Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

@notnorman that's so sad , I'm sorry.😞

That must be so difficult to remember, I hope you're happier now.

Nope, I always liked my parents right up until their deaths. Sometimes they annoyed me a little, but I'm sure I also annoyed them at times. However, they weren't grumpy and didn't have a negative outlook on life.

Thank goodness greykoala I’m now the old parent. 😳 I hope I can be like my mum - kind, accepting, full of fun and love. She drove my brother nuts because he thought she was nagging him, I just saw it as being caring enough to be concerned.
I think you have it right greykoala sometimes they annoy us a bit but, it’s a suprise to realize something’s we annoy them a bit too. I think it’s hard to see them as real after loving them so much as kids.
i think we say they need to be less judgy , but maybe we need to be less judgy too. They ar who they are and they e had a very different upbringing. My dad was horrendously poor and worked hard for us, then found it difficult that we didn’t realize how lucky we were.
I also think this horrendous social media trend to go no contact at the drop of a hat is frightening for us all.

When I was a child I loved my parents.

As a young middle aged adult I disliked lots of things about them and they drove me mad . I wouldn't have always chosen to spend time with them

Dad was a child all his life in many ways, ofen angry, selfish and petty and as a teen I sometimes thought I wouldn't be sad if he died as I found him so distant and difficult.

He was also a brilliant story teller, often had us in fits of laughter , worked hard for us, was loyal to his family and very sociable and in the end I knew he loved us. That much was evident when my sister died at 30. He had a very traumatic poor childhood and that effect on his parenting was very clear

My mum was negative in nature moaned a lot and could often play the martyr at home and was sometimes critical . She also loved us and her grandchildren fiercely and was very much someone who others were drawn to so had a wide circle of friends outside the family

When they got very old and frail I helped look after them and support them as well as I could, often from a sense of duty rather than love and sometimes resented that and was often exhausted

They were both human beings who I had no choice but to spend a lot of my life with. They were frustrating and annoying and often selfish but also sometimes loving and pretty loyal.

In many ways I don't think I had a great childhood but at 60 I also don't wish I had had different parents. I clearly see that they were doing their best and that they did love us as much as they were able . It took a long time to see that though , to really feel it . I was in my mid 40s before I could see that

At the very end of their lives I was very sad they had died and still miss things about them now , years after they both died

Make of that what you will

That sounds awful for you. I am sorry you had to go through that. That is way way beyond the normal foibles of human behaviour. I too hope you are happier now.

I think this is common, and across generations too - I remember my grandmother complaining her parents were old fashioned and too strict, and she done better with her kids. Separately, my mum said the same about her parents, and now I think the same about mine.

I'm sure my kids and yours will come to loathe us in time, and see us as annoying irrelevances, blocking them from their inheritances and contributing nothing of value to anyone, having given them horrendous childhoods. Twas ever thus.

The two things could be connected - one repeating the same old shit and the other one keeping their hearing aid turned off.

My FIL does exactly the same with his hearing aid and we think it's the only way he can cope with my MIL.

I think I'll start a thread - Anyone disappointed in how their children turned out?

😂

I’m very fortunate as I think my parents are more like you than your parents. They’re separated but they both enjoy life and have prioritised providing for me and my brother - my mum in particular is incredibly selfless. I’m currently trying to encourage her to be more selfish, but I’m pregnant with my first and all she wants to do when she retires is be granny! Thanks for the thread as it makes me realise how bloody lucky I am!

I still like my parents, but in small doses to cope with the negativity and the effort I need to put in to convince them to do anything remotely different.

Some people on this thread have mentioned racism, homophobia, Reform attitudes etc and one-sides ranting about this. Do we just have to smile and put up with this because of their relationship to us?

I remember someone saying to me 'I treated my kids with respect and I got respect back'.

I have very difficult parents who are not respectful of anyone (and certainly not me!)

I realise now that my parents and I were always strangers to each other. Very little in common.

As a teenager my parents were very controlling. Respectability was everything. They were terrified of me getting pregnant out of wedlock. This was taken to the extreme when they once spent a whole day working themselves up into a lather thinking I was pregnant on the evidence of a small piece of cellophane.

After DF died DM became very 'old'. She had retired in her late 50s and all her friends were in their 70s. She became like them, talking about joint replacement and complaining about the 'youth of today'.

Now DM is 85 her world is very small. She repeats the same stories and incidents. I just let it wash over me.

I love my parents. They are flawed and of course, there are things I wouldn't do that they did but they are kind, generous and tolerant. They love their grand children.
In other words, their good outweighs any negatives twofold.

They absolutely will.

There is always a huge lack of insight on these threads. People assure themselves that previous generations were all clueless but now we have finally arrived at the correct way to parent, we will all have amazing relationships with our children, who will fully recognise what perfect parents we were and continue to be.

The truth is in another 25 years social views will have moved on just as much, our children will be just as dismissive of our opinions and the way we do things, and full of recriminations about their childhood.

I think it is normal as one gets older to become more hesitant, less trusting. Our reactions slow and we become more vulnerable.

Some people react to this by becoming angry and bitter. I see this in my early 60s DB. He retired early and is now angry that nobody is that interested in his opinions. When working he had to temper what he said. Now he lives in an echo chamber.

I like my mum. She’s good company. I think we are lucky that our views align on most things and we don’t get on each others nerves.There was a period of time when I was a child that she wasn’t a very good mum but I’ve just had to move past that.

No - if anything, I get on better with my parents now.

I totally agree @TheYearOfSmallThings - absolutely nobody is perfect and the views we think are normal now will probably be considered hugely offensive and outdated by the time we're our parents' age.

It makes me quite sad to think that so many people think so little of their parents.

If they don’t want to babysit, don’t ask them. They are not under any obligation to mind your kids. You sound entitled.

How on earth is it entitled to think it would be good if gps could babysit on the odd occasion?

I’m in my 50s and I’m sure my kids (and those of my friends) will not like: the amount of alcohol we drank, our numerous cars, our wealth compared to them, what we did to the climate etc And we will probably deserve it!

What a sad thread. I loved, and liked, my parents till the day they died - both in their 90s, I was very lucky.
Of course I didn't agree with all their views, and they didn't always agree with mine, but I knew they always did their best for my sister and me.
I also hope my sons still like me! I am 69, a widow, and they all still visit me and invite me to join family occasions, so I think they do!

It is normal to get more anxious as you get older though.

I think it’s a sad thread too. Mainly because some people are displaying such a lack of empathy they can’t understand that some people suffered bad childhoods and thus understandably have difficulty relationships with their aging parents.

If you’re someone who has a good relationship with your elderly parents then lucky you! They probably did provide a loving home for you growing up & were a support to you when you had young children. But not everyone is so fortunate.

@bumblingbovine49 I think your post highlights the complexities of parent/child relationships.