Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

How many of your parents would now be classed as ND? Would that change your opinions of them?

You can’t choose your family, they are what they are, and most us will miss them when they’ve gone.

Why do people also think that their parents should spend their money on them or the GC?

I only replied to you because you replied to me.

You seemed to be questioning my original post saying it's sad that some people lack the empathy to understand that when someone dislikes an elderly parent there is normally a very good reason for it.

It's not just a lack of empathy towards someone raised in different times. That leads to irritation between the generations (which is normal) but not to an active dislike of a parent.

my mum in particular has pushed her unresolved mental health issues onto us

General comment there rather than to the OP
Im very uncomfortable about this attitude nowadays to say that they ‘have pushed their own trauma onto us’ or ‘they didn’t protect us like they should have done’ etc…
Generational trauma is a thing. It’s not easy to heal from it and it’s also totally possible not to heal from it in time so that we don’t hurt/transmit that trauma to our own dcs.
So unless someone has done a lot of therapy before becoming a parent, and has continued to do each time they’ve encountered a stumbling block, I’d be very careful of a Holier than thou attitude.
Because I’m pretty sure all of our dcs have something to say about the way we parented them.

I feel like my outlook on my parents changed a lot after I had my daughter

But I do still enjoy their company and love them, I don't agree with some of their parenting choices

So, no, I don't like my parents and will absolutely not excuse their behaviour because they grew up in a different time. So did I and I am capable of self reflection when necessary.

But your children could feel exactly the same way about you in thirty years time. We all like to think we do better and learn from past mistakes but we could just as easily be making our own mistakes and causing different problems for our own children.

I don’t dislike my parents, or my PIL but they all do something that really irritates me.

They basically go the doctor once a week, each.

They are all late 70’s, early 80’s, never done any exercise and eat crap. However, fortunately, not one of the has ever had anything nasty wrong with them. That said, every time we speak to them the conversation is 75% about their ailments.

How they’ve got a pain in their shoulder. They went to the doctor and insisted they sent them for X-ray/mri/ to see a consultant at the hospital. Then it goes on for months at the GP and hospital but then the pain miraculously goes away on its own……like other people half their age.

Or, someone’s got a cold. They go to the GP. They get upset if told it’s quite normal at their age to have aches and pains. They “insist” they are referred and write letters of complaint if they don’t.

It’s every twinge, every mole, every pain and every cold. I walked in on my DH talking to one of them about their latest ailment and I just walked out. I just can’t take it. It’s boring. Also, the NHS is on its knees, we should only be using it for serious ailments. Not ones that you can fix with a trip to Boots.

I’m obviously in a minority as my mum is great. Dad passed away over a decade ago now.

Obviously as I grew I saw their flaws and failings, as I am aware of mine and those of others around me. But I also see their generosity, their sacrifice in how they supported me as I grew up, and their maturity when they divorced in keeping their personal animosity away from me and my brother.

No one can be a perfect parent, that doesn’t exist, but mine were supportive, kind, and generous with what they had. Those traits are still there in my mum as she ages. She is still warm and involved in our life and before my dad died he was the same. Just a constant and kind presence.

My in laws are the same. Good people doing their best and doing it with kindness.

They are all slowing down, but other than time management to deal with all the faffing, they are all decent people who I am glad are part of our lives and who I like.

But not everyone who voted reform are racists. You, in judging your mum, are assuming and generalising.
Treat her as an individual and you’ll probably find out that there’s one specific part of Reform’s policy she liked and that’s why she voted for them.
Also, she might just be naive to the connotations associated with Reform. Does she read the papers, use a lot of Social Media?

Possibly, but like I said, I am capable of self reflection and if it all goes to shit with my own children that is my cross to bear.

This is so true for a lot of people - though my DF refuses steadfastly to go. Even after a Hip replacement, he walked out of the hospital the next day because he didn’t want to be anywhere near it!

I agree. Children learn by example and will pick up on these parents' attitudes, entitlement and disrespect.

@Twiglets1 we'll have to agree to disagree.

I do think a lack of empathy can lead to a total dislike of a person, easily. I see it on threads on here all the time.

@sunsetsandboardwalks I can see that my parents were very much the product of their own childhoods and early adulthoods.

DF was a teenager during the war in a shipyard town which was very heavily bombed. Just post war he went to sea and spent almost all his time on the far side of the world. It was end of empire with a lot of 1930s attitudes.

DM grew up in a very rural area and effectively went into service (college servant) when she finished school. 1930s again.

For both respectability and education were everything. My strong memories are of telling them nothing about my life, not talking with them to avoid disapproval.

It was a bit of a shock when I did the maths and realised that DM was pregnant with eldest DB when they got married. They were hypocrits. I had been roundly told off for sleeping with my boyfriend at the age of 20!

Possibly, but like I said, I am capable of self reflection and if it all goes to shit with my own children that is my cross to bear.

And it's very likely that your parents felt the same way.

I think, in some cases, it's just that as a child you love them unconditionally and don't have enough experience of the world to see their flaws. As you grow up you start to see the flaws and judge them (perhaps too harshly) for that as you are disappointed at realising they are not actually 'perfect'.

When you really grow up and they are growing old, you accept that they are human, flawed like any other, but appreciate and love them for who they are and not for who you saw them as when you were a young child.

For me anyway, this is the case. I accept they had flaws as I have mine. My darling dad passed away 2 years ago and I think, I hope, I showed him how much I loved him before he went. My mum is in her 80s now and we have become, in the last few years, closer than we had been in decades. We used to rub each other up the wrong way for decades but we have both mellowed and I can honestly say now that I truly love and like and admire her as a person and truly enjoy each others company. I respect her strength in getting on with life without dad and honestly did not expect her to cope as well as she has done.

I know many people have abusive parents which makes things completely different. This was absolutely not the case in my situation.

I think being a good parent largely depends on the child you get.
I had 2 children and they were chalk and cheese.
One was easygoing, happy and we got on very well and one was awkward, defiant, never happy and very hard to parent.
I have never had a favourite child but I certainly had an easier child and that child was a joy to bring up, thinks I was a lovely mum and we've always been very close.
My other child is still hard work, we're not close and they say horrible things to me so I don't think it's all about how good a parent you are, you can only work with what you get and some children make being a parent hard work.

I was orphaned as a teenager. Reading this thread, I think people have totally unrealistic expectations of their parents. I’m not talking about overt mistreatment but people who can be a bit irritating. No one is perfect and surely we accept people with their flaws and qualities just as we accept our own children. I’d be very upset if I thought my kids were discussing on social media how annoying I am, how I’ve gone more anxious in my older age, their opinions on my purchases and my points of view. Would people go on a thread and have a bitchfest about their friends?

I love my mum and dad as parents, however as they have grown older I’ve found I can tolerate them less because of their beliefs.

They are inherently racist to the point I just down conversations as soon as we meet up.

I can predict conversations about “stopping the boats” or “immigrants taking our jobs” will pass through one of their mouths. I guess it started with the brexit malarkey. My mum is obsessed with making Britain great again, to the extent last time we met up she told me that she thought Tommy Robinson had the right beliefs. I just shut down conversation now as it gets heated. It’s sad though as I don’t enjoy spending time with them like I used to do.

I could have written this .
I am pretty confident that my children ,who are adults now appreciate us and the loving support we have given them.
Thankfully they are not entitled twats who think the world revolves just around them and their children !

Happy to agree to disagree

Excellent post, I fully agree.

I sometimes think the same when people are complaining about their parents or in-laws wanting support in their old age and saying "oh, I will never expect anything from my children when I get old", "I tell them to just throw me in a home", "I will head to Switzerland so I'm not a burden to anyone" etc etc.

It's correct of course that grown children should be allowed to live their lives unencumbered by elderly parents however I have seen attitudes change as old age takes hold along with failing health, anxiety resulting from health issues and falls, general frailty and growing fear at what is ahead - even the most strident "I will never ask my children for anything" parent can succumb, even a little, with time, with no mal intent at all.

A parent who states with confidence they expect nothing from their grown children may well feel differently at 85 to when they are in their 40s or 50s.

Well yes actually people do go on Mumsnet threads all the time to bitch about their friends- and their partners and even their children sometimes. We’re allowed to let off steam on anonymous forums.

@TorroFerney

"And maybe they won’t - such a stupid argument that someone with a complete lack of critical thinking posts.

op you are not wrong, unfortunately there’s no test to become a parent. World would be a better place if there was."

Wow @StarryDance must have touched a nerve saying "

I think the point of their comment was that we cannot control the feelings and opinions of other people even children. You could do your upmost and it will still be their own interpretation which impacts your future relationship with them. I do think a lot of people cannot compute that the views they have of their parents may be the views their own children have of them in future. Also, the way their children see the parents treat their grandparents is basically socialising them into how they will treat their parents in future years.

I can almost guarantee that your difficult child is on Mumsnet complaining about how they were the scapegoat and their siblings was the golden child, and with no insight into what they were like to parent.

But yes, the truth is some children are likeable and easy to enjoy whereas others are charmless and resentful. Most are somewhere in the middle.

I think as children you believe everything they say . As you get older you question and begin to realise they were not always right and also made mistakes.