Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

Sounds like you've had some good advice re boundaries/lower contact. I'd definitely recommend some therapy or inner child work. Sometimes, we can subconsciously play out some of our childhood dynamics, especially once we have had children, as it can bring it all to the surface. Plus, add in exhaustion and stress.

What I see with my Inlaws mostly my MIL is the need to control environments and people. My husband would often tell me how hard he found it growing up walking on eggshells around her mood. How he needed to be a version of himself that she found acceptable and do what she wanted all the time. She gave him no personal space as he grew up and crossed boundaries. She could only see her perspective, no one else's.

Despite hating how he grew up he also didn't know another way of being or relating.So the same dynamics would play out in our marriage and with our children too it was his default (thankfully children very young at the time) he then got therapy and actively changed and learnt new ways and is continuing to.

It's just something to be aware of and something we all carry with us to varying degrees.

Of course you aren’t being unfair. That sounds so tedious to me and I can’t believe they nag you to see them and then spend the entire time on their phones. How bloody rude.

It’s not normal at all. No one gets to the end of their life and says “I wish I’d spent even more hours watching the telly”. Sadly they will regret it and leading such a sedentary unstimulating life will likely make them deteriorate much quicker as they age. Very sad all round.

Thanks so much @MightyGoldBear and I’m sorry you and your DH have been through this too - you could be describing my upbringing in your DH’s - violation of boundaries, lack of privacy, lack of empathy. It’s exhausting to come to terms with the scale of it, i think. Hope things are better for your DH now (and your whole family as a result)

@bemusedbertha your OP asked if their behaviour was normal for their age. I think that’s why people are responding with comparisons. If you had a difficult childhood, becoming an adult won’t magically change that. I think someone else recommended the Stately Homes threads, they might be useful to you. There’s a lot to unpack that doesn’t involve age or what they do or don’t do - it’s all about relationships. Good luck.

Op I would be really wary of making decisions about how much time your dc will spend with your parents when you have identified that they are in an abusive and potentially codependent relationship. It’s utterly naive to think you can just leave dc with people like this and get a break and I think a lot of posters haven’t read your posts at all and have visions of a kindly grandma with twinkly eyes always in the house with a cup of tea and a friendly ear. I know exactly the dynamic you are talking about and I’ve left my dc in desperation in it one time and I massively regretted it. You can’t win with your parents so you need to draw your own boundary and decide how much time is enough time tor you to feel you are able to facilitate the grandparent relationship that is realistic in your circumstances.

Don’t let anyone on here guilt you into going every weekend to be moaned at because they will die someday. We will all die someday and wouldn’t you want people to miss you and not just be relieved they don’t feel obligated to waste their lives on duty visits and guilt trips.

I bet they are too. 😁

And we see this frequently on MN - elderly relatives living in a house that’s falling apart around them, refusing to get repairs done or move into a more manageable house. I’m the same as you, I’m determined not to become that and cause a lot of work and stress for my kids.

All of this with bells on.
As always with threads about difficult parents, some people just can’t imagine being in a family like this and what it feels like. If their own family was normal and their own mum is a kind grandma, an abnormal family is impossible to imagine, so they don’t believe it’s as bad as it is.

So we have PPs suggesting that OP’s parents will entertain her kids or provide childcare, cook meals for them etc, which is way off the mark. OP has clearly said that they do absolutely nothing when she visits and don’t offer a meal. They won’t magically turn into caring grandparents when she has children.

Is it worth trying to engage your dad on his own and suggesting some hobbies he do or is he under the thumb with your mum ?

As PP stated , some are happy not doing much , but god what an existence (potentially for another 30 years or so )
My parents are in their seventies and travel by inter rail / backpack , walk , go to the gym , comedy clubs , tribute nights , festivals etc

@Howmanymoredays I mean, in essence, everything we do in our lives is fairly pointless, including having children. 😁

I guess it comes down to what makes each individual feel genuinely alive, and not letting fear/narrow comfort zones dictate their lives.

I'm in my 20s and live similar to your parents.

I constantly receive negative comments, people seem to think you should live your life the way they do and enjoy what society deems as normal, it's quite frustrating.

Leave them be.

This too!

This thread is making me itch! All the "leave them be's" and "there's nothing wrong with being a homebody" and that hysterical rant by @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway ... all completely missing the point. It's quite obvious that the OP would be happy to leave her parents be but THEY are the ones nagging HER to spend MORE time with them and then spending entire days ignoring her hooked to their i-pads. Of course OP doesn't want to spend her free time watching other people do literally nothing.

I’m 58 and still go out to raves and festivals where a lot of the other people are older than me! I’ve just come back from a week in Crete with my 61 year old friend and we stayed out dancing and drinking cocktails until the early hours.

Life is for living - your parents could easily have another 25/30 years of life. Us just sitting at home existing what they really want?

Yep- have they even read the OP's posts at all?

Its the PARENTS who are nagging and pestering her to come and sit in their house to do fuck all whilst they sit there engrossed in their iPads ignoring her and not even bothering to offer food.

Whoosh, there goes the point over their heads 🙄

We're all different. I'm 52 and can't think of anything worse than going to a rave or a festival. I like doing jigsaws, felting and reading. I'm still living, thank you very much!

No it's not normal but you won't change them now. It's fine if they become the baking/gardening/film sleepover grandparents but if they sit there and don't want to do anything then I think you can just be honest about not spending much time with them.
You have offered other outings but they won't do it so just say "sorry we are going on a walk on Sunday and then to get cake and tea" you are welcome to come etc.
When you have the little one and they get older you can't go and sit in a lounge all day, you will have to say no thank you or we are doing XYZ the offer is open to come but we can't sit at home all day.
Just be blunt.
They may suprise you and become more lively when the GC arrives.

Well yes, that was very much my feeling as a young adult. But I was told that once I had a family I would feel differently. I guess I didn't really succeed in creating a traditional family, so perhaps I didn't do it correctly, but I did have a daughter, so I have put all of my resources/energy into making sure she has the opportunities to create whatever future she likes for herself. Maybe she will find life less difficult than me. She seems to enjoy doing things and has friends etc.... so maybe that will be enough.
I can see that other people find ways to create lives they are happy with, so I guess for them it doesn't feel pointless.
Personally, I see no point to any of it. Just one long chore. Ticking off the days one by one until there are no more days to tick off. If someone wants to just sit in their chair watching TV all day, what actual difference does it make? None; we're all going to end up dead eventually - everything else is just filling time.
In a hundred years from now, absolutely no one will care which of us went for a walk/went on holiday/went out for dinner/stayed in bed all day. None of it matters, not even a tiny bit.

yes, nothing says "I am completely content and satisfied with my life choices" than jumping onto a thread about something entirely different, completely ignoring what was actually written in order to misinterpret it as an attack against you and then writing a multi paragraph rant defending your lifestyle...

But yes they've missed the two key points,
1 - OP doesn't care what they do in their own time, she is just unhappy about the expectation that her family should spend time and effort doing nothing with them
2 - Her parents aren't happy with their life, in fact they seem completely miserable, both in themselves, to be around, and even with each other!

Yes, that’s the issue. They assume you’re happy to sit for hours doing nothing. That is just awful for children - and the visits need to be kept short. Can you combine an hour’s visit to theirs with an activity before or after in their area? We’ve done that. I made it clear to DH a while ago that expecting DSs to sit inside from 12 to 8 so that we have two meals while BIL’s family who live locally call in for one meal and 3 hours is not on. We try to plan something so it’s not an all day thing. If they come to ours DS still goes to the gym or to a party.

Can you make it clear to them that you can’t cope with sitting in the house for hours on end?

Well said.