Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

This isn’t age related, it’s personality related .

Both my parents are dead. Make the most of them. They seem like decent folk

Finance? Wed love to do more with our family but we don't have the money to pay for everyone for everything. My in-laws used to insist on paying for meals out etc and now my children expect us to pay even though we don't have anything like their income.

Not normal at all.

My parents are the same age, my dad has his hobby’s, has weekends away due to these hobby’s 5/6 times a year. (Mum used to go, but she had little interest so the dogs are an excuse to stay home) Has curry club with his mates.

Mum has no hobby’s as such, but has dinners out with friends, goes away on girly holidays, weekend trips with her best friend.

They do holiday together - finances allowing. They have had other priorities for a while but are going away next year.
They both go to comedy gigs, music gigs with friends (mostly a different taste in music 😂).

Both are making plans for their DGD and want to come with us to take her out for the day etc.

By contrast, DH’s dad retired and turned into an absolute nightmare. He’s not that interested in his DGD either, even though he tells everyone he is. He’s 11+ years older than my dad - however my dads sister is the same age and on her own, and they are light years apart.

Not everyone wants to go rushing around cruising, cycling, hiking, learning and whatever else society expects us older people to do in our golden years in this modern day and age

Golden years??? they're in their 50s, not 85.....

Noone is suggesting hiking, cycling or bungee jumping fgs. Simply a walk in the park or a day out now and then. Thats hardly expecting a lot is it?

They do sound very set in their ways but that’s maybe just their nature and it’ll be difficult to change. They might give themselves a shake when they have a grandchild . I hope so.

I’m 70 and would hate to live my life like that. I just arrived home today after 150 mile drive and a lovely week spent with my 2 youngest grandchildren. Lots of outings for beach walks, parks, museums etc. My knees aren’t quite as good at crawling in the soft play as they used to be but apart from that I’m up for most things.

Not everyone wants to go rushing around cruising, cycling, hiking, learning and whatever else society expects us older people to do in our golden years in this modern day and age

At 49 I don't want to say "I will never...again" really but I'm not keen on ski-ing, I think I've given it a good go and don't wish to again, I don't want to do anything but the easiest routes in mountains and am pretty sure I would absolutely not enjoy a bungee jump or parachute jump. I've done tandem paragliding from 6,500 feet and that was great, if utterly terrifying, but I can't see me taking it up as a hobby. I've been on rollercoasters but I'm not too fussed either way. I don't like theme parks unless they are very small and cute ones that appeal to younger children.

Most cruises sound pretty hellish to me, hiking - more of a walk and not carrying a big backpack, please. Cycling - I go on the exercise bike in the gym but TBH bikes hurt my arse and back.

I think as you get older you get more confident to express your likes and dislikes and don't follow the crowd. I've tried different things but I like the same things now as I did in my 20s. Going on holiday, reading, keeping fit, eating, drinking and dancing. Hope I'll still be doing those things in 20, 30, and maybe 40 years' time.

My parents are exactly like this too. We've done one visit to them for Christmas and vowed never again. In laws not much better but do have some get up and go.

When visiting with the kids we simple arrange activities during the day [some of my siblings live close by] and they are welcome to join in or opt out as they prefer especially if weather is iffy. They'll often drive themselves and join us for the lunch or afternoon tea bit but standing around in playgrounds and walking around NT type places is not their bag.

They seem perfectly happy for us to come and go. It meets their needs to "see us" but the level of engagement is almost zero. They ask nothing about our lives and the kids [or very rarely do] to the extent that it blows my husbands mind and joining them to watch TV in the evening seems to be all they want [again, mindnumbingly boring]; so over the years the visits have seriously dwindled as they are a flight away.

One parent has now passed away and the remaining parent is seriously lonely never having built any sort of social network or activities outside of the house. My poor siblings bear the brunt of this.

I can't believe some people are comparing this situation to 'homebodies'. LOL.

I am a homebody, but I still manage to LIVE to life, not merely exist miserably.

Who said they were miserable,? You're projecting your own views on them

I guess I am like your parents too, although only early forties.
I have a teenage daughter at the moment, who I spend a lot of time ferrying to sports activities, but once she leaves home and goes to uni, I can't imagine having much need to leave the house any more. I WFH and have no interests/hobbies/friends, or any desire to acquire any.
There isn't much point to life after children have left home.

My ILs are like this have underlying health conditions, overweight and say well “there’s no point living beyond 70 as it’s all down hill from there”

We have learned to accept this is their attitude we can’t change it

my in laws are like this and my parents like your in laws

my in laws are looking at bungalows despite having no mobility issues, decided they’re never going abroad again, when we meet them we just sit talking about mundane stuff in their lounge for an hour or two… it’s dull

whereas my parents we holiday with, I go out for lunch/brunch with, go walking with, I take my mum to baby classes with me

I don’t know why they’re different but I think they definitely have different attitudes. My parents are fit and healthy and active and all about prolonging their life and quality of life in retirement whereas my in laws just seem to think they’re on the way out and are preparing for being old - I think this attitude as well makes them quite energy sapping to be around as well

my parents are all about spending money in their retirement and enjoying it as they’ve saved for year and then my in laws are talking about transferring their houses over to their children to avoid care home fees - which they seem to think is inevitable despite being perfectly healthy atm!

I'm late 50s, and it's definitely not normal for me, my husband and friends. But presumably your parents have always been like this - it hasn't just happened. I think you have to stick to what you want - they can choose to be cautious, limited etc but you definitely have to pander to them.

Do they not work? Many people working full-time - I am mid fifties and work full-time and I certainly don't feel old!

How much longer are elderley or not so elderly people going to try and avoid paying for care in their old age. Do they really think other people should pay when they have assets they can use.

I'm sorry you feel like this @Howmanymoredays

Have you always worked from home? What would it take for you to feel that your life had more meaning?

The OP did:

Their sitting around and complaining about everything/everyone is what’s draining

I do have to go into the office a couple of times a year, but that is worse, because I don't like being around other people.
I can't think of anything that would give life more 'meaning' - I have put all my energy into raising my daughter since she was born, as people told me when I was younger that having a family gives you purpose, which it has done. But that job is nearly complete, and I was just expressing that I could well imagine why older people might have no desire to do anything other than sit in the house, as that's probably how I'll feel too when I'm that age

My older family members are active enough, but family gets togethers do just involve a long time sitting. Without screens! I kind of like it.

Having DC will change all sorts of things, see how it goes. I don't think you need to sort it now.

I think there are two seperate issues here. One is that the parents seem to lead quite insular lives, and in some ways that's a shame, although it's obviously their choice and some people prefer that.

A seperate issue is what if any activities you do when you visit them. I'd say it's pretty common for grandparents to enjoy hosting the family at their house. My parents have active lives, but if we go over we wouldn't accompany them to their hobby. They would just have us over for lunch.

Nor would I ask them to come to a baby group or the park with dc (maybe on a rare occasion). I love being a parent but those things are really really boring. They've done their time at the parks and petting zoos.

Going to a cafe or restaurant with dc also isn't fun or really possible once they are out of newborn stage. Meeting at home is easier.

When you get to the stage when you’ve worked all your lives and saved to leave something for your kids and then the state take it, you may feel differently.

Can you suggest shorter walks? I suspect the issue is you are suggesting a long hike of several miles, maybe your parents would be more comfortable with a leisurely 45 min stroll at a local NT property or similar, with a cuppa in the cafe?
If you are sporty and active yourselves it may be that you've overwhelmed them by walking too briskly, expecting to do 5 miles.

Exactly. More and more people are playing walking sports now too as part of active ageing.
Walking Football, Netball,Cricket, it's all out there and helping people keep fit in their later years.
It's great and social.🏃

would be a fair comment if OP was expecting them to "travel internationally, play badminton and crown green bowls and golf, climb mountains,' and socialise in big groups, and go to hobby groups, and be a raging social butterfly"

but instead her outrageous expectations seem to be along the lines of occasionally going for a walk to the local park/beach or to the pub for a meal. She's not expecting them to be social butterflies, she's just expecting them to be willing to leave the house occasionally, which is far from unreasonable.

I'm sure she'd even be fine if they didn't leave the house but did something fun when they were there - engaging conversation, playing games, a hobby or interest to talk about or whatever. But they nag her to visit then sit staring at their ipads.