Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

Mumsnet is such an excellent place to learn what not to do if and when you finally become an MIL.
Generally think it’s summed up as:
“MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!”

Oh my- totally ignore her. Unless you have a child with sen/disability etc you have no idea what you are talking about and even then there are varying degrees so nobody knows your own experience.

There is no point struggling, if you need help you should get it. What's the point of being a martyr?

Ignore your MIL. I don't think she should be saying anything to you and it was very insensitive. You sound like you have your hands full and need all the help you can get.

This brings back memories (flashbacks?!) of trying to homeschool an ASD Reception child while also managing a Velcro baby of a similar age to yours during lockdown. It nearly sent me to the madhouse and that was reception. Hats off to you - it can feel very difficult trying to meet both their needs.

I am so glad you’re in a position to buy in some help - it’s the smartest thing you could do under the circumstances, especially if you don’t have family close by who are able and willing to help.