Parents not yet 60, don’t want to do anything - am I being unfair?

[bemusedbertha]

Just interested in others’ thoughts on this. My parents are not yet 60 (late 50s) and they’re not interested in doing anything. I’ve suggested things like going to concerts or going on holidays together etc, but they don’t like crowds and they won’t go on a plane or a ferry, and they won’t drive on the other side of the road abroad. They don’t have passports, which is the biggest logistical hurdle, probably.

Of course everyone is entitled to do what they like, but I’m finding it hard because they complain we don’t see them enough. When we do see them, they either just sit in our living room for hours at a time, or we do the same in theirs. They’re not interested in day trips or walks etc (they don’t like walking far and cafes/restaurants are too loud for them), they’ll just sit there watching tv or on their ipads.

By contrast, my ILs are slightly older (early 60s) but very active and we spend more time with them, including doing activities we all enjoy. My parents seem to be old before their time, really. It probably doesn’t help that my mum isn’t very easy to get on with (my dad’s words), and my dad would rather not say anything/not call her out for a quiet life.

I think I’m asking because I’m expecting DC1 next year and I know the pressure to spend more time with them will ramp up, but my and DH’s time with our DC at weekends and on annual leave will be precious due to work etc (I’m planning to go back after mat leave at 6ish months due to finances).

I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on them. What do you think? Is this normal for late 50s?

Their negative and extreme right wing opinions sound suffocating and toxic.

Holding these views they are likely distorted and paranoid about the world - and if they dont go out to experience it they are just in an echo chamber and a self fulfilling prophecy.

My ILs were like this. No friends, no interests.

Totally joyless - sucked the pleasure out of everything.

They would complain if I bought theatre tickets for xmas - and on the occassion cried off sick.

I was cross with myself for forever trying to cheer them up and include them in my large fun family and social group - they were ignorant and ungracious guests. I wish I hadn't bothered.

They were both drinkers and I found that they had a negative effect on them as they aged.

I would suggest that you are barking up the wrong tree. They will get worse as they age - I would reengineer any future interactions as "little and often" (actually maybe forget the 'often') - whip in and out - dont sit for hours or have dinner etc.

Dont give airtime or a platform to their dreadful negative politics.

Dont expect them to match your joy in parenthood - they will drain and shadow it - dont let them do this in these precious and finite days, months, years.

Get started now detaching. Quick in and out visits that suit you.

You are not unreasonable not to want to just seat in front of a TV doing nothing...

Your parents can choose to live in such a boring and passion-less life.

But they can't expect you to do the same and to visit them all the time.

Once you have kids as you will need to prioritise your child and doing activities with your kid & partner.

It is also a worry that they are doing nothing for themselves, no exercise, social activities, no volunteering at this stage because this is only going to get worse as they get older.

You are running the risk of two elderly people who are completely dependent on you.

I would have a serious talk with them and say that you are concerned about their mental and physical health if they have nothing going on in their life and make no effort to keep active that you cannot build your family and leisure life around them.

Then put some healthy boundaries in place.

My mother like that all of her life and it was suffocating: no friends (even when she was in her 30s/40s), no interest in any hobby, social or physical activity. All she was into was shopping and gossiping about her family,

I drifted from her in adulthood because she was controlling, manipulating and expected me to put her needs first and live the same joyless life as she did...

People like that are just black holes of need that suck out the joy and spontaneity out of life.

It doesn't matter if it's "normal" or not. It's who they are.

A child is actually a brilliant excuse to get out and about with them. And if not, just keep inviting them to do things, they say no, they can't complain.

Blimey! My DH is only 5 years younger than them and we have a 4 year old. Can't imagine just withering away like this. They could have another 35 years ahead of them.

Do they have financial issues you're unaware of that's stopping them doing things?

Is it anxiety stopping them? Have they always been homebodies?

Obviously how they spend their time is their business, but from your perspective I would worry about their health declining early - especially cognitive health if they're not actually doing anything with their time

This is a good idea, give them good warning

I feel bad for the MILs being compared. Imagine for whatever reason the outside world sucks the life out of you. You have a grandchild you love but they have another nan blessed with an extroverted, full of energy, get things done personality. So you automatically look shit and boring. That must be heartbreaking.

@OriginalUsername2 actually I think you'll find that the correct response is "well why don't you just go ahead and ask MIL to be your mum then?" 😉

Thank you @Ursulla this is a really good point. I think this is what’s playing on my mind - you mention theirs being a calm and stable home and it really, really wasn’t that growing up. We walked on eggshells around my mum’s temper (or dad and I did, anyway), and it was a really unpleasant atmosphere to grow up in. They’ve never acknowledged that or apologised for it. I think that’s probably why I’m resenting the idea of being pulled back into that environment again and wanting to protect my DD from it affecting her how it affected me. Thank you for the thought provoking post

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean?

This is what sounds very familiar and I’m sorry you’ve experienced it too. I think I’m probably really overlooking this angle (my mum has always been/still can be really controlling, manipulative and guilt-tripping).

that probably plays a much bigger role in how I feel about my parents than them sitting watching tv

Excellent post from @Ursulla

OP the more you post, the more it seems that there are issues here that aren’t just them being more passive and quiet then you’d like or that they seem old before their time- your initial post just made them sound like a couple of homebodies but your later ones are very different and they sound unpleasant and controlling. You might find the long-running Stately Homes thread useful.

Would also recommend the first Philippa Perry book.

@OriginalUsername2 I mean : say that, rather than worry about looking shit and boring.

@bemusedbertha that does sound stressful and something to think about wrt your own children, what boundaries you can have around them, maybe the ones you would have liked around yourself as a child. I don't mean don't see your parents! But perhaps consider how you want people to talk to your children, what you can do if they are being disrespectful/bad-tempered around them, for eg.

Yes, exactly. I posted that I’m nearly 60 and active, not to show off smugly, but to give the OP a data point of comparison that it’s not a given to be refusing to go anywhere at 60. I also have many days (like today) where I don’t leave the house except to walk the dogs and speak to nobody. But if my family wants to do something with me, then I go. It’s a shame that OP’s parents are making her feel guilty for not wanting to limit herself to what they do, especially as she thinks they aren’t very happy doing it. What other people want to do with their lives at any age is of course up to them.

This. Being a homebody is fine but thats not what the OP is describing here. She is describing an angry mother and a dad who wont stand up to her and them just sitting in front of the TV 24/7 moaning at life and being entirely negative.

I doubt anyone would enjoy a family dynamic like that, even the people who enjoy staying at home!! It's draining and negative and completely lacking in any kind of positive mental or physical stimulation. Its certainly not an environment I would want my kids to spend time in either.

I'd be drawing very strict boundaries here if I was you and definitely going out and about. If they want to come, great, if they dont, er...great. But then they absolutely cannot tell you that you haven't made the effort to include them.

But no way would I be just sitting in that environment listening to them moan and complain on the regular.

Reading this OP, I wonder if now is the time to bring it up? Could you try to start a conversation about motherhood and what your mum found tough? could be a way to find out what her problem was then. Maybe she had a terrible boss or was bullied at work? you could say that you remember her being quite tense at the time - something like that - might provoke some useful discussions and help you understand what was going on.
Are they excited about your baby? Can you take her shopping with you for baby clothes? I'm hopeful that they'll come round for you 😌

My ILs were always a bit like this with no obvious hobbies or interests - I don't expect to be constantly entertained but with my parents more used to going out for a walk (not up trekking up hills), wander round local places of interest, visiting other people etc so always found it difficult. Now MIL has dementia FIL not keen on visitors (does have carers in) at so very low contact as they are not close enough to pop in and return home easily.

Seems to me your dad is in an abusive relationship and needs rescuing from it. I expect your mum makes his life a misery.

Thank you, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here unfortunately.

Wow I hadn’t considered it being actually abusive but yes, I’ve often thought my dad would or could be happier on his own. How could I go about this if my mum always insists on being there, even if she drags everything down?

It's nothing to do with age and everything to do with attitude. When I first met DH his parents were only 47 but rarely left their home town. Outside of their jobs they just had an endless capacity for just sitting and sitting and sitting and watching TV. Ordering a takeaway or having a pub lunch was considered an exciting event. The very few foreign holidays they took caused huge amounts of stress and trepidation.

I know lockdown came as a huge relief for MIL as it was a cast iron excuse to do nothing and go nowhere.

Some people don't live, they just exist.

In contrast my Aunt is early 80s and is still living life to the full. Foreign travel, hobbies and a great social life.

Some people become old very quickly. It's their lives. Leave them be and accept who they are.

My mum is like this . She rarely wants to go anywhere.

And I don't like the argument anymore of trying to get her to go anywhere.

We have compromised. We go out for a lunch together every couple of weeks. Amd we go to the same place. Thats the only place we go to together

When my friend was in her 20s her recently widowed gran moved in and literally sat there and did nothing all day. I visualised an elderly woman but was shocked to see a 60 something in good health. She sat there while her daughter cooked and cleaned, SIL worked til 6 and they all watched TV together all evening. Gran Mum or Dad couldn't drive and never bothered learning. We used to call her Grandma Josephine after the Charlie and the chocolate factory character who sat in bed for 20 years with no good cause. Now the next generation are getting older they do exactly the same, literally nothing. My friend visits and loves her parents but finds it so hard to understand their choices. My post isn't helpful just an example of a similar scenario. Nothing changed with grandchildren. They were more pleasant than your folks sound though

Give them some space. Perhaps that's just them. Not everyone wants to go rushing around cruising, cycling, hiking, learning and whatever else society expects us older people to do in our golden years in this modern day and age. Enjoy the time you spend with them, make an effort to talk to them about what interests them - soaps, garden, whatever and stop trying to turn them into what you think society thinks they should be. They brought you up, they are still together, I assume have good health. Just enjoy the fact that you still have two parents and make the most of it.

Agree. Let them be.