Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

This is so familiar, yes! We had a Christmas like this when DH and I were first together and DH vowed never again. Really it was meeting DH in my 20s that made me realise other families did things and had fun and didn’t just sit in a room all day looking at each other/the same four walls.

Some people just don't like going out.

What do you do with your weekends when you're not sat in their living room? When they come and visit you, what do they say when you invite them along to the kinds of things you like doing?

It sounds like this is just how they are and it hasn't previously been an issue for you. I wonder why it suddenly is now.

It’s a shame that they have chosen such restricted lives, especially if they’re reasonably healthy and could have a bit of fun in their lives. But they have chosen this. All you can do is save yourself, your partner and children from being dragged down by them.

Some people are a lot more active than others. Do they still work?

Really it was meeting DH in my 20s that made me realise other families did things and had fun and didn’t just sit in a room all day looking at each other/the same four walls

Haha! yes. If they want to sit in the lounge all day looking at the walls thats fine but you can make it clear that you want to do something different. You have the right to spend your time how you want, just as they have the right to sit on the sofa all day but they cant expect you to just do what they want all the time.

I'd be very breezy about it- well, we're going out this weekend to X, you are very welcome to join us and if they say no then thats fine but they cant then moan that you haven't made the effort to see them or spend time with them.

My Sunday's were like that too, but my g'dad used to talk to us about politics and history and we were fascinated, my g'ma taught us how to play cards. My dad was a homebody too, but there was something lovely about snuggling up next to him watching a war-y film. Being a homebody isn't a terrible thing but you need to do something or talk about something.

Luckily we always had dogs and lived by the sea, so we had to go out at least twice a day.

I don’t think it’s age-related either - it’s a state of mind.

I am that age as are my friends (DH slightly younger) We all do loads of stuff, exercise, sport, travel, etc. My DM did loads of stuff in her 60s and 70s and my auntie and uncle have been very active up to mid 80s.
Even DHs parents - now about 80 (who were never massively active but did do some stuff and loved to be with our DC when they were young) have become very home-oriented particularly since the lockdowns, though they do still go out and do some things.

DH and I go running/for long dog walks/weekends away together/have friends round for dinner/go out with friends or ILs, so nothing extravagant. If I invite my parents, they say it’s too far to walk/too far to travel, but also complain that they don’t see us.

I agree that they’ve always been like this, but the reason I’m finding it an issue now is because I’m getting frustrated with their complaints that they don’t see us or that we spend more time with my ILs. So it’s not suddenly an issue, but it’s something that’s become an issue over time as I suppose I’m losing my patience a bit with their complaints but also refusal to do anything.

Added to that that they’re argumentative, hold some unsavoury opinions (e.g. the long covid one, lots of anti-immigration things, things about people on benefits or sick leave etc), and it’s building up into an atmosphere that I’m slightly dreading my DC being part of (and spending what little spare time I’ll have in).

61 here, planned and went to North America solo this year, first time! Ran a half marathon last year. Work 50+ hrs a week. Going back to USA next year hopefully.

Nothing to do with age!!

My Sunday's were like that too, but my g'dad used to talk to us about politics and history and we were fascinated, my g'ma taught us how to play cards

I think something like this would have helped. But my grandad was very quiet and would read the paper all day long (with the tv on in the background- usually war films) and not talk to us and my nan spent the entire afternoon gossiping to my mum about what the neighbours and relatives were up to which didnt interest me at all so hence it was very, very boring.

Do they only come as a pair? Might one of them be persuaded into a short walk to the park?

My parents were very similar to yours OP. I agree with others posters that it's a definitely a personality thing rather than an age thing!

Not sure if this would work for you as my parents were already retired when I was pregnant, but when I went back at work we agreed they'd collect DC from nursery at lunchtime for one afternoon a week and babysit for the afternoon at their house. That way they got baby-time during the week and I'd pop in and chat for an hour when I picked DC up, with the 'excuse' of needing to get home for bath and bed. It kept everyone happy and meant we could mostly keep weekends as family time.

Oof, that reminds me of visits to grandparents, aunts and uncles when I was a kid. Exactly like that except no TV 😁 They just sat there for hours talking about other relatives or TV shows. Then again, on the very very rare occasions we went out somewhere, they all moaned so much and made everything seem so difficult, it wasn’t much better!

They do come as a pair yes. My dad is better on his own and can be persuaded to go for a walk on the very rare occasion we get him on his own, but my mum never wants to miss out on seeing us (which I do get), even though she’ll drag her heels and restrict what we do, if I’m honest.

She doesn’t like driving any more so very much relies on my dad driving her to places (although she complained and pretty much ridiculed her own mum for doing the same). Writing it down, it really sounds more like they’re in their 70s-80s than their late 50s

Its amazing we all grew up so normal isn't it @FictionalCharacter @fairydolphin

Did you also have the Sunday tea salad with boiled egg and salad cream?

My mother was like this, my dad, luckily was independent and got out and about - he used to go out for the day with his sandwiches and get a bus or a train "somewhere" and go for a walk.

this is who they are, you can't change them, you'll be banging your head against a brick wall trying to. Invite THEM to things once your DC is here, birthday parties etc. Their choice if they don't come. Detach.

It's ok to be your own family and to do what you want to do.

I think you've got to make clear from the outside that you aren't going to sit in their house when you visit. My Mum is a bit like your parents, when I had my kids I would tell her we were going to a playground/walk and she was welcome to join us. She always said no, so we would do the walk, drop in for a cup of tea at Mums then home. Visits were short and sweet. We invited her on holiday with us, she said no (which we knew she would) but we always left the door open for us to join us and the kids. That way, she could never say we were excluding her. My MIL was very hands on, booking large cottages for the whole family, trips to the beach, zoo etc. Needless to say my kids have a better relationship with her than my Mum.

😂😂😂 Yes!!!! and cake (that was the best part of the entire flipping day)

Remember Battenberg cake and Mr Kipling fondant fancies?

But their complaints are "their issue" not yours.

Start to express what you want to do as your needs

So. " It would be good to see you but after a full week at work sitting at a desk we need to get out and about at the weekend. We don't want to sit around watching TV as it is too inactive for us. So we will be going to X for a walk. You are very welcome to come or, if you don't fancy the walk you could meet us in the cafe at y time for a cup of tea"

When they still go on about too far/too much walking and want you to go over. "No, I'm sorry but as I explained that just doesn't work for us. Why don't you come to the cafe for y o'clock."

When they still refuse to join you - " sorry, it doesn't look as though we're going to match up with what we need to do then."

I'm 45 and cannot wait to live in a similar way, when by myself.
😊

😁Fortunately no salad cream, we all hated it! But it was always the same food, it was an extremely restricted menu.
All of it is a lifestyle that I completely rejected as an adult. I know quite a few other people who have done the same - seen that this is not how every family lives, and forged a more interesting and active life for themselves.

They sound boring OP.
If you've no interests/hobbies then you've nothing to talk about either.
They ought to be out exercising for their health anyway.
Sounds very boring.

All of it is a lifestyle that I completely rejected as an adult. I know quite a few other people who have done the same - seen that this is not how every family lives, and forged a more interesting and active life for themselves

So true- I have made a point now of doing the opposite and its lovely

I’m getting frustrated with their complaints that they don’t see us or that we spend more time with my ILs. So it’s not suddenly an issue, but it’s something that’s become an issue over time as I suppose I’m losing my patience a bit with their complaints but also refusal to do anything.

I completely understand. I had a parent who moaned incessantly that I didn’t visit or call often enough, but when I did visit or call, it was an utterly miserable experience.
They probably aren’t capable of changing their way of living, but what they will have to accept is that it’s wrong of them to expect you to fit into it.