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Original poster

Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

214 replies

pinklite · 13/08/2024 14:56

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

OP posts:
JamSandle · 15/08/2024 07:29

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 07:20

What I find most interesting about this thread is that everyone seems incredibly confident that their children won't feel the same way about them in thirty years time.

How do you know that you're not making just as many mistakes as your parents did? How do you know that the way you're parenting won't be seen as awful or cruel or nasty when your kids are all grown up?

I dont have kids but it seems lots of people don't like someone in their family so I wouldn't be surprised if I had a kid who ended up not liking me for whatever reason.

mrssunshinexxx · 15/08/2024 07:39

I'm trying to do the opposite @sunsetsandboardwalks and not make the same 'mistakes ' as I see them. My childhood was good it's adulthood where it's all gone wrong

mrssunshinexxx · 15/08/2024 07:40

@sillylittlerabbit for what it's worth, that is enough of a reason. She adds nothing positive to your life, only negative and you see her as a drain.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
sillylittlerabbit · 15/08/2024 07:41

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 07:20

What I find most interesting about this thread is that everyone seems incredibly confident that their children won't feel the same way about them in thirty years time.

How do you know that you're not making just as many mistakes as your parents did? How do you know that the way you're parenting won't be seen as awful or cruel or nasty when your kids are all grown up?

I mean, one of the reasons I haven't had kids is because I didn't feel I was modelled a loving childhood, so why would I pass that on to another generation...

upinaballoon · 15/08/2024 07:51

The counsellor said, "They didn't do that bad a job bringing you up, did they?"

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 07:51

mrssunshinexxx · 15/08/2024 07:39

I'm trying to do the opposite @sunsetsandboardwalks and not make the same 'mistakes ' as I see them. My childhood was good it's adulthood where it's all gone wrong

I guess my point was that most people don't set out to deliberately be bad parents - so while you might feel you learn from your parents' mistakes, what's to say you're not making different ones?

Fanshittheshit · 15/08/2024 07:55

StarryDance · 13/08/2024 15:18

Maybe your own kids will feel the same about you one day.

Exactly. Being a parent is hard. Having ungrateful adult kids is hard. You'll regret the negativity when they are no longer around.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 07:56

@JamSandle that's quite a pragmatic view - I personally don't know any family that doesn't have issues between parents and children, so I just find it interesting that so many posters are quick to dismiss their parents without thinking that they'll be in the same position down the line...

XitStratagy · 15/08/2024 08:02

I think it's as an adult the relationship broke down.
My childhood was typical of the area I grew up in.
My teen years were rocky, not that I did anything bad but in 1990 they were nostalgic for their own teen years and values. My teens are definitely living in 2024 and we're there to help them embrace and navigate what that means.
In my 20s & 30s my parents were jealous and insecure of my life, what their neighbours might say. Planning our wedding highlighted this and what should have been adults working together actually was the start of the gulf.
25 years on, the only comment my mum made was 'its too hot today, just like your wedding'
My refusal to be unhappy at work is somehow critical of her unhappy years working.

I'm there to support and help but we have all wasted the chance to have a proper adult relationship over 30 years. We have shabby, dutiful, shallow contact and I occasionally express my disappointment on anonymous internet forums.

Twiglets1 · 15/08/2024 08:19

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 07:51

I guess my point was that most people don't set out to deliberately be bad parents - so while you might feel you learn from your parents' mistakes, what's to say you're not making different ones?

Show quote history

Nothing ... we probably are making our own mistakes.

But so far my adult children seem to like me a lot. They like my husband a lot too but agree with us that his mother is a PITA who he loves but does not like.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 08:33

Oh I'm not saying it's a guarantee that people posting on here will have kids who hate them down the line @Twiglets1.

Just that some of the posts seem quite confident that their way is the best - but I'm just guessing their parents probably felt the same way too.

mrssunshinexxx · 15/08/2024 08:52

Who knows @sunsetsandboardwalks I'd like to think the trauma I've experienced as an adult will stop that. And the amazing role model I had as a mother throughout my childhood with the traits I follow/ copy will ensure happy thriving secure children and adults it's also my main goal in life to be a great mum that my children as adults want to be around so it's very important to me to get it right I don't think all parents see being mum/ dad like that

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/08/2024 09:02

I guess the issue is that every generation has a different idea of what it means to be a good parent.

I'd wager that much of what we complain about from our childhoods will have been seen as perfectly normal by our parents, and so it's equally likely that what we see as great parenting will be frowned upon by our adult children in years to come.

JamSandle · 15/08/2024 09:20

One thing that drives me mad about my dad is I'm 9 stone and he keeps talking about my weight. Drives me mad!

User8646382 · 15/08/2024 10:05

TorroFerney · 15/08/2024 06:57

That’s a reflection on how they were brought up perhaps? I’d look at how you parented them.

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That’s a very good point and one that I think about a lot when I read comments on this forum.

Children, particularly in the UK, from the 1990s onwards, were cosseted and indulged like no other generation before them. That is absolutely the fault of my generation and the generation before mine, who grew up with nothing and wanted their children to have more of everything. It was wrong and it has created two, now three, generations of self-centred, self-obsessed spoilt brats, who have no ability to cope in the real world, understand the word ‘no’ or tolerate any viewpoints, however reasonable, that don’t align with their own.

I am quite sure that many (perhaps the majority) of parents who had children in the 1990s, look at them now and think, “God, I wish I’d been a bit less indulgent. I really dislike my own children - they’re horrible.” But they don’t say it. Why? Because they were brought up to keep such thoughts to themselves.

Mainats · 15/08/2024 10:19

TorroFerney · 15/08/2024 06:57

That’s a reflection on how they were brought up perhaps? I’d look at how you parented them.

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It was parody, sweetie. Not real life.

Twiglets1 · 15/08/2024 10:47

User8646382 · 15/08/2024 10:05

That’s a very good point and one that I think about a lot when I read comments on this forum.

Children, particularly in the UK, from the 1990s onwards, were cosseted and indulged like no other generation before them. That is absolutely the fault of my generation and the generation before mine, who grew up with nothing and wanted their children to have more of everything. It was wrong and it has created two, now three, generations of self-centred, self-obsessed spoilt brats, who have no ability to cope in the real world, understand the word ‘no’ or tolerate any viewpoints, however reasonable, that don’t align with their own.

I am quite sure that many (perhaps the majority) of parents who had children in the 1990s, look at them now and think, “God, I wish I’d been a bit less indulgent. I really dislike my own children - they’re horrible.” But they don’t say it. Why? Because they were brought up to keep such thoughts to themselves.

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Speak for yourself! I had 2 children in the 90s and didn’t cosset or indulge them (much) and definitely don’t dislike them!

HesterRoon · 15/08/2024 11:13

User8646382 · 15/08/2024 10:05

That’s a very good point and one that I think about a lot when I read comments on this forum.

Children, particularly in the UK, from the 1990s onwards, were cosseted and indulged like no other generation before them. That is absolutely the fault of my generation and the generation before mine, who grew up with nothing and wanted their children to have more of everything. It was wrong and it has created two, now three, generations of self-centred, self-obsessed spoilt brats, who have no ability to cope in the real world, understand the word ‘no’ or tolerate any viewpoints, however reasonable, that don’t align with their own.

I am quite sure that many (perhaps the majority) of parents who had children in the 1990s, look at them now and think, “God, I wish I’d been a bit less indulgent. I really dislike my own children - they’re horrible.” But they don’t say it. Why? Because they were brought up to keep such thoughts to themselves.

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I had my kids in the nineties and they weren’t spoiled. I was orphaned young and my main priority, morbid as it might be, was to ensure they grew up independent and could manage life if I were not around any more. I encouraged them to sort out their own problems themselves. To be true to themselves-so even though my dd and I disagree about some things, she does what she wants and if important to her not me. My son tells me although he loves me, he could never live at home again-too many rules! Fair enough, I’m glad he can be so open. Neither are entitled. But I love spending time with them and hearing what’s going on in their lives. To be able to help them sometimes as financially, life can be hard as a young person. I think they are great people.

Bignanna · 15/08/2024 14:03

Twiglets1 · 15/08/2024 06:43

Do you think it’s compulsory to like someone just because they may leave you something in their will?

It isn’t. Plus lots of people commenting on here have confided that they love their parents they just don’t like them very much as people because they are racist/ homophobic/alcoholic/narcissistic … the list goes on.

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Definitely not, but these people who hate their parents are not going to refuse an inheritance they. Perhaps they’ll give it all to charity , as they couldn’t possibly accept an inheritance from those so full of faults they had disliked for so many years!

Fluufer · 15/08/2024 14:30

Bignanna · 15/08/2024 14:03

Definitely not, but these people who hate their parents are not going to refuse an inheritance they. Perhaps they’ll give it all to charity , as they couldn’t possibly accept an inheritance from those so full of faults they had disliked for so many years!

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Why should refuse I refuse any inheritance? I don't particularly like my mother, she's a very difficult person, but I still love her, speak to her, see her. Presumably if I treat her awfully she won't leave me anything anyway.
On the flip side, I'm sure she'll somehow bring herself to accept my help when she's elderly, despite me being such a great disappointment.

Twiglets1 · 15/08/2024 14:40

Bignanna · 15/08/2024 14:03

Definitely not, but these people who hate their parents are not going to refuse an inheritance they. Perhaps they’ll give it all to charity , as they couldn’t possibly accept an inheritance from those so full of faults they had disliked for so many years!

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Why not? It's up to the parent who they leave their money to.

Personally I would never refuse an inheritance as could always give the money to my children if I didn't need it myself.

CurlewKate · 15/08/2024 14:52

Parents are people too. Who knew?

TorroFerney · 15/08/2024 16:12

Mainats · 15/08/2024 10:19

It was parody, sweetie. Not real life.

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Gosh was it, I couldn’t tell.

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 16:16

I had a happy childhood. Then as an adult I went through a period where I saw all their flaws and disliked them. I knew I would never have been friends with them if we were not related. And then I grew older and had a better understanding of why they are as they are. And grew to be fine with them again.
Life is hard. You have to make the best of it you can.

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 16:17

@Bignanna some of us have parents who do not have anything to leave.