Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

When I had a Velcro baby and no other child, DH ended up doing all of the housework and cooking. I barely survived the first year because she screamed so much every second she wasn’t touching me.

if you can afford to outsource help, get help.

also, I am sure you already know this, but keep an eye on Velcro baby for signs of ASD as baby ages.

Ignore!

Get your DH to have a word so she knows how upset you've been.

Honestly try to ignore her. Focus on your life and whats best for you and your children. If you can afford the help then use it. Your children will thrive on your time more than a bit of extra cash. And as a parent of a child with additional needs myself id say dont be so hard on yourself.

If your DH is done then why are you feeling bad? She’s awful.

Tell her to mind her own business. I do feel sorry f0r these young girls who feel they have to live up to some MIL expectation. Your life, your husband, your children. Get off the 'phone, change the subject, keep the conversation about current affairs, and, if she starts again, repeat.

She's not right.

You are doing nothing wrong.

Your DH needs to have words.

I'd have told her to fuck off myself. And I wouldn't be spending anymore time with her. But I appreciate that's easy for me to say.

Please stop beating yourself up. Really you are doing nothing wrong.

How does she even know? Don’t discuss decisions with her going forward, tell her nothing.

As a parent of autistic dc, and a home educator… you do have to ignore a lot of unsolicited opinions and disapproval. Do what’s right for your family and ignore anyone else.

My ex MIL said something similar to me at a time when I was waiting for my professional licensing to come through so wasn't working. I had savings and money from my grandparents to cover my share but our finances were not her business so she (wrongly) assumed my ex was carrying the financial load. She made some kind of comment of "why should he" or something. I replied "I'm REALLY good in bed Susan :)". It's even better if you say it super casually and then move the conversation on by saying something about the weather or traffic.

Ignore the old bat. For some (older) women they’re not happy unless they’re making everyone else’s lives as miserable as theirs were. Couple that with the belief that every man who so much as changes a nappy is an absolute saint deserving of 10 minutes worth of comments and it’s a perfect storm.

You sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate and you’re doing a great job, so just file her comments under “mad witterings of nasty old bag” and forget about it. I agree I’d also reduce contact and stop telling her stuff, it’s not worth it.

Couldn't agree more!

This what a rude judgemental woman.

No need for the ageism.

I would avoid speaking to your MIL. If she tries to goad you, go grey rock on her. She only does this stuff to wind you up because being cruel gives her pleasure. Deprive her of that pleasure. Good luck with the home schooling and taking care of your new baby. I think you are doing great.

Fuck her. Seriously. I'd be having absolutely nothing to do with her after some of the nasty things she's apparently said.

Absolutely 100% this.

Am amazed how many people here think the answer to all conflicts is to stop all contact.

Also think although DH could speak to her, you are equally entitled to/capable of this. I have had to rally myself when speaking to my incredibly difficult in laws, but when I've done so (carefully but firmly), it has made things better. Stand your ground, tell her it really isn't her concern, and then reiterate these kinds of comments whenever necessary. She will soon get the picture.

Often some types of people perceive a kind/measured/considerate person as weaker UNTIL they stand up for themselves. You don't have to be rude back (in fact, better not to be) – don't sink to any lower level; you sound very reasonable! Just explain and leave the dust to settle.

Even if your older child was at school 5 days a week, you wouldn't by lazy as looking after an 8 week old baby is hard work.

You e got a big job on your hands with limited support so good for you that you've taken help from others, ignore your MIL as she's clearly wanting to be horrible which is unacceptable

Tell her to fuck off and mind her own business. How you and dh organise your money and childcare is your business.
I'd also be inclined to point out that dh could not work away if someone wasn't at home looking after the dc - especially when one child has additional needs and standard childcare options are not suitable!

Your dh does need to make it clear to her that what you are doing is supporting your family as much as his work.
For the record, it's much more important that you spend 1:1 time with your older child and ensure his educational and social needs are met than it is to be vacuuming or whatever other shit she thinks you ought to be doing.

I'm retired. I live alone.

I have a cleaner once a fortnight.

It's my treat to myself (she wrestles the cover on to the king size duvet, and leaves my bedroom looking like a nice hotel room).

Send your MIL in my direction if she wants to call someone lazy.

I'm so sorry that this awful woman is making you feel so bad Ponolo. Your DH has given you an 'out' already, in that you say he no longer wishes to speak to her. Not everyone in your situation has a partner who understands and is willing to side with them over a domineering and abusive parent.

I am sorry for your DH - he probably had to endure a lot as a child with a mother like that. Rather than feeling like you're 'being wet', maybe look at it as you want to act in support of him and his choices. You can stand firm together and cut her out. Minimise contact so she has less power to hurt you. I don't want to sound unkind to you, but you are allowing this woman to reduce you to tears. You can stop it right now, it sounds like your DH will support you. Block her on your phone and social media.

Alternatively, and being less-kind, you are forcing your DH to keep in contact with someone who he has said he no longer wishes to see. Why are you forcing that on him? It's not fair. If one of his friends had badly hurt you, and you were frightened of him and didn't want to see him ever again, would your DH say to you "I'm too wet to ask him to go, you have to have him round for dinner and be nice to him every fortnight and that's that. Deal with it."? I really hope he wouldn't. But that is, in a way, what you're doing to him by continuing to engage with her, despite his expressed wish not to speak with her anymore. Not only that, you are exposing your children to someone who is not nice to or about them or you. That is likely to get worse as she and they get older. People who make these sorts of comments rarely have boundaries. She is likely to repeat her comments about your family's "mental health" and other snide asides to them privately as they get older, and use them to cause further discord. You and your DH should be united in protecting them from that. I know it will be difficult and you will probably feel guilty. But being their biological GM does not give her the right to treat you or them like this. All they need to know (if they are old enough to ask) is that "we don't see granny anymore because she isn't very nice to mummy and daddy".

I'm sharing a link to this thread: Mil forcing dinner | Mumsnet, where the OP, through a well-meant but misguided attempt to "do the right thing" put up with an abusive and toxic MIL (and thus enabled her to continue to abuse her DH) for over 27 years before calling time on the nonsense. Do read all of it, if you want to, I see similarities in your situation. The OP gets a bit of a pasting to begin with, but there is much that is helpful contained there. Also hope that you CAN bring it to an end and some helpful advice and thoughts.

Please do consider limiting contact with MIL. Her attitude, actions and remarks could cause serious and lasting distress to your DCs, as well as you. You do not have to tolerate it and can protect them from her. Some of the advice on the excellent Stately Homes threads (latest here: August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet) might also be helpful.

Wishing you strength and better times ahead. xx

I don't understand these MILs who go out of their way to antagonise and criticise their DILs but then get upset when the DIL reduces or removes contact.

Yes, you are creating a rod for your own back when you over-share with MIL. Keep it grey rock.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids

You're not shit you're bloody brilliant. I was in your shoes when my kids were little so I know what hard work it is with an older child having ASD plus the demands of a baby. You are absolutely ace and don't let anyone tell you different.

Not finished reading the whole thread but the other thing that springs to mind is as much as you wanted a close relationship with her, you can't make her into a decent person or receptive the that.
Sometimes you have to just accept you got a shitty deal with some people and move on. Your dh doesn't want to see her and he knows her better than you do. So follow his lead on this and stop trying - you'll be happier when you aren't exposed to all her poison.

My mum tried for years with her in-laws - they never really appreciated it and she was upset by them more than she needed to be if she'd just quietly let the relationship drift away.