Judged by MIL for paying for help

[Ponolo]

I've got an 8 week old velcro baby who isn't content unless being carried by me in the sling and I'm currently homeschooling my ASD 9 year old while we wait for a place at a particular school becomes available for him - he couldn't cope with mainstream school. DH is great but travels for work a LOT. Days when I have both boys alone I'm lucky if I manage to unload the dishwasher between seeing to both their needs. I'm a SAHM so always did my own cleaning but we have just engaged a cleaner once a week plus an ad hoc nanny who either comes and sits with the baby a couple of afternoons/mornings a week so I can spend more 1:1 time with DS, or takes older DS to homeschool activities.

Just had an extremely upsetting conversation with MIL where she told me why should her son work hard all week while I sit at home doing nothing paying someone else to do the things I should be doing.

I'm a SAHM because of my older child's complex needs and obviously I'd be on maternity leave anyway - before baby was born I did take on bits of freelance work to keep my skills up and keep my foot in the door of the world of work.

I'm in tears thinking she's right, how shit must I be that I can't cope with two kids. I had 6 miscarriages before this baby and we wanted him so much. But it's so hard.

She already judges us for taking DS out of school but the school couldn't meet his needs and it was truly distressing watching him suffer. He's been a different child since we did it, even with a newborn in the house.

You need to get DH to speak to your MIL and tell her to wind her neck in. He needs to tell her it was a joint decision and it allows you to do your job which is looking after and educating your joint children which means he can go out to work.

She sounds awful, OP.

That attitude of the man working to support his wife is very, very outdated.

You're doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.

I expect MIL doesn't understand your older child's needs, either.

Pay no attention to her. If she carries on, tell her you'll go back to work if her son will stay at home with the children and do the housework.

What a bitch.

What a jealous old hag.

Ignore ignore ignore.

I wish I had had help. Being a sahm is just as hard.

Is MIL offering to come on over and watch the baby while you help DS1 instead? Thought not. In which case, it's none of her business how you organise your life and spend your money.

What a horrible woman.

There is more than one person's work in the role you have described. You've made a decision in everyone's best interests to delegate some responsibilities so everything gets done.

Don't give her any more time in your head.

She is ignorant and rude. I agree your DH should explain to her that these are joint decisions for the benefit of your children.

How bloody rude of her. DH definitely needs to have a word.

You have made an excellent plan for the circumstances. Just ignore her.

Hmm I don't know, are we allowed to disagree, or is this one of those posts where we are only allowed to agree with the OP?

In that case there there, how very dare she

Ignoring any of the extra context… you don’t need to justify yourself and she should be helping you not judging you.

Your DH needs to read her the riot act and tell her very clearly what’s what. Ie you agreed it as a family she needs to stfu and keep her opinions to herself and she needs to apologise.

i would be giving her a very wide berth and she wouldn’t be welcome in my home again for a while.

Stop caring what some nasty twat thinks about your life. This should be a massive realisation to you to stop talking to this woman. Tell your husband he had better put her firmly in her place, and going forward, he can communicate with her because you will not be. Stop being a doormat for her emotional abuse.

I bet she's said all kinds of nasty things to you, OP.
This won't be the first time she's upset you.

She needs to mind her own business. It's not like you are asking her for the money to pay for it. Don't worry about her. I'd ignore her and crack on!

Clearly your MIL is just plain ignorant, but your dh should be the one who deals with her.
As a teacher, I would say that in school, children get very little 1:1 time with an adult so if you're trying to spend the day teaching him, you're likely doing too much and it cold be too intensive for him! He needs down time throughout the day and the opportunity to complete tasks independently. If he's unable to do tasks without significant support from you, it’s probably too hard for him. Id make sure that you have activities that are within his capabilities that he can do by himself - over learning is important as is independent learning. He’s already taking part in homeschooling activities out of the home which is good.
If you try to spread yourself too thinly something will break, and you dont want that to be you.
Maybe your MIL would be willing to spend some quality time with her elder grandchild rather than criticising you!

Don't see her any more. Let DH take over contact & grandkid contact.

And forget about her.

What you’re doing sounds fine. It’s also none of her business. How on earth did it come up in conversation? It just seems really odd that she started saying all this stuff. I would follow the advice I’ve read on here before which is to stop telling her things - she doesn’t need to know you have a cleaner / nanny.

You have more work than one person can manage. You have made a very sensible decision to get some help and support. She sounds incredibly jealous and unsupportive. Don't allow this to get in your head just say to her "this works for us, DH and I are both on the same page. I won't be discussing it with you or anyone else."

No because in her own words she can't cope with his constant chatter.

Well done you on making the right decisions for your family, and not sucking it all up and acting the martyr by trying to do everything.
Until your MiL can physically step in and do one of those jobs, she can stick it.

Sorry mil I didn’t realise that a third person had decision making capabilities in our marriage… your son and I thought this was our decision. just like your marriage is between you and your Dp.

If you want to be involved Let me know what bills you want to pay and what childcare and home schooling you are planning on providing and then dh and I can discuss the decisions we have made

alternatively get dh to tell her to but out

About my miscarriages I've had well at least they weren't further along.

About my weight I've had "suggestions" for diets I should follow

About my family I've had snide comments about mental health problems being hereditary

DH doesn't want to speak to her anymore but I'm wet and felt sorry for her.

Tell her you’re only paying for care because your kids don’t get the high quality grandparent care their friends do.

Her opinion of you is her problem. Suggest forcefully that she keeps it to herself, or takes up her anger issues with her therapist. You sound as if you’re playing a blinder, and helping out you, your older child and your new baby (not to mention your DH) by engaging appropriate help.

I genuinely don't know how people cope without extra help. We live overseas where it's very common to have a full time live in "helper" who takes care of the house and helps with the children. Our helper has just been away for a couple of weeks and oh my days I cannot. I've been sick, the kids have been sick, they're on school holidays, I'm pregnant and supposed to be resting. The house is a state and life is a lot less relaxing for both me and DH.

Sorry this was meant to quote the poster who asked if she ever helped with elder DS