Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

A SAHM who has a cleaner once a week and someone who sits with their very young baby a couple of half days a week to allow OP to spend more time with their complex needs son, whom she’s home schooling. That’s not “staff”. Unless I’ve left out a butler and live in cook.

I think the DH has the easier option.

Op you can practice grey rock on homenothome

Why would you feel the need to ask questions? it's not your business.

You're right, it's not MIL's job to look after her grandkids, therefore it's not her business how their parents choose to parent them.

You and your husband have found a way of life that you can afford which means that each member of the family gets what they need. Excellent! It isn't anyone else's business. Do your best to ignore the goading.

Exactly this

It sounds like you have two children who are simultaneously in very high needs stages and you are putting their needs first. Good for you. How you run your family is up to you and your husband. MIL can butt out! I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It sounds like you are a great mum and doing your best for your boys.

She does have a point.... Maybe she shouldn't have said it so rudely and I guess it isn't her business to begin with. But she's not wrong

Deeply unhelpful and one of those instances where if you have nothing positive to say, then keep it moving. Voice your opinions or move on, spiteful insinuations don’t help.

OP - proceed as you were. You arrange the help you need in a way you can afford and that you think best suits your family. You are doing your best, if MIL can’t see that, then that’s a “her issue”. Not your problem. Chin up lady x

I find people dislike a judgemental prick far more than they like a 'lazy' DIL who is looking after two kids with very different and very full on needs. But it looks like MNHQ agree with everyone here on that front!

This is a distressed woman approaching a support forum for a bit of (well, who'da thunk it!) support.

What does disagreeing with her even mean? Opposition to her own and her DH's joint decision as to how their economic and household labour is divided? Other women frequently have something to say about these decisions (men don't, funnily enough). Or did you mean disagreeing that she as a mother knows what's best for her autistic child? Bit of a reach, there. Or are you disagreeing that MiL wasn't quite within her rights to criticise OP in such personal terms? She was far overstepping her remit. And even if for the sake of argument she was right (she wasn't), it was still none of her damned business.

The mode of your objection isn't quite clear, so it can only be assumed that in time-honoured MN style you've plopped on here to have a pop at a mother who's already struggling.

Congratulations. Hope your post made you feel better about your day.

This

It’s really none of her business. When I was SAHM, I had cleaner in and it was amazing - life was exceedingly busy for a few reasons (not as busy as yours!) but I wanted to prioritise my kids and we had the money. I would get DH to speak with her and ask her to keep opinions to herself. You sound like an amazing mother doing a super job for your kids!

She is wrong.
The OP and her DH have chosen to pay for some help.
It isn't the MIL's business.

This what?

OP, you can do whatever you want - your set up with staff sounds great.
But why are you even telling your MIL this stuff? It's nothing to do with her. The less you tell her, the less she can criticise.

Her own son doesn't want to talk to her and she's a bitch to you. Step right back from the relationship with her for both your sakes.
You don't need to answer when she calls, you don't need to tell her you have a cleaner, you don't need to tell her about a miscarriage - it's all just ammunition for her.
I totally understand wanting a good MIL relationship but you aren't going to get one from her so I'd seek that supportive relationship elsewhere.

I'm not dealing with the complexities of an ASD child or home schooling, if I could afford a cleaner and a nanny to spend a bit more one to one time with my older child they'd be booked in for tomorrow and the jealousy seeping from others on this thread is ridiculous because of course they would do the same if money is no issue.

Do not explain yourself to your MIL, don't entertain her future phone calls, she can fuck right off. You've recently given birth and are fragile, do not let anyone potentially knock your mental health. It sounds like you're doing great and have found a way to relieve the pressure on yourself and your husband (who is also responsible for keeping a clean home) that you're both happy with. Enjoy those contact naps when you can and let your body recover.

It’s not being wet still having contact with her, it’s an act of pointless self harm. She’s an absolute arsehole. Her own son doesn’t want to see her, follow his lead and block her right now.

You’ve got plenty of demands on your energy without taking on the uninvited criticism of this revolting person.

What is her point? Which bit of it has anything at all to do with her?

Absolutely understandable about being upset at your MILs cruel comments. She is totally wrong - caring for a newborn and a child with additional needs is really tough. If you have money to help buy in support then absolutely go for it.
As your DH wants to limit contact with his mother and her behaviour towards you is so cruel I would cut contact for the moment. It is great that you want a good relationship with your MIL, but she's the other half of that......if she won't play nice then it's something of a lost cause.

Perhaps the PP expects you to stick a broom up your butt and sweep the floor at the same time!

Honestly. This forum.

Cut her out of your life. Don’t even tell
her why. Just stop answering her calls. It’s the only way to deal with women like that.

DH doesn't want to speak to her anymore but I'm wet and felt sorry for her.

For goodness sake, just why do people do this? It’s his mother, you should be taking your cue from him, if - for good reason - he doesn’t want to speak to her. Stop undermining him.