Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

OP, your MIL was perfectly horrible to speak to you in that way, and to be so hurtful to you in the past as well. Might I suggest the Grey Rock Method for dealing with her in the future:

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/

Might I also suggest that your DH has a serious chat with his mother about how she speaks to you.

Can we stop with the "old hag" and "old bat" type insults?

We will ALL be old one day (hopefully).

Love the poster who said you are paying for help because you don't have the high quality grandparent help some get!

You sound very restrained in the amount of help you have in to be honest. People who think only paid work has value are both a bit stupid and annoying. Cut her off and don't bother with her any more. Why be a punching bag for someone?

I would tell her she's no longer welcome in your home and you have no interest in seeing her. Tell her her son can facilitate any visits with her if he's interest, as you're not.

She's rude and judgmental and beyond out of order for the way she talks to you. No wonder her own son doesn't want to talk to her either. Stop engaging. She's not worth another thought.

She is completely wrong and horrible. Stop talking to her till she apologises and get you DH to speak to her.

You are temporarily homeschooling your son for very good reasons and a huge number of people's experiences during covid lockdowns proves this is next to impossible whilst also try to care for a baby or toddler.

Ignore. It works for you and she should butt out.

Ignore MIL. She’s miserable.
Get all the help you can afford, cleaner, ironer, cook, whatever you can.
You have a full time job as a mum and teacher.
If MIL is that upset she can hoover your floors, clean the toilets etc…

You’re not shit, OP, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and what you feel is best for your children. Your MIL sounds cold and judgmental.

I home school my asd dd and it is 9 till 3 every day then extra bits in evenings.
It takes up a lot of time. Other children in school and I still find myself rushing round early morning before 9 getting everything done or late into the evening .
It's not somthing that just takes an hour out of the day.
Your mil sounds like she hasn't a clue.

Talk about kicking someone when they are already down. Jesus Christ what a weapon of a Mother in Law you have there @Ponolo.

Stop communicating with her for a time. If she asks why you're not in touch with her any more tell her that the time you were spending sitting talking to her, you're now spending vacuuming or dusting or whatever (even if you're not doing those things). She won't know so she can't call you out on it.

How dare she!!!

You and your DH are doing the best for your kids and by your kids.

Have a cry today but tomorrow, I want you to channel your inner rage towards this woman and have nothing to do with her. If your DH wants to stay in touch that's up to him but as of today, you're focused on your kids, pure and simple. If you need help with that, you need help with that and there is absolutely no shame whatsoever in reaching out and asking for help. None.

I'm furious on your behalf!!! How dare she.

wtf I would be FUMING. How dare she

F* her. Honestly what a bitch. You know the truth get DH to talk to her and expect an apology. Completely out of order. If she isn’t helping I’d go NC

Is she the type of people that believe autistic children just need a bit of discipline?

My mil was similar about me having a cleaner. I told her that the cleaner had been chatting to me and was actually horrified that in the uk we can have family so nearby that don’t help their family out and how disgusting she thought it was. That shut MIL up she isn’t used to criticism

@Ponolo seriously, if your DH has gone NC with his own mum, please follow his lead. I regret trying to keep things going with my MIL when my DH wanted to go NC, I thought I was helping. Block her, do not let her see your children. What’s the point. You sound like you are doing amazing and I’m glad you’ve found a nanny that works for you. My friends with a child with autism are completely reversed, in that they work nights and sleep during the day now he’s at school as he’s up all night and it’s the only way they don’t die from lack of sleep when they are not paying for someone to sit overnight with him. You sound wonderful.

There needs to be a support group for those with ignorant mother-in-laws! She sounds awful. You need to do what you think is best for your kids and she needs to keep her opinions to herself. I hope you manage to get some peace from her. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances.

What a jealous and horrible woman she is. She can keep her nose out of your business. Your DH is earning and if he’s happy to spend it on help then do it! Ignore her, you’re doing everything you need to!

You mentioned your DH doesn’t speak to her but you had because you felt sorry for her…don’t make that mistake again, can you go NC, or at least minimise it to family gatherings? Personally I wouldn’t want someone that toxic near kids (or me!)

I’m in a similar position with my 7 yr old ASD DS. This is such a helpful post, @Soontobe60 , thank you.

Your husband has the right idea. Don't waste any more time or effort on feeling sorry for her.

Tell her to fuck off. How dare she!?

Given DH isn’t bothered about contact, I would just stop any direct contact with her and see what develops.

What an awful, awful woman.

I would go Low Contact over this - just see her a bare minimum amount when you absolutely have to. And ask your husband to have a word explaining to her why what she said was very unkind and wrong.

That is appalling. I'm so sorry she spoke to you like that, it really is unacceptable.

Your husband should absolutely be having a strong word with her, but I would also be tempted to talk her through exactly what a day entails for you while taking care of an eight week old baby while simultaneously homeschooling an ASD child. The absolute cheek to imagine that this constitutes sitting around watching daytime telly and that you simply don't fancy doing the housework.

I'd happily give her an earful. You may be able to tell I am fuming on your behalf!!

You know that thing they tell people being arrested 'anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law', that's your MIL. Hurting other people makes her feel good and anything you tell her about your life is ammunition for her to use against you. I sincerely doubt that she genuinely believes what she's saying, she probably doesn't even have an opinion either way, she only cares that what she's saying is hurting you.

The more that you try to justify and explain the more she can dig her claws in and pleasure from your upset. Don't answer the phone to her, if you do and she's mean again, don't continue the conversation "Well that's certainly a point of view, got to go, bye".

You're doing great, your DC don't care who does the cleaning but they do care that you can spend happy, unstressed time with them. I'm full of admiration for people who cope with adverse circumstances because they have no choice, but there's no glory in doing things the hard way if you can afford to pay for a better way.

Love this 🤣

You’re not just a SAHM. You’re a parent carer which is a whole job in itself. The additional care and support having a disabled child takes is massive. Especially if there is no break for school. You stay home to facilitate your husband supporting your family. He isn’t just working to support you. Unfortunately many people who do not have a child/ children with disabilities just will never understand.