Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

I'm 55. I go out and do a lot of things.

However...if someone is visiting me or I am visiting them, I don't really want to then also go out. Different if we arrange to meet up and do something but otherwise I like to just have the visit at home and chat in peace and quiet.

It has caused some issues with my sister. She lives at the other end of the country and we don't see each other often but when we do, we have to stay over due to the distance. On visits she wants to be out and about and I don't so we've had to compromise. In my mind I just am seeing her and that's enough. She thinks it's more fun to do something together. Neither of us is right or wrong.

This. ^ I don't understand why people receive so much shade on here (and IRL) for just wanting to tootle around in the garden, watch TV, generally do indoor hobbies, just go on the odd day trip here and there, and not mix with people much. Not everyone has to 'travel internationally' all the time, and go out playing badminton and crown green bowls and golf, and 'climb mountains,' and socialise in big groups, and go to hobby groups, and be a raging social butterfly to have a nice life.

Some people just like - and want the quiet life. Some people just enjoy their own company (or that of themselves and their partner) most of the time, and to just see family/friends occasionally. And maybe go out for the occasional pub lunch or walk when they feel like it.

Most people have worked for 40+ years by nearly 60, and have very likely raised children as well, and have probably already travelled, and had active social lives for some years when they were younger. No-one wants to have their head pecked by people who think they should 'socialise more' and 'get out more.'

YABVU @bemusedbertha leave your parents alone FGS. There's nothing worse than someone mithering you, and pecking your head, and borderline bullying you into being something you are not - and don't want to be! Live and let live. Not everyone is an outgoing and extrovert 'social butterfly' who wants to join big social meet up groups, engage in multiple hobbies and interests, climb mountains, run marathons, and travel abroad 2-3 times a year! If you are a person who does all this (past 55/60,) it doesn't make you any better - or more superior than those who don't!

I disagree. There have always been people like this. My parents born in the 1930s would have been the same. For them it was relatively low surplus money to pay for 'outings' and then less stuff going on due to locality. I think the OP is noticing it particularly because her in laws are the opposite. I say let your parents know that you won't be taking your child to see them more often than the other grand parents and that you would like to do things away from the home. I admit my parents did come out of their shell again when they had a grandchild to take to a bird sanctuary or other event. I really don't think this has anything to do with Covid. Some people just don't want to go out and others do.

My parents are/were home bodies, both worked, didn't travel much or have a busy social life or lots of hobbies. We did do day trips with them sometimes though and they liked eating out, also they lived in a nice holiday place when they retired so it was lovely to visit them when DDs were small- we could do things together and separately.

My inlaws have a very busy and active social life, loads of hobbies. There is a class difference though too, my parents are very much working class/lower middle class and DH's parents are middle/upper middle (quite posh really). And a vast difference in wealth also.

I don't think either is better than the other, it's just different. And you can't make your own parents into something they are not. You just have to try and do things together that you will all enjoy and appreciate them as they are.

If you are a person who does all this (past 55/60,) it doesn't make you any better - or more superior than those who don't!

It's not about being superior- we are all different, nothing wrong with that. It's about the fact that they expect everyone else to go along with what they want to do all the time. They can sit indoors 24/7 if they want but its unreasonable to expect that everyone else will relish doing it or expect others to do the same and then guilt trip them by saying "we never see you".

That is what is unreasonable.

Also agree it's nothing to do with age. My parents are in their 70s and we will will be seeing them at half-term for 3 days. Already planned battlefield visit, rare breeds centre and bowling. They drive 200 miles to us a couple of times a year.

Gosh. Thanks for this.

I’m certainly not the one mithering or pecking their head or bullying - they’re the ones mithering me about not seeing them often enough, it’s all I hear from them. I’m certainly no extrovert either, and I very much like a quiet life and tootling round - I just think there’s a quiet tootling life that can also include fun things rather than sitting in one room all day and never getting any fresh air.

Quite. My DF always did a physical job as well and by 65 he was knackered, even though he liked to keep himself fit.

Yeah but the fact is @fairydolphin that some posters come onto this type of thread banging on about ALL their hobbies and interests, and 'climbing mountains' and running marathons and scuba diving - and ALL the international travelling they do every few months, and all their friendship groups, la la la la la la, and how they could NEVER just stay at home, pootling around the garden, and doing 'boring' indoor hobbies, and only see other people every few weeks.

There is an air of superiority and snobbery in some peoples posts - like they think their choice/their lifestyle is the the correct one. Boils my piss truth be told. SO arrogant!

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway That’s all true, they can choose whatever lifestyle they want. That isn’t the point. The point is that OP’s parents want her to visit them and sit doing nothing like they do. And they complain about her not visiting them often enough to sit doing nothing. They don’t have a right to expect her to do that, any more than I’d have a right to want visitors but expect them to do something they don’t like while they’re visiting.

I am presuming people talking about being active was a comment on the fact the OP was pondering if it was to do with age, so people were giving examples of active lifestyles age 50 and over. Hence, its probably not about age and more likely to do with people's personal preferences.

Its still selfish AF to expect your family to do only what YOU want to do every single time you meet up.

I’m really not asking them to climb mountains/run marathons/scuba dive @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway (I don’t fo any of those things in any case), but any kind of enthusiasm for life would be better than how they are currently (and it sounds like you have that, which is great, and this thread is in no way intended as a slight on you).

Their sitting around and complaining about everything/everyone is what’s draining. It’s not about any kinds of hobbies being superior to or more worthy than others.

Why can't you just spend time with them doing their quiet things, watching TV and chatting about what's on, talking about what they are playing on their iPad, then leave them for a bit while you go out some fresh air?

It's quite nice to "do nothing" together and do quiet things indoors rather than feeling you have to do activities.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP has to sit in silence staring at her parents for days on end, only that the part of all this she has control over is how much she sees them and on what terms. She can’t dictate that they become different people and it wouldn’t work if she tried.

Do either of them work still?

They both work part time, yes

I agree with @Foxblue on the first page. You don’t have much to lose at this point by risking some slightly hurt feelings if you follow that advice.

Otherwise I would keep repeating “you are welcome to meet us in the park”, “you are welcome to take DGC for a walk/to the playground or whatever” and if they arrive, sit down and refuse to budge, just get up and go to the park anyway.

I think people can change a lot when grandchildren come along.

My MIL was a bit prone to sitting around in her late fifties too, but when our DC was a toddler she began looking after them one day per week. She adored them and was happy to take them everywhere: parks, soft-play, toddler music sessions and even learned to swim so that she could take DC to toddler swimming lessons!

I would invite them along and if they don't come, it's up to them.

DM "We're heading out to the park today to walk baby, would you like to meet up and we can grab a coffee? No, oh well, shame."

Maybe some friendly Granny rivalry might give them a shake up too when they see that the other Granny is so much more fun.

I don't think that's normal at all
Personally I think it's a mindset and outlook on life
I'm 59 and moderately disabled with CP, so I don't work now, but I'm told I have a young outlook on life and am interested and interested in people
I keep up with current affairs and enjoy mumsnet for other topics as my DC are all adults now
I catch up with friends, or they visit me for a chat
Certainly I would be proud to have a grandchild and love watching them develop and look at the world through their eyes.
Unfortunately I can't see they will magically change though but you might choose to visit less, as you'll be busy

Of course YANBU. You are allowed to spend your precious free time doing things you enjoy just a much as they are currently doing what they enjoy. I also agree with @Foxblue

'So, once the baby has grown up a bit, we won't be wanting every visit to be sitting indoors as its not going to be fun for them or us, I just want to give you a bit of a heads up ahead of time, we're going to be really tight on time off and we're going to want to spend that time out and about mostly. I just wanted to let you know now, so you aren't suprised if we suggest visits are at the park etc'
Look, might be an odd way to go about it, or might cause a huff, but at least they'll have had warning!

Give them a warning now and invite them along to things you are doing. They cannot then complain you have excluded them. If they decline, then thats on them and it's their choice not to engage. If they say "but we never see you" you can then counter with "but we invited you to xyz......".

Thing is you can be a homebody and be in the kitchen experimenting with new recipes or baking lovely cakes, playing board games with the family, spending time gardening, doing DIY projects, doing a hobby like painting or crochet or woodwork, working on home decor etc. These people just watch TV 24/7.

Blimey - they're both younger than me 😮

Are there any health, disability, MH, pain issues?

If not - it's attitude. If they're going to be wanting contract and meetups etc etc they're going to have to step up and join in.

The thought of sinking down into old age attitudes and behaviour when they're NOT makes me 😱 ...

OP I don't know if this is really the case but it sounds like you don't like them very much.

Quite often when we have kids it brings up thoughts about our own childhood and we can see our own parents differently than previously. This includes both the good and bad - things we may hope we do differently, and also a realisation that, mostly, our own parents, once young hopeful and expectant parents-to-be themselves, did the best they could for us.

As for your dh's parents, they sound different to yours but I'm sure they have their faults too. We all do.

And your parents may bore you now but I'm sure they were bored when they spent time potty training you, or were up half the night with you puking on them - as you will shortly find out for yourself a lot of this stuff can be rather tedious! At least having been through it themselves they'll be able to help support you when the baby is here. And you may be glad of a calm stable house you can take your kids to safe in the knowledge that mostly people will be in and ready to make you a cup of tea rather than going hang gliding or running marathons every weekend.

I think you just have to keep inviting them to do things with you, and then when they complain of not seeing you, you can point out that they always refuse all your invitations.
If they invite you to come and sit in their living room, find a park or somewhere near and say you'll meet them there. It will be a bit easier to say you have to go out somewhere when you have kids.