Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

I’d try to look very pious, and say that your children need you, and that anyone can clean a house, but only you can be your children’s mummy.

She sounds like a massive bitch. And horrible to your eldest.

"great, well thanks for offering to help us - we'll see you in the morning MIL"

Honestly, what a dick. I literally couldn't bring myself to care what she thought.

I wonder if she also thinks a teacher in a school classroom should be simultaneously able to teach a lesson while caring for a young baby and popping the hoover round and making dinner.

Tell her to fuck off, seriously. It's upto you and your husband what you spend your joint money on

I'm sorry op for your lost babies and the stress you are going through. Your mil is being plain nasty. Not her money, not her business. I have a NC sister who is nasty and she was particularly spiteful when my SEN DD was younger. We had a huge issue and she put my child at risk by gossiping about us. No apology, no acknowledgement.
If your mil has always been like this I would tell her you can't cope with her manner,you've had enough. You've just had a baby so congratulations on that.
If I had more money I'd have a cleaner, ironing lady and a Gardner and my DC are grown up.
Next time she suggests you enjoy your DHs money I'd be tempted to tell her you're there for the sex!

Feeding again so just popping onto say thanks for all your posts. I feel much better reading them.

Just see less of her.

Are you the MIL?

Oh and also, you're doing fantastically. Homeschooling is hard work, looking after kids with additional needs is hard work, newborns are incredibly hard work and you're managing with all three! You're a superwoman.

DH doesn't want to speak to her anymore but I'm wet and felt sorry for her.

I know people mean well but I hate it when they do this. They think they know better than their DH/DP, but sooner or later they find out exactly why their OH wants nothing to do their family members. And then it gets messy.

For that reason I aso disagree with PPs that her DH should be having a strong word with his mother, as if she has a DH problem. If she'd followed his lead and let him do what he thinks is right for him, for OP and the DCs, this wouldn't be happening.

Glad you're feeling better this evening, @Ponolo

This is mental OP, her own son doesn't want to talk to her because she's so nasty, and you keep leaving the door open 😅 honestly no-one who has a newborn gets cleaning done and no-one who homeschooled in lockdown got anything done so I think you've probably got your hands full!

Just don't worry about MIL. I'm sure you could think of a few things she has done wrong, it's not like she's a paradigm of perfection.

It's none of her business and she should have said nothing, whatever her opinion.

@Ponolo I was just thinking today that I might look into getting a cleaner as I'm really struggling with the house and I just can't deal with it on my own. DH is great with the kids but he's doing a lot of DIY jobs at the minute as we're in the midst of major renovation works, so in reality there's no more he could do around the house at the minute, I'm already worried about how much he is taking on himself.

I have 2 kids and work part time so in theory I should easily be able to keep up with housework, laundry, meal prep etc too, but I just can't and I was just thinking today that I would gladly pay for a cleaner, it would be worth the money. But it did also cross my mind if I might be judged by the older generation for doing so, not that that would affect my decision, but I do think it's a generational thing. Lots of my friends have cleaners, so it's a pretty commonplace thing among our generation, but then I do think we are juggling a lot more than our parents had to.

Seeing as your MIL sees fit to be so rude out of the blue, do it right back to her. Tell her in no uncertain terms to mind her own f*cking business whenever she is being judgemental. If she is visiting you and saying nasty stuff, kick her out. She can visit when he son is back.

You don't need to bother with people who treat you like an appliance.

I don't think this has anything to do with age.

I'm nearly 70 and I had a cleaner and a nanny when my DC were little.

Agree. If she's going to dish out nastiness she had better be prepared to take it.

I did this with a toxic relative; I'd always been a doormat to their endless stream of critques about my attire, the way I interact with people like taxi drivers (I try to chat with them so they don't feel like robots or servants), my driving and other things I never solicited input about. Finally I started giving it RIGHT back and she shuts up now, but we also are very distant. Fine with me.

I would only say I had a problematic mother. My H was always polite to her and I don't think it would've helped anybody involved - me, the children, my husband, the wider family - if he, I or anybody else was rude to her. Your MIL is part of your family. She may not always say things you agree with. You are free to ignore these things without causing a rift in the family, particularly between your H and MIL.

I know "BUT IT'S YOUR FAMILY".

This is the same argument used to excuse pedophiles or that horrible uncle who gets drunk at Christmas and makes sure eveyone has a horriblle time.

Life is too short for this shit.

I don't think the OP is accusing her MIL of being a peadophile or irresponsible alcoholic. That's quite an extreme thing to say.

Feel for you OP but the biggest clue is her son doesn’t want to speak to his own mother! Save yourself. This woman maybe wants you out of the picture altogether - if her son doesn’t want to know then you are playing with fire by carrying on with the communication. She doesn’t like you, but she speaks to you all the same. Join the dots. Her nasty comments are for a reason.

I would reframe it in my mind as she's done you a huge favour. She's gone too far and now you can give yourself permission to go NC or extremely LC. If you find yourself feeling wet and caving you can remember that conversation and give your head a wobble.
Years ago my MIL disrespected me in my own home in a similar way and afterwards I told DH I held my tongue for him but the consequences of her actions were me not entertaining her in my home again. And I didn't in that home. As a result of years of me being strong and having boundaries due to her behaviour, we now have a close relationship.
If she gets away with this behaviour she will never stop, she obviously feels entitled to talk down to you.

I don't even know how you managed to twist what I said into the above.

What I meant is that the same dynamic that keeps people interacting with toxic family members, because they feel they have to because of the "it's family" argument, keeps pedophiles protected. We tolerate it because "family" and tell the victims of their awful behavior to be quiet and to tolerate it to keep things peaceful on the surface.

Hope you're ok op. Life will get easier along the way.

As far as I'm concerned your MIL can go fuck herself. She's not living your life or paying your bills.

You're a team with DH and this works for you. I have a cleaner. Doesn't mean I can't cope. And if I could afford it I would sure as shit have a nanny.

You're doing a fabulous job and sounds like you put your kids first in every decision. Don't let a miserable old bitch like her ruin the early years for you. Cut her off.

What did you reply with OP?
I would have said, "What do you think I be doing when the help is in"? "Do you think I'm sitting with my feet up or do you think it's a case of I can't do two things for two people at once"!
"I can always ask DH to stay at home to help, would that suit you? Or maybe you can step in and help, then you can see exactly what needs done"!!