Has anybody else started to dislike their parents as they got older?

[pinklite]

I just wanted to post here to see if many others feel/have felt this way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. That obviously goes without saying. But as we become older (I'm nearly 30, they are late 50's) and actually I start to think that I'm not sure I like them as people. I can tolerate being in their company but I don't particularly enjoy it.

They're grumpy, have a very negative outlook on life and some of their views are questionable but that's another matter. They also make little effort with my kids, they expect me to come to them everytime and very rarely come to visit at my house. It not as if we live far from each other either so there is no excuse! If I have to ask them to babysit the children, they often begrudge it, complain and do it reluctantly. I suppose I can understand they want a quiet life, but it's not as though I ask them often.

I'm just not sure how to move forward in this situation. Is it just a case of putting up with them or do I bring it up with them?

“…rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”

It is from Oscar Wilde but is from his play A Woman of No Importance. And the correct version is much more cutting than the gentler ‘sometimes’!

I think you eventually realise your parents are just people. When you’re a child, you think adults must be pretty unflappable and that they have grown up to behave the ‘right’ way.
I always thought that the ‘child’ you are sort of ends when you become as adult. But I soon realised you become an adult and are still exactly the same as you were as a child, you just know more stuff.
I was shocked that there wasn’t a moment that I became a grown up. Internally I am still that child I was, I’ve just got experience. And my parents are still the children they were, deep down.

I adore my parents, but they are both flawed, as am I.

I remember where I was as a teenager when I looked at my Dad, who I loved, and thought "but I really wouldn't want to be married to him". He wasn't a very good husband. I felt disloyal thinking it. But from my late teens I could definitely see his flaws.

I think my parents should never have got married tbh, they were ill-suited and too young.

My Mum is lovely but gets more and more anxious as she gets older, which is also annoying.

I might not like some aspects but it's due to them being born and raised I a different era, different culture and society expectations and whisky they have moved with the times in some respects on others they haven't but I don't judge then for it.

Just like if I don't agree with their political views I also dont agree with a large section of people either so 🤷

I might choose to live my life how they do e.g. no hobbies, don't go anywhere much, always saving amd they might lecture me a bit about saving etc but it doesn't make what they do wrong or something to not like them for

@Twiglets1 I'd argue that there's also very little empathy towards elderly parents who were raised in a totally different world.

You say about bad childhoods but what about our parents' childhoods and upbringing? There seems to be very little understanding about that.

I read threads on here about parents and often feel like they absolutely cannot win - if they show too much care or involvement then they're controlling and nosy, if they're more relaxed then they're accused of not caring.

I don't want children and these threads make me glad of that. I'd hate to be a parent and be under such intense scrutiny all my life.

Being raised in a dif time isn’t really an excuse for poor behaviour though as we all live ‘now’ too and can open our minds and evolve?

A bit of tension between generations is completely normal and has always occurred. Some of the stories people have shared on here however show they have very valid reasons for disliking the people their parents are, even if they still love them.

It’s not a rule that we have to love our parents & obviously a thread like this is going to highlight that. Most adult children do still like their aged parents as I like mine. But we haven’t had to cope with alcoholism for example or physical abuse/ emotional neglect towards the children we were when dependent on them.

100% this OP.

I've started to see my parents as people and as people, I don't particularly want to spend any time around them. They're selfish and opinionated and actually very rude.

My mother had never really had a conversation with me that has been anything but superficial and my father is becoming increasingly difficult to communicate with. He's become very insular, reading things on the Internet and believing them all,dismissing lifelong friends because of their political views etc.

I have children now and really hate to see how my parents treat them...

You don't see it as a child but as a grown up it's obvious. It makes me kinda sad but does give me hope that I can give my children a different experience.

My mum spent alot of time screaming and asleep on the couch. She was a highly anxious person but covered it with aggression. She was horrific when planning my wedding and made several threats. I went through with it when I didn't want to. She didn't enjoy being a mother. Neither do I alot of the time but I'm not like her.

I couldn't fault my mum she's strong, supportive and loving, generous and my best friend.

However my dad I have seen through, he's always spoken his mind but I now see he's just rude and obnoxious.
He was a functioning alcoholic but has quit in recent years as his health deteriorated, he orders my mum around like she's his carer and takes his frustration of not being so mobile out on her by shouting at her to do the things he can't manage.
I also remember as a child sitting in silence so he could watch tv because if mum or I uttered a word he'd shout shush in annoyance so I spent most of my childhood in my room.
He's also very unsociable, if visitors come he shuts the door so he can hear the tv, he complains to everyone who'll listen and is never happy which he shouts at my mum for, she puts up with it out of obligation because he's our dad.

Mine were very good parents to me but they are not very good grandparents to my children. I find this sad and spend less time with them as a result. They don't seem able to understand why we spend more time with PIL.

My parents would be straight on that, so many reasons.
My successful career only being top 5 rather than top 3 institution, lack of male children, not enough leave (standard amount), staying at home with kids, going to work with kids, housework, garlic in cooking, DH having to cook like a normal person, DH tackling laundry whilst I work away. etc

And that's without the disappointment of my politics, lack of belief in royal family or religion.

My mum never did but she was the sweetest soul and stayed like that.

I don't think anyone is trying to excuse bad behaviour.

I just find it interesting how parents who are struggling with young children at home seem to get endless sympathy, but those whose children have flown the nest are suddenly subject to endless criticism about what a bad job they must have done for their children to hate them so much.

I'm not talking about cases of neglect and abuse, obviously.

@Twiglets1 I wasn't referring to cases where people had neglectful or abusive parents - I would have thought that went without saying.

Why, what’s it got to do with you? It’s an individual’s right to vote how they want to 🤦‍♂️

My granddad was born in 1920 and lived until he was 98. He saw so much change during his lifetime and just rolled with it all ❤️

I now know my mum has chronic fatigue syndrome so have forgiven her but growing up she was always asleep or too tired to do things with us, she never had any energy and couldn't even come up to put us to bed, she'd make promises to take us out in the holidays and then not be up to it.
We basically brought ourselves up while she laid in bed.
My dad worked full time while my mum struggled to get us up and fed.

I also think it's normal to get set in your ways - because you stick to what's familiar and to what you know to be safe.

That's often criticised as being boring or close-minded, or unwilling to provide help or support.

In 30 years time, it could be your kids asking the same about you.

I agree, I don't like my parents as people. They are exceedingly negative, very self absorbed, very judgemental and inflexible. DM has always been moody and DF has dedicated his life to pandering to her, it has only got worse since they retired. I don't choose to spend more than a few hours at a time with them and don't ask for anything.
My MIL is an actual angel from heaven though. FIL is beyond awful.

They are all just fallible people like anyone else.

Exactly.

@Isitovernow123 Because I couldn't believe my parent, who I love dearly, could vote for someone with such horrible views. A party different to mine, sure, my brother votes Labour and I don't but we still get on, but Reform??

She's raised me to be accepting and welcoming towards people from different backgrounds so I can't understand why it suddenly seems like she can't do that herself.

Fuck me.
I won't start, but obviously.
Hit me when I turned 42 yo.
Communist country, abusive bastards,
our so called "silent generation".
Moved to another continent when 24.
Not finished with them yet.

My parents used to love it when I was 'dependable, responsible, a helping hand' when the reality was they used me as childcare for my younger siblings. As soon as I grew up, had my own family and did things differently suddenly I was 'stubborn, stuck up, difficult'

The reality is that because I am trying to parent differently, and by no means perfectly, I am highlighting the shortcomings in their own parenting. All they want to do is push their own agenda with me and my children, which in turn pushes me further away. I don't think they even like us that much as they never bothered with my children unless it was a photo opportunity.

So, no, I don't like my parents and will absolutely not excuse their behaviour because they grew up in a different time. So did I and I am capable of self reflection when necessary.