Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

I thought my parents were ok until someone asked me if I’d want my own DC to have the same childhood I had. And I said “oh god no!”

Now I’m a parent myself I can see how they failed to parent me and support me. Now I’m an adult I can see how they failed as adults. We have different opinions and outlooks, and it’s not just the age gap.

Not much that can be done though. They’re my parents for better or worse. It’s my duty to look after them. I have to tolerate them and put myself out.

Yes. I love them as parents, but as people I really dislike them! They are racist, homophobic, judgey, opinionated, negative, don't make the most of their lives or go anywhere and really haven't bonded with my children. I'm amazed I turned out semi-normal.

Yep since I became a parent I can barely tolerate them. I just can’t understand how people can have such an excess of time and money and not want to make the lives of their children better in any way. We save for our kids every month even though it means us sometimes going without becaue they’re our children and we want to make their lives easier. My parents have so much and do not want to give us time (never babysit, no childcare but actually don’t even want to spend time with the kids with us there) no financial help whatsoever and actually ask for gift ideas for under £40 for the kids but then request gifts from us in excess of £100. Before I had children I thought well they don’t owe us anything but now I have my kids I think actually they do, I regularly go without to give my children the very best of everything so it is WILD to me that my parents will sit on such an excess of time and money and offer nothing, as you can tell I’m a bit bitter 😂

There is a tipping point when we become the adults in our relationship with our parents, I think. This helps me to like them a bit more and empathise.
But yeah, wait until you get to 50. You'll realise that you just have to take the good bits, have your own point of view and nod along or distance yourself from anything else.
You can do what you want though in terms of managing expectations and making it work for your family first x

Maybe your own kids will feel the same about you one day.

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

I had a lovely childhood and my parents are supportive and kind and I love them dearly. They are also very generous. I am hugely grateful to have them.

But, I have started to see their flaws now as I have aged. They have an unconventional relationship (divorced but together), my dad is a functional alcoholic and can be quite controlling. My mum is the most negative person on earth and she can be very anxious and selfish.

It’s like I can finally see them as people if that makes some sense. But we are all flawed and they are good people, just not perfect.

I very much disagree with my dad politically, and he won't just leave it alone. I would be happy to avoid discussing politics, but he always brings it up, which pisses me off no end. He is a Farage supporter. He insists on raising it every time we meet, so I now avoid meeting him.

It's complicated.

I've forgiven my mum for her inadequate parenting. Her mental health wasn't up to having troubled teens and toddlers at the same time.

I judge my dad a bit for not stepping up and protecting us from her mh issues.

Now they're old, and my dad is still good company and my mum.. isn't. It's not just me, it's how her personality has been shaped by her life. But she's still self-centred and bossy.

Spending time with them can be both nice and a chore. We're moving to their area soon, which will relieve the problem of staying with them.

I am ‘sandwiched’ in this!

I am the same age as your parent and have parents of my own.

I hope I’m not the negative influence. I really try not to be because that is all I experience with my DM. I hope my DC’s would say I’m not a negative influence. I really try to support, encourage, ask open questions, do fun things but not expect or put pressure on. It is a fine balance between building and maintaining a good relationship and being overbearing. I don’t involve myself but sometimes worry that they think I don’t care. As I say, a fine balance.

With my DM, chat is all medical usually about my DF.
She doesn’t like anyone. They are both really selfish.
They are tight with money, though have plenty and just seem to want to make life difficult. They chose not to live near me, because they set an arbitrary figure on their spend and it didn’t match their wish for a bungalow. My DB is the golden one, they live near him.
They don’t ‘live’ so have very little to talk about. My DM forms opinions on people she hardly knows. They would never think to buy me a birthday present or invite us out for a meal or a coffee.

I am ‘learning’ from them - how NOT to be but Iam absolutely terrified that I will end up the same.

I like (and love!) my mum as much as I ever did - she's a lovely, warm, kind, funny, largely positive person. However, her company has become a bit more stressful as she's got older. She's 80 now and although she's fit and well and very active, she's a lot more anxious about stuff than she used to be, a lot more forgetful, and I think just a bit less flexible and adaptable than she once was. She gets in a panic very easily which is not at all how she was when she was younger, and it's quite exhausting sometimes. I do still enjoy spending time with her - in fact, I wish I could see her more than I do - but she has definitely changed and become somewhat more infuriating as she's got older. I think most people do - I had to remind my sister the other day that our parents thought exactly the same about our grandparents when they were in their 80s and we used to think our parents were just being harsh!

I've seen DM turn into her mother with all the traits that she was criticising 30+ years ago.

Often if the main personality through adulthood was not easy, but managable, that can go past the tipping point to being intolerable as the effects of age, pain, and a shrinking of the world sets in.

Even 10 years ago I could shut DM down on certain subjects that were pointless in discussing because she's never been interested in a two-way discourse on them, but now she's so entrenched and so determined to swing every conversation into being a tedious "political" rant that it quenches any desire to have much conversation with her. Plus the logistics have become harder, some of which is unavoidable, some of which is down to her own decision making.

Will history repeat itself? Hopefully I can make better decisions at this mid-stage of life that helps my DCs down the line. I'm not coming from the same starting point either. I hope my DCs will find me easier company in 40 years and not be hindered by my impractical choices...

And maybe they won’t - such a stupid argument that someone with a complete lack of critical thinking posts.

op you are not wrong, unfortunately there’s no test to become a parent. World would be a better place if there was.

I do resent some stuff from the past. Like a lot. But I'll always love them. They love me. And I'm scared to think about what life will be like once they die :(

If they don’t want to babysit, don’t ask them. They are not under any obligation to mind your kids. You sound entitled.

I adored my parents always and had my dad to live with us until he passed away really suddenly. They were certainly very annoying at times but it didn't make me not like them. I still miss them.
On a lighter note I just asked DS 32 the question as he's visiting this week and sitting next to me, ( I'm nearly 68). He laughed and said why would I come home(his words, he's not lived here since uni) if I didn't like you both, and I certainly wouldn't stay for several days at a time if I didn't want to spend time with you. Long may it continue.

I know I annoy him sometimes and visa versa but that's normal.

Perhaps you should show some compassion towards them. Aging is not for the faint hearted. It's terrifying seeing your friends getting old and dying. It's scary being the next ones to go. Your body aches and your confidence goes. A small fall could be the end of your independence.

@KreedKafer I could have written your post (but less eloquently!) You've spelled out why i come home in a rage after each visit! Also no sibling to share with/moan to which maked it harder.x

Do people just get more negative and critical as they get older?

This sounds exactly like my in-laws and while they seem like nice people. If one of us ended up in hospital and we needed care for the kids, I know now for sure they wouldn't be there to help.

It's one reason why dispte them having no other grandchildren if anything should happen to me or DH my sister would get custody of our kids. She has her own as well but I know she would actually look after them.

I mean poor DH has realised over the years that while his parents brought him up, the best thing they did for him was pay for his education. There was no encouragement to do extra things, weekends where spent doing what his parents wanted to do, he and his sister where draged along and he was often left with his Gran most of the time. He was very keen to leave home and never went back after university. He even managed to spend some summers working away from home. Once he left at 18 he didn't really spend more then a couple of weeks with his parents again.

They will talk about being all about family, but everyone has to go to them. And since we had the kids that became less practical and I realised we where the ones making all the effort. Even inviting them meant half the time they would cancel on us, so I gave up.

They are racist, homophobic, judgey, opinionated, negative, don't make the most of their lives or go anywhere and really haven't bonded with my children.

🤣

Same here, except for the never going anywhere. My parents love a 2 week 10k Caribbean holiday.

I think we might have the same Dad!

Well they have more to be negative about surely.

For years I've thought about my mum that if she wasn't my mum I wouldn't choose to speak to her.