Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

My DH’s parents are like this. Not bothered for going further than the end of their road. Spend all day with some interminable sports playing on tv in the background. They have never ever taken their grandchild to see a London show, museum, insert other activity. Essentially they are culturally bankrupt and not interested in other perspectives. I’ve given up and refuse to travel hours up to the North, only to sit in their living room watching Sky tv. What a waste of a life…

I think it's unfair to say it's 'not normal', they sound like homebodies to me and there's nothing wrong with that? Everyone is different!

Any MH issues? From what you have described, it sounds like this lady may have needed a reasonable adjustment to be made.

Could your parents have MH issues also op? It sounds a bit like depression? Or maybe they are just introverted, and like being indoors. If they're happy that is all that counts. At least they're a live and will get to have some sort of relationship with their grandchildren. I'm sorry to be blunt but it's better than the alternative, which I am currently facing.

They are probably similarly relieved not to have their snobby DIL there judging them. 🤔

This. As long as they are happy then I don't see an issue. If you don't like visiting their home then just visit less regularly or for shorter time periods. I can always remember being dragged to visit boring relatives as a child, just something that was accepted.

God this sounds oppressive OP
I don’t blame you for wanting to steer away from this for your own and your family’s sanity.
As pointed out, it sounds like your Dad may be in an abusive relationship 🥺
Your Mum is a mood hoover. The toxic negativity must be awful.
Definitely time to set your stall out, draw your boundaries and tell your Mum how it’s going to be… your Dad, I feel may come with you 🥺

I don't recognise this model of top grandparents who take your kids out all the time to shows in London and museums.

Both my parents and PIL have been excellent grandparents just by being around for us and our DDs one way and another. We don't do a social whirl of things with PIL as we only live round the corner, it's just normal family stuff rather than a steady stream of trips and outings. My DM lives with us, and it's just nice that she is there really. DDs are now of an age they can be in on their own, but it's nice that they are rarely alone, and my DM loves being with us and part of things.

I can so relate OP! My mother was like that, she never had any friends or any hobbies, and never a hands on mother. My darling dad was my saviour, he would take my three brothers and I hiking, sailing, swimming etc despite him working full time and my mum being a SAHM. As adults when we went to visit (with or without kids), the boat would be pushed out if we went out for lunch or visited the markets, otherwise we would sit at home reading flipping teletex or the magazines. Often, dad, DD and I would go off somewhere.

My dad was suffocated by her, although he had his own hobbies, he would have lived a more social life and adventured more if it wasnt for her.

That is awful, my dm was a little like this, and she suffered from depression, and was very unhappy for years in the marriage. As a child I just saw her as no fun, a killjoy, boring, lazy bad tempered, stressy etc. She was the one on Christmas in the kitchen on her own in a bad mood, while my df was playing with us, mil coming over. I now sort of understand. As an adult having had my own children, I realise just how unhappy she must have been. She was also a product of her own past.
What you see in a parent isn't the same as what you see in that same person in a different dynamic. All relationships are different, but it sounds like you dm was extremely unhappy for whatever reason, and poor mental health which is extremely sad.

Almost certainly the feeling is mutual. My parents were very into hosting, large dinner table, expensive wines, piles of beautifully cooked food, interesting conversation, a plan of action to show guests around. it’s just a very odd way to host in my opinion, but obviously views differ on such subjects.

I'm sorry I'm just imaging an episode of cribs, and a "this is where the action happens." 😂🤢

You must be sobbing with boredom.

You've got a parent problem not an old parent problem.

That level of inactivity isn’t standard in middle age. If they won’t change (they won’t) don’t give them weekends or high-value time.

Stick to evenings and go to them so you can leave. They don’t get to make all the decisions. Surely they’re too tired for that? Hang on, bet they’re insisting. Bad luck, you’re out that weekend.

If CRIBS films on Barratt’s home estates in the North, what an episode that would be. Cuts to everyone gooning at Sky Sports. Gogglebox would snap them up I suspect.

Think we’ve uncovered cultural differences. I don’t expect others to think as I think, that would be small minded. What kind of trips and outings do you go on?

Why are people saying it's not normal or mental issues just because somebody enjoys being at home?
It's not like climbing mountains and holidays abroad means a fulfilled life if you hate that sort of thing! You would be equally as miserable as the outgoing person stuck in a boring home with boring relatives.

Surely the best option is just to limit visits to a couple of hours and plan activities that they are invited to....that way if they decline then its down to them.

I'm 62, DH 71. I drive to Italy every year and we go on at least 2-3 holidays per year. We go to concerts, gigs and exhibitions. We go to the gym and do classes, as well as working on our allotment several times per week. I retired early from self-employment as there was so much I'd rather be doing and DH only retired from a prestigious academic career when he was 70. This is just the start of the next chapter in our lives. We are very fit and healthy, and as my parents died at 88 and 92 I intend to be active for at least another 25 years. Our DS is only 24, so we want to be around for a while yet!

Absolutely this, I cant believe what Im reading on here

Saying to tell them they're boring and we want to go out when we visit etc etc

Surely when you visit someone you do things or sit in their home according to what they tend to do, perhaps different if you are hosting but equally I wouldnt get all high handed and issue demands and expectations of what they must do or you wont visit!

Go and visit, accept that its an afternoon sitting in the living room and value them for while they are still with you. If that is really the biggest fault they have, that they are - gasp - boring, well lucky you.

I quite like being at home when I am not at work nowadays.

I'm late 50s and am tired most of the time.

If I saw my dd though we would do something like visit a National trust place.

I think having iPads and having the internet has changed things. Plus everywhere is so busy and too much traffic

Oh Google box is always on the hunt. I was meaning the part about showing the guests around, but yes the others would be snapped up in an instant!

Suggestion OP: why don’t you drop the kids off at GP’s and plan yourself a lovely childfree day out? Kids love their grandparents, regardless of how dull they appear to you and I.

I do go on holiday and have hobbies and occasionally go to theatre btw

Once your baby is born then arrange visits with them to be meeting at the park with them, going to the zoo with them, doing some other baby or child related activity with them.

Don't invite them very often to just be in your house with the baby, invite them to be outdoors with the baby.

If they say no then it's on them, you're going to the zoo that day and if they don't come so be it. You'll spend less time with them overall but won't compromise your baby's activities.

Think you misunderstood me. My parents would show people around London (not our family home). LOL. My comment was re: my in-laws. Not sure Gogglebox films in many London homes, but I don’t watch it in any event…

That isn’t age. 50s is far too young to slow down that much because of health or tiredness. It’s just how they are.

If they like quiet, could you suggest a local National Trust property for short walk around the gardens and a relatively quiet lunch. They’ll start putting their Christmas decorations up soon too.

@80smonster Haha, yes I thought you were meaning a tour around their stately manor!

I had to look it up and there appears to be a few. For any Google box fans, see below.

https://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/news/19126876.meet-london-families-channel-4s-gogglebox/