Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

I think the mumsnet classic ‘did you mean to sound so rude’ might work well here.

or ‘You do have some funny and rather dated ideas MIL!’ And then ignore

I hope her son has told her to mind her own business

If he hasn't, you should

Some younger ones can be vile too

Just sayin...

The problem is people seem to get ruder when they get old, especially women.

My MIL was lovely until she turned 70, and now she says the most vile things about people in the family for literally no reason. Comments on their weight and such in really mean ways.

My MIL was like this. Ignore her. My MIL didn't work, had loads of paid help and only one child. I had 3 dc and worked 4 days a week. She just always had to find fault.

Outsource dealing with her to her son. OK, so it means she isn't involved - oh, well, never mind.

Well, this is the last straw. She no longer is welcome in your home or in your life. She does not see her grandchildren. If your husband decides he still wants her in his life he can visit at hers.

Just get rid. She's a nasty toxic person.

You are an amazing woman and mum, I take my hat off to you. People who dont have a child with autism will never understand due to their ignorance the daily struggles your child faces and the level of care they need. Do not let your MIL upset you I get wanting to be close but sweetheart she is not a good person. Cut contact and carry on your doing amazing!!
Your boys will be so proud to have a mama who ensures all of their needs are being met.
Huge hugs , take care xx

What happens in your home is none of her business. As your husband doesn't speak to her, feel free to tell her to get to fuck.

Your DH needs to tell her to wind her neck in and mind her own business.

You sound like a fantastic mum and partner, if the set up works for you then that's all that matters. Her comments sound very spiteful and your DH needs to speak to her about them. How could you possibly be lazy and doing nothing when you are home educating your son and looking after a newborn? And then MIL's moan about not having a good relationship with their DIL!

Just want to say you are amazing and are doing a fab job. Ignore your MIL’s terrible behaviour.

Well I wouldn't be contacting her or speaking to her ever again and as your dh doesn't want to either problem solved.

Tell the old bag to mind her own business.

Honestly she can FUCK RIGHT OFF. And your husband needs to tell her that. Please don’t cry, you are inevitably doing a brilliant job and she has absolutely no idea (or has forgotten) how hard it can be.

So your husband wants to stop talking to his Mother but you dont !

She's a nasty piece of work OP.
She should be helping you not kicking you down.

It's great that DH doesn't want to speak to her any more. Now you don't have to either.

Oh god please cut her out. If DH wants to go no contact, let him lead. Unless she’s offering help or support in some way her opinion is not valid!

I can't believe anyone thought it in the least appropriate to post something nasty, @Ponolo. If your mother-in-law can't/won't offer help whilst her son is away travelling and unable to give the mother of his children/her grandchildren emotional and physical support, albeit financial support because he is working, it is not up to her to query any decisions you make to be sure that both your children get the support they need from you whilst you are lone parent. I hope this makes sense, I'm so incandescent at the criticism you're receiving that I'm probably writing rubbish.

As other PP have said, MIL needs to wind her neck in and your DH should deal with her. Frankly if I was in your situation, I would have to restrain myself in that regard.😡

She sounds pretty ignorant. Have faith in the decisions that you and your husband have made for your family. Her opinion doesn't matter - she's wrong and you know it so who cares what she thinks!

I had a good MIL I liked when my children were small. They are now in their 30s and my MIL died around 10 years ago. She did however give some opinions I didn't agree with. I politely listened to her then ignored her opinions when I felt they were unhelpful. You know your children. It's between you and your H to decide what's right, not your MIL even if, like I did, you'd want to be polite to her

Let's face it, regardless of age your MIL is not a nice person especially if her own son can't be bothered with her. It's lovely that you wanted a good relationship with her but it take two to tango and she's not interested. Sometimes the best course of action is to give up, she's never going to be kind to you, she takes every opportunity to be nasty so just give up Op

@Ponolo I'd have told her to fuck right off. Then again I can't be struggling along in relationships that make me miserable