Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

You are still young OP and I wonder is it cyclical. I was very critical of my parents in my 20s and 30s, now I'm mid 40s I see DF and ILs ageing, and the difficult behaviours get worse and while I find it harder to deal with I am becoming more compassionate. As my kids are getting older into teens I reflect more and more on the things I resent - I had a good childhood but parents had a very narrow minded expectation of how their child should be educated, behave, look etc. However twice in recent months I made a throw away comment critical of my parents to someone older than me, in their 60s. On both occasions the person answered 'you know they were doing their best at the time'. I suspect they have come full circle in their own lives now, both have adult DC of their own and it seems acceptance of your parents may be part of that maturing process.

So true @joligood

The biggest negative is closer to death, but if they're disappointed with how their life turned out then I guess they would already be bitter about that and looking to blame or take it out on other people.

I think a lot of it is very slow cognitive decline over many decades without realising it's happening. Getting old in other ways and being jealous of people who are younger. I think post menopause is a big thing too.

The rest of it seems pretty cushy to me, getting endless free things and discounts and having tons of free time to spend however you like.

But I think a big part of it is feeling like they're being pushed out because of how much is changing and how much used to belong to them, like music and fashion and such.

I don't like or love my parents and I wish it was more normalised to have that opinion to be honest.

A lot of damage is done and cycles repeated by people feeling like they HAVE to go along with the abuse of people because blood is thicker than water, even though they would never let a friend or partner treat them the same way.

Kids today will judge their parents for putting them in daycare and sending them to lots of after school classes and arrangements. You can't win, you just don't know it yet.

Oof. My dad died quite some time ago so I didn’t include him in my earlier post. Just wanted to tell you that your description is so familiar, I think your dad and mine were very similar. I expect you and I had very similar coping strategies when we were little and they’re still with us now even though we left that house a long time ago.

I note your username.

Big up to you (no hugs, too weird, too close), keep topping up the reslience tank, it’s our superpower.

I agree that older people don't have to be grumpy or reactionary - my mom isn't. She's just as kind and supportive as ever at 87. She also regularly points out that not all older people are brevity reform supporters, too!

However, her life is shrinking—friends are passing away, and she's getting less mobile, independent, and more anxious, which can sometimes make the conversation smaller. But I still love chatting to her because I genuinely like and love her—and she still loves a laugh. I'm so lucky to have her.

It's not inevitable that we dislike our parents but I think we have to make more effort to be understanding sometimes. Unless they are genuinely horrid - fuck that!

I think people need to realise the world is a very different place to what it was. Just think in 30 years time when people are walking round well crawling around thinking their animals and we all think it's ridiculous our children will think where awful to.

You can't win, you just don't know it yet.

100% this.

The vast majority of parents don't set out to be bad people or to give their children a bad childhood. But the reality is that nobody is perfect and most people are just doing the best they can with the circumstances they're given.

I also suspect most of the parents being criticised on here would have been praised for doing the right thing if forums like MN had been around at the time 🤷‍♀️

It's also incredibly easy to judge with the benefit of hindsight. I'm sure lots of parents wish they'd done some things differently but ultimately you can't turn back the clock.

Yes, exactly.

When I was in school, we had a member of staff who was transgender and went from being known as John to being known as Jane.

The headmaster at the time had to send a letter out to parents reassuring them that their children wouldn't be in contact with "Jane" and it even made the local news because so many parents were outraged at the idea.

That was only 20 years ago.

Yes I get that, but it’s normally about a distressing event, racism, overt selfishness or horrid behaviour. I’ve never seen a thread where an op starts off by saying don’t your friends irritate you and this is why? Followed by people complaining about minor faults in their set of friends. Like I said, people have unrealistic expectations of their parents. I get the racism complaints etc-but I and my friends are older and none of us are like that!

Parents can be irritating.

I think part of that is due to the fact society at this point in time is undergoing rapid change, both in terms of technology (eg social media and the ability to communicate) and social values. A lot of older people struggle to keep up with this change and have long held beliefs which are difficult for them to change.

It's also true I think that people have become much more intolerant of people holding alternative views to them, not just in core values but in all respects. It has become more socially acceptable to just abuse people with different views or just "cancel" them rather than attempt to find common ground or live with them.

People are always going to have different views and parents and childrens views on politics and social views are always going to differ, The key is to agree to disagree and to hold your own values that you think are right while not turning every discussion into a battleground. You can make your views clear and state you don't want to discuss a topic further because you disagree strongly and the debate is divisive.

Your parents bring you up and often struggle and make sacrifices to do so, and deserve some respect and tolerance for that, as you would hope to receive from your own children.

I find my mum difficult to tolerate. We have always clashed. I remember as a child my friend's mum's would take them shopping or to the cinema. Girls days out. My mum was never interested in this. She only ever wanted to do what she wanted to do which was often very little. On holidays my dad would take us to the waterparks whilst my mum would stay behind in the hotel room. I don't think she found any joy in her children.

We are strangers and always have been. There are so many things I have been through that I have kept from her. She is highly anxious these days and if I was going through anything all she would care about is the way it makes her feel and nothing to do with my feelings.

I've never liked them let alone loved them. Growing up with them was like living in a mad house. Their morals and opinions are highly questionable as well.
My much younger siings had a completely different experience and I don't want to destroy their happy memories with the truth so I just keep a very long distance from them and keep my experience to myself.
I have an excuse never to see them as I'm disabled and can't travel that far. They certainly never come here. My parents know the truth but are in denial.

Has anyone else started to dislike their kids as they get older? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but as we become older I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it. They're irritating, sanctimonious, judgemental, and constantly expect us to provide free childcare.

Mine are older than yours and they have gotten better with age. I think my parents thought they would never be GPs. I had a baby and they are so happy. The past is water under the bridge.

It's also true I think that people have become much more intolerant of people holding alternative views to them, not just in core values but in all respects. It has become more socially acceptable to just abuse people with different views or just "cancel" them rather than attempt to find common ground or live with them.

⬆️⬆️ THIS

Also, when it comes to parenting, Worthing is abuse/abusive. There is little place for mistakes, ignorance (as in not knowing, which you dont know until you know about it) etc….
Some times, it feels nothing but perfection is acceptable (the notion of perfection being ofc very variable from one person to the next)

But I DON'T judge my parents as such.

I just find that individually I have come to dislike much of my mum's personality whilst simultaneously feeling filial affection and forgiving the impact her bad MH had on my childhood.

Nope love mine. Extremely grateful for them!

@thecatsthecats fair enough, I was speaking generally rather than about any specific person.

I guess I find that MN in general is super quick to judge the generation older than them - without thinking that they'll be the ones being judged in the same way in the not so distant future!

My word what a nasty thread. I wonder how come so many people managed to grow up to be so near perfect when they apparently have such awful parents. I'm pretty sure most of us did our best and still do. It's a shame that now we are older our best just isn't good enough. All our younger adult lives our kids needed all our time and money and now we are old they still do. They still want to rule the roost, be the most important, not want to listen or see our needs. Don't recognise that being old is basically shite, there's very little fun in struggling with the stairs every day or not being able to lift the flower pots in the garden, being tired all the time and struggling to manage everyday life. And for all those saying that doesn't apply, my parents are fit and active, honestly, they probably are anything but, you just don't actually see them struggle, they put on a good show because they don't want to be a burden or admit how hard stuff is. And God forbid we take a holiday, my word how very dare we, we should all be home, waiting to baby sit

So relatable 🥹

Wow, so insightful. No two adults who aren’t under any sort of contract are obligated to even talk to each other, no matter their genetic links, but I doubt that’s what so many elderly people think when they are asking the same children who they refused even the most basic of assistance to when they were more capable to do their shopping, drive them to appointments, manage their finances and do personal care tasks for them. You get out what you put in to adult relationships. If grandparents are capable and close enough to help lighten the load of their adult children and choose not to, they can’t be surprised when their children have no interest in going out of their way for them.

I certainly expect my husband’s brother and his wife, who have enjoyed full time childcare from my in-laws, to be the ones bearing the brunt of the responsibility for them as they age.

I think this is a really good post. I was a child of the 70s when children fit into their parents lives rather than the other way round so I never felt that the world revolved around me.

Now, as a middle aged woman I very much appreciate that my parents lives are/were just as valuable as mine and that their opinions, while maybe different to mine, are not inferior or to be dismissed.

They are/were equally as entitled to live in accordance with their own choices and values as am I.

I don't think I have expressed this very well but just wanted to agree with this post!

I wonder how come so many people managed to grow up to be so near perfect when they apparently have such awful parents

☝️💯💯💯