Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

You do not need to explain to us or to your MIL or anyone at all why you outsource cleaning or hire a nanny as an extra pair of hands.

Just tell her it’s none of her fucking business. Don’t get upset, find your anger and outrage. Put the bloody woman back in her box!

Firstly, you have now learned that you don't tell MIL things. Dh discovered this with his own parents who seemed have opinions on everything we did. He also told them to back off, decisions we made were ours and nothing to do with them and if they couldn't say something supportive to not say anything at all.

Secondly, you need to talk to your Dh and I hope he tells his Mum to keep her opinions to herself. She is not living your life with your children. I am sure the hiring of help was a joint decision and he can tell her that.

Thirdly, you do what works for your family. I was a sahm with a child in nursery one day a week. It used to be 3 when I worked but I kept him in because it worked for us. The number of people who had an opinion on this was unbelievable. As someone out the other side as in my children are now adults, as long as no one is suffering do what you want. You will never please everyone all the time, live your life the way you want with your family which is your Dh and your children, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. A nanny and a cleaner sound amazing.

Ask HER if she'll help you out for a while, with the baby/housework. If she says no, then carry on as you are.

Oh, her poor kid being explored by this evil wife 😅 Honestly, as long as you and your husband are in agreement, tell her to fuck off. Anyone who’s taken care of a newborn knows how hard and overwhelming it is, if it’s something you as a family can afford what’s the matter? I think it is very much a case of “I suffered on my time so she should suffer too”. Also, I find alarmingly how all mother of sons think they are poor little creatures explored by their lazy and gold diggers wives!

Also get snide comments about why my own mum doesn't help more. My mum is lovely but she is severely agoraphobic and has other difficulties as MIL knows full well.

There are times in life when it is perfectly reasonable to say to someone 'Will you just fuck off you meddling sanctimonious bitch'.

This is one of those times.

You need to listen to your DH and stop speaking to her. It will make your life more peaceful and you will all be happier as a result.

Perfect!

Come on woman, get a hold of yourself.

Your MIL is so horrid her own son no longer wants anything to do with her.

And despite this, and her constantly criticizing you personally, you felt sorry for her - can you see how batshit this sounds written down?

Time to block her on your phone and make sure she doesn't have a door key.

I should not have told her. Whoever said that is right. She phoned and was being perfectly nice so it was my mistake.

I always wanted a close relationship with my MIL as I adore my mum but I don't have a traditional mother daughter relationship with her. I'm really sad she is how she is.

And it would have absolutely fuck all to do with you. Who do people actually think they are that they have ANY say on the set up of another persons home life?

We wouldn't be paying for them if we couldn't afford it.

None of her nosy fucking business, OP.

Tell your husband to support his wife and family choices, and to go and speak to Mummy and tell her she needs to do the same.

Do not get involved.

And it's not like I was asking her to help, either!

On what grounds would you be ‘asking questions’??? Even if you believed the OP was spending her days taking babble baths while the nanny dealt with both children and the cleaner cleaned, and that your Poor Timothy was being taken for a ride, what would give you the right to interfere?

It’s no one else’s business how much help or not others get - butt out or help out was my mantra when my kids were little
her oldest child has special needs and she home schools
Motherhood is not a competition for doing the most with the least resources
the MIL sounds horrible and mean

Personally, my first assumption would be to credit them with being grown ass adults who were capable of making their own decisions about their lifestyle and not "question" anything.

I would think bloody great that they have help. Why would anyone think otherwise and think it was automatically wrong?

But is it okay if your daughter is ‘lazy’b Or struggling? Or overwhelmed

It is not her job to look after the children but it is also not her place to stick her big neb in and criticise her DIL and son's choices.

I assure you that sole responsibility for the education of an ASD 9 year old plus an 8 week old baby is not "lazy". Were he at school 5 days a week, you might have a point.

I might feel pathetic but lazy I am not. The only time I sit down is when I'm breastfeeding.

Whereas interfering judgy people are just peachy