Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

it is no consolation OP but my parents were just like yours and I had a further 40 years of it (they lived to their mid-90’s) plus FOG on top of my mother’s disapproval of just about everything I did.
I wish I’d had the guts to go NC many years ago; perhaps I would have better self esteem if I had 🤷🏼‍♀️

I hope all the gifts you give them are under a tenner!

I hear you. I feel just the same. Mine have gone. How I love them. I kiss their things sometimes, or play songs they liked. I say, 'this is for you Dad, or 'this for you Mum'.

Oldies don’t have to be negative or racist etc that is a choice. My grandparents had many health issues but were always thoughtful and kind. I’m going to try very hard to be like them

Could do. Its so common for people to judge their parents and hold them responsible for life's disappointments it's at least a possibility.

This but I don't love them as parents and now they've retired they are nearly impossible to be around. One needs a hearing aid but won't wear one and the other repeats everything they say over and over again.

My DM hasn't changed as she's got older but it's only now that I realise how damaging her behaviour has been and continues to be. I'm much more resilient to it now but it's taken me 40 years to get there.

For example, she has twice (in the last week) given me clothes that are clearly going to be too big for me with a comment that she 'hopes they'll fit and won't be too small'. She says this despite knowing that I struggled with anorexia for most of my adult life including a relapse about 6 months ago.

This is such a sad thread to read and makes me realise how lucky I was with my parents.

I think the opposite happened with me and when I was younger I thought they were unreasonable/too strict but as I and they got older I could see why they acted as they did.

Yes my Dad probably had some views which would be regarded as unacceptable now but he was of his time (born in the 1920s) and would never ram them down people's throats or be unkind to anyone.

They're both dead now and I miss them all the time.

My parents are dead but my DCs can be bloody irritating at time and I dare say I’ll continue to think that. Happiness a walk by myself with the dog.

Exactly the same.

Definitely as I've got older I see the flaws more, and how they have let me down in some ways.
Since retirement my dad has definitely turned into a grumpy old man who lives in some form of echo chamber and it turning into a conspiracy theorist which is hard to hear (reform voter, covid denier- well until he caught it, climate change denier etc). My mum seems the just live in the past and constantly regales us with stories how her youth, or stories of other family members. We've heard the stories a hundred times already but she still repeats them as often as possible. Doesn't sound too much of a problem but it over takes every conversation, like when dd was starting university and we wanted to talk about her experience my dmum would always turn the conversation whenever possible back to her days at uni repeating the same stories. Every single time. And I realised last year, when going through a really shit time, they are incredibly supportive and immediately had the dc, dropped things for me, they were there, but what I really wanted was a hug and I realised I cannot remember a single time my parents have hugged me, or told me they love me. They are very un affectionate. Always there for me on a practical level, but emotionally not.
I love my parents, but I certainly do not want to grow up to be like them. In fact I try my hardest to be very different with my dc and I think that probably says a lot

They’re probably thinking of the cost they spend on you/partner and kids, maybe they spend more overall and are just trying to be proportional. I have 1 child but like a zillion neices/nephews so I’ve always paid out a lot more.

What a bitchy and horrid thread. Ok, understandable if your parents were physically or mentally cruel to you as a kid, you don't have to love them as an adult
But everyone else? How do you think they would feel if they knew what you had been writing anoit them on a public forum? Heartbreaking
You are in for a fucking big shock when your kids grow up, even if you think you are not going to be like your parents.
If only I could live another 30 years to read what they are saying about you

After the election I found out that my mum voted Reform 🤢 I didn't know what to say to her.

I'm so hurt that my dad was abusive and my mom enabled him and even told him to hit me where 'it wouldn't show'.
And now she says 'if I go first you will have your work cut out looking after him!'

I don't bloody think so!!!!!!!

Growing up I’ve now realised mine are awful.

My mum is an alcoholic and so very negative. They’re both homophobic, racist and narrow minded.

They couldn’t give a monkeys about their grandkids and make very little effort. I wish I had someone else’s parents! Very jealous of my friends who have lovely parents.

Same here. And it isn't just me who feels like this because my brother feels the same about them. Emotionally they just haven't been there, and my mum in particular has pushed her unresolved mental health issues onto us

My mum is also alcohol dependent, possibly an alcoholic, I’m not sure where the line is. It was something unspoken or not understood or thought about, just our normality. I’ve come to understand that there was a lot of indifference to me. I learned to be independent very early which meant she didn’t offer support for much and I didn’t ask for it. My tolerance for her, the drinking, all of it started to ebb away about 20 years ago and I get irritable in her company now so I limit it to 48 hours max (she lives 300 miles away). Like the poster above said, if she wasn’t my mum I wouldn’t choose to spend time with her.

Spending lots of time with DM at present mid 70s and I think anxiety is increasing and everything is slowing, not helped by doing everything online. It can get hard to handle and is frustrating in large doses. Her anxiety was always bad but now it is through the roof. She can be negative and draining and is hard to take. I love her and dread her not being around but still need to have clear boundaries to manage it while she is.

My DSis and DF don’t like v much. We just don’t have anything in common and have v different perspectives. We’ve always had v difficult relationships in our family snd maybe you just become more realistic about each other as you get older and accept it for what it is and feel peaceful about it.

I do think the anxiety etc is going to heighten for most of us as we age and I really do hope I stay positive though and fun.

I have my mother in law, so very grateful to have her. 85 and a peach and a hoot, open to the world around her and trying new things. She’s my old lady goals.

From the other side point of view! I dislike certain things one of my DDs believes in ( hint -she calls me a TERF)and there are issues she refuses to engage about with me and I find her attitude a PITA, tbh.

OP, why does it "go without saying" that you love your parents? It's really not automatic at all. And in my experience, dislike can certainly intensify over many, many years.
They are just people - as we all are - so absolutely no guarantees that everyone will like each other or get on well.

I'm early 30s and parents late 50s. I still love my mum as much as I ever did, perhaps even more so now as having children of my own made me realise how much she sacrificed for us. Of course she wasn't perfect, no one is, but I really hope I'm as a good a mum as she was and still is.
My relationship with my dad is odd. He was a very angry aggressive dad and truth be told, we hated it when he was around. He has mellowed, but he's a grumpy, slightly racist negative man now who is quite hard work to be around sometimes. I still love him though.
They're both amazing grandparents and I know I'm extremely fortunate to have such great support.

My parents hit a low point today, where they offered my child £350 a month for uni. Then caveated it with only if he didn’t take a student loan and he could work 20 hours per week for the extra money, so no longer needing said loan. Because any loan is BAD. Forgetting the fact their maths is batshit mental, they don’t understand minimum wage, shifts, uni schedules etc. they’ve also forgot the whole, y’know, people want to make friends, socialise and need money for that….

None of which makes sense (obviously). And caused an almighty row because I’m being unfair (for saying they’re crazy and to butt out) and why is paternal grandmother allowed to contribute without me making a fuss (hint: she offered him money, no strings attached, just direct debit already set up.)

That's just awful, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You should just refuse to take the clothes and don't entertain this behaviour.