike, walk, or read. They refuse to even go for a short walk.

They watch TV 24/7 and are on their iPads when people come round. Wouldnt you think that was "dull" to do all the time and especially quite rude when people come round to visit you??

I agree

it is normal for them.
Maybe they’ve always been quiet and reserved.
Not everyone enjoys non stop fun/noise/activity.

See them less if you find them boring and just pop in now and again with your baby.

What on earth do you mean that the state take it. Why should the state pay for your care when you have the means to do so yourself.

I am old and expect to have to pay my way.

I come from a family of very social parents and my Ds is the same. I used to be like this in my 20's/30's/40's. As I've become older, I no longer have the desire or need to be a social butterfly I realise that a lot of the time I was just masking anyway. I've always preferred my (bedroom as a ten) or home (as an adult) to anywhere else. I dislike sports, or any 'organised fun' type event. I have always loved animals and that's where my happy place is-none of my family are like me, but nobody finds it an issue. I wouldn't dream of complaining to my DC that I didn't see them enough, if they had DGC and I made no effort to fit in with them.

Yes I did read the post thanks and I agree; I was replying to another poster.

OP - do they not do a meal for you when you visit? Visits to my in laws we generally stayed in their house (which is a bigger house than ours with lovely garden) when the kids were small, they'd play upstairs as Grandma had a cupboard with toys. Or in the garden.
We'd chat which was ok as it was only once a month or so.

But the real highlight was grandma's wonderful roast beef dinner.

She did this before we had kids and still now they are grown up and she is now in her 80s. I am an active person late 50s, but i have never really minded visiting relatives in their homes and chatting. Especially where good food is involved!

Do your rels not put a good meal on the table?!

I would tell anyone, even my parents, to put the ipads or phones away and turn thr telly off.

Only if my brother is there, he cooks for us all. If we go for lunch, they’ve previously got meal deal sandwiches in or sometimes we get a takeaway.

Thanks to those of you who’re actually reading my posts, it feels like some things are being misunderstood or misconstrued by some posters - they’re not ‘just’ homebodies - ironically, I’d describe myself as quite a homebody (even though I like holidays and trips etc), because I like baking, gardening, home projects etc. But they don’t do any of that and there’s an oppressive atmosphere around constantly. Maybe we’re still walking on the eggshells still - I know I feel very very wary of upsetting my mum (completely inadvertently), even in my mid 30s.

My very first post says how my mum is a difficult character, I think I’m just realising how deep that goes. Will look into the Philipa Perry book, thank you to the poster who recommended it

Thanks to those of you who’re actually reading my posts, it feels like some things are being misunderstood or misconstrued by some posters - they’re not ‘just’ homebodies

Yeah, I think lots of people are interpreting being a homebody as some kind of personal attack. Nothing wrong with being a homebody at all, but sitting in the house in a chair all day watching TV constantly 24/7 is not healthy for anyone- young or old. There is literally research that shows this and it is dull. Its certainly not what I would expect from people in their 50s, I could understand it if they were 85 and had mobility issues.

You can be a homebody and still lead an interesting and stimulating life- lots of activities you can do at home, but thats not what they are doing.

I hope this thread has been helpful for you OP to unpack your family dynamics and the more you have said about them explains why you find their presence so oppressive.

I'm 56, DH is 60. This morning, I've been out with the dog, we've both been for a run, we're getting ready to go out for lunch. We may well spend the evening catching up with MAFS in our pjs. Tomorrow, another run, we'll go for coffee and then the supermarket, and in the afternoon he's going to watch Villa and I have work and study to do. We both work full time.

We're going to Thailand for Christmas, we've already been to India and the Maldives this year, as well as several staycations.

Yes it’s very rude if they do this when you’re there.

I'm 59 and retraining for a second career which involves travelling to a city an hour and a half away twice a week. I like reading and watching tv in the evening. If friends come over I cook for them and make decent conversation.

I do have parents like the OPs and always vowed I'd never be like that. They are in their 80s now and housebound and refusing any kind of help. They just sit in their house while it falls apart around them.

In this sort of scenario it seems one big thing was having you. But that doesn’t a full life make and you shouldn’t let them lean on you too heavily. It is quite selfish to become a burden on your offspring unnecessarily, and sometimes I think some people think having kids assuages them of all responsibility to live well as independent adults (whilst and if they can).