Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

*batt3nb3rg *So bitter because you had to pay childcare for the kids you decided to have. Unbelievable. And so resentful that your in laws looked after their other grandkids. Perhaps it would improve relations if you asked yourself why.

I love my Dad and I loved my Mum. Although she died two years ago, we weren't close in the last few years of her life. She loved her grandchildren but I think found my DD very headstrong. My parents were staying and DD was about five my told her to take a bath and them went in to supervise her and told her to do this and that, DD snapped and said "dont try to control me like you control Mummy". DM was very upset and it drove a wedge between us. No idea where DD got this from but she has always been very perceptive and my Mum did try to dominate me a lot when I was younger. I could never tell DD what to do and have always had to ask her to show me how she does things.

My mum also didn't like my DH who behaved atrociously a few years back and I confided in DM who never forgave him, even after we sorted our relationship out she couldn't see his good points.

I'm close to my Dad although he has become quite right wing in his old age, for example he was pro-brexit and thinks Trump is refreshing etc. I avoid these subjects with him. Also I find he is quite sexist although he does help more than my more liberal DH and is very good with my kids, even though he is in his eighties he gets down to their level and plays with them, and genuinely loves their company.

I must have given the wrong impression as I certainly don’t desire for my in-laws to raise my children - I don’t have any yet and when I do, they will be cared for by myself alone, not grandparents or 17 year olds earning £4 an hour. I have a very close relationship with my in-laws, call them “Mum” and “Dad”, and think they deserve care and consideration into their old age from their child who they’ve invested so much time into and who lives with them. They won’t be asked by us to have such a hands-on role with our children.

The two sections of my comment were separate, with the first half being a general statement on an attitude I see frequently from grandparents of zero obligation towards others and every right on their children’s time and resources.

70s child here too, my parents weren't perfect, but neither was/am I.

I still appreciate all they did, and tried to do for me, the financial and personal sacrifices they made to make my life better than theirs, their unconditional love when I went through my various asshole stages, how I was always encouraged to be independent and self-sufficient and, a big one in an Ireland that was terrified of both the church and what the neighbours would think, they made it perfectly clear not to be afraid to tell them I was pregnant or in any sort of trouble after the tragic death of Ann Lovett and her newborn baby son.

Yes, they annoyed me at times, and I them, but I miss them both and I only really appreciated all of the above after they were gone.

@SSparrowball I'm in Ireland too 🙂

We need to remember that these threads are self selective, they will attract comments from those who don't like their parents. At the end of the day some people just aren't very nice, and some of these people will be parents and/or older people. Some people will have unpleasant parents because there are some unpleasant people.

100%.

We can only comment on our own parents, and some people aren't good at parenting, some children are entitled etc.

I don't have children, but a similar thread from the perspective of parents would be interesting.

This is ridiculous 😒 old age is certainly not cushy. It's awful getting closer and closer to death and all your lovely friends dying. Your parents are dead, your brothers and sisters dying. Knowing you've not got much longer left.

If you dont have the comfort of religious beliefs thrn you are heading for endless oblivion.

Show some compassion.

Also if I could bring my mum back I 💯 percent would. Although she was a worrier she was also a great mum, not just to me but to lots of other people, when she died, there were loads of people at her funeral and people messaged fom everywhere telling me great things about her kindness.

I always remember my dad being really intolerant to my nana who I loved dearly. And she said to me "he'll be old one day, and it comes around sooner than you think" sure enough he's now also dead. Just try to get along with your loved ones whilst you are alive if you can. You'll miss them when they're gone.

You absolutely do not have to care for them or put yourself out though. You owe them nothing.

My dad is difficult as he's a drinker and VERY moody/negative. He's old so I try to be patient as I know I'll miss him when he's gone. But he is very hard work and it takes its toll.

Well I think it depends. My child won’t be able to complain that they were parentified and party to intimate details of my relationship with her father. She won’t have heard me make a comment about the size of her father’s penis and I won’t have told her as a little child that I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for her. I won’t have left her alone in an insecure apartment at night whilst I was in the bar on holiday when she was 11 resulting in a man getting in and attacking her. I could go on.

My parents were and are loving, lovely people. They weren't perfect because noone is. They were/are products of their own upbringings and eras and personalities. Now they're older they're a bit more fussy but I still love & like them.
I really hope my kids aren't like some of the people on this thread! I love them and try my best but I know I make mistakes all the time

My dad is amazing. He's in his eighties and doesn't complain to me or lean on me. The only thing is he hasn't a clue about his finances and I have to run around sorting things out. But not overspending, more like accounts everywhere he can't keep track of. Luckily he doesn't do the internet.

We lost my mum when she was 56. I think she would have been the slightly more difficult elderly person but I'll never know. She left me her elderly mother to look out for, who outlived her by ten years. She was mostly great, she had her moments but I loved looking after her.

I haven't liked my parents for years. They are rude. Anti everyone. Racist. Ableist. Sexist. Controlling. Anxious. Disinterested.

It has got much worse with age.

It's very sad but I'd rather move overseas than have to look after them as they get older.

It is a shame. However. They have not put the effort in. Making sacrifices whilst I was small is one thing. Spending Excessive Money during my teens does not make up for a lack of interest In the rest of my life, or my kids lives. Or my siblings lives.

And sadly my siblings and their spouses have settled on the same conclusion.

There was a time I made a huge effort. And encouraged everyone else to do so too - siblings and spouses.

However. Feels like it was wasted.

And. So. I don't feel guilty now when I don't see them. When I decide to visit the county they live in to see a mate but don't see them. When I actively decide to go away over a major holiday and to not host them.

Enough time has passed now for me to not want to waste any more time nor money on the relationship.

Do I detect a hint of bitterness?

No doubt all those so critical of the parents with so many faults, will spare the time to be at the will reading!

What a rude little girl. Perceptive indeed. I’d be ashamed if one of my kids had spoken to their grandmother like that.

Do you think it’s compulsory to like someone just because they may leave you something in their will?

It isn’t. Plus lots of people commenting on here have confided that they love their parents they just don’t like them very much as people because they are racist/ homophobic/alcoholic/narcissistic … the list goes on.

I think this is pretty accurate. Children see their parents as powerful and infallible. As we age we realise they’ve no more got a grip on life than we have. We see them as real people. And people have flaws.

If you have a strong relationship with them, you can progress to forgiving their faults and maintaining the connection. If you don’t, you can’t.

Mine is grumpy and finding life hard. I’ve had to realise that they did their best, just like I’m doing my best, and sometimes they (like I) fall short. They have always tried to help me, and now I’m having to turn and give back as they age and become more needy. I think it’s the natural way of things.

And no, I don’t always agree with them on politics, culture, etc. but I also believe people are a product of their time and of their hardships, and as I age I feel less inclined to judge. If I don’t like the way something is going, I’m perfectly capable of pushing back or redirecting.

mine doesn’t have a will as that’s admin and, unless she can outsource it to her pa (me) it doesn’t get done.

That’s a reflection on how they were brought up perhaps? I’d look at how you parented them.

I dislike my mum very much, and she shows absolutely no interest in me or my life.

But she hasn't done anything 'bad' enough to merit going NC, even though I feel I have no gain from her being in my life. So I minimise the calls and visits where she just talks at me about all the people who have wronged her, and where she never once asks how I am.

I find the self-absorption fascinating but she won't change.

What I find most interesting about this thread is that everyone seems incredibly confident that their children won't feel the same way about them in thirty years time.

How do you know that you're not making just as many mistakes as your parents did? How do you know that the way you're parenting won't be seen as awful or cruel or nasty when your kids are all grown up?