Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

Yes I do.

Though those who don't want one, your decision I would respect 100%.

Yes of course. The familiar rituals are helpful to the family in the early days IME. I'm Irish though and we're big into funerals.

No, I want a direct cremation.

Why of course? I'm half Irish and can't think of anything worse. Straight to the wake for mine too whilst I'm directly cremated.

I want a natural burial rather than a traditional funeral.

Yes, I've seen posters on here struggle with the choice of their loved ones to have a direct cremation, I'd find it very difficult of someone I loved chose that option. I think it's important to have a ritual to say goodbye. The form that takes doesn't matter to me but I would want something.

No I don't want one but given I'll be dead it won't matter either way. I have explained to my husband that I don't want one and he was upset by it so in the end I said it was up to him. If he wanted a funeral for me then so be it. I think funerals are for the living people. It can help people during the grieving process.

I'd like direct cremation. My dc have asd, I think they'd find it difficult to have a funeral and wake so have said they can do what they want to mark the event not what is expected of them. I have numerous health issues and 3 near death traumatic experiences so we've discussed this.

I genuinely don’t care. I won’t be there or know anything about it, so if my loved ones want to hold a funeral that’s fine, if they don’t that’s also fine. There will be enough money in my estate for whatever arrangements get made.

No, direct cremation for me.

The reason that I said. IMO it's helpful to the family. I don't particularly care from my own perspective obviously. But it wouldn't feel right to send off a loved one without a funeral (not necessarily religious). Funerals are very important in Irish culture, I find them very comforting. I'd want that for my loved ones.

A close relative of mine died last week and had chosen a direct cremation. A lot of the family are struggling without a funeral to focus on.

I respect the tradition of rituals, but I expect if I live to an old age and everyone important to me now lives equally to an old age, they still will have died before me. My thoughts are to make sure I have a will in order, and then cremation, which I'll organise before I grow old, or older. If there is anyone alive who wants to mourne me then they'll have to organise that.

I don't mind what my family chose. I've said my preference would be to be donated to science. I've also said that whatever they decide, I don't want to be pumped full of formaldehyde and preserving stuff that's terrible for the environment. I've also said don't feel the need to bury me and then feel they need/are obliged to 'visit'. After that, it's up to them. I'll be dead.

A funeral is for those still alive, the format it takes though is very much down to your circumstances. A direct funeral but an informal memorial service eg in a hall, pub etc suits many

I don't give a monkey's whether there's a funeral gir me. That's up to whoever's still around.

But I will say, I found the process of planning both my parent's funerals very positive experiences. Remembering events and writing what I wanted to say, and choosing photographs with my brothers was a really lovely way of starting the grieving process. And having the services felt beneficial too. We're not religious so it was nothing to do with that. It just was the last part of their physical existence and it felt important to do it with my family.

I’ve chosen direct cremation. I’ve discussed this with my loved ones and they understand and respect my reasons.

Yes i want a celebration - i have chosen the music. For me it's the ultimate party and I want everyone to leave with a smile on their face. Having said that I'm nearly 60 so feel that I have had a life well lived. Not sure if it's significant but I am a (lapsed) Roman Catholic and feels that feeds into my wishes.

My elderly ML Wants a direct cremation and always has done and wants her ashes scattered in a beautiful place. I'm currently helping her sort her plans.

Either way I suppose I think celebrate what has been. Not sure how that fits with someone who is young and hasn't had a chance a life

A funeral is part of the ritual of grief and mourning following a death. It's a step along the path of acceptance and healing for those left behind. Funerals aren't for the benefit of the dead, they are to help those left behind.

The various rituals associated with funerals allow for the release of powerful emotions. The funeral itself is often a stepping stone towards the future for those grieving, a watershed between the trauma of loss and the acceptance of a new reality.

So I do want a funeral, because I believe it will help my close family.

I've known a couple of people ask to be buried first with or without close relatives around and then had a memorial service in the church with no coffin present. I have to agree that seeing a coffin, or helping carry one, is a traumatic experience. I personally like the idea of dispensing with that part of a service, but hanging on to the rest - a short church service and then tea and sandwiches afterwards.

Funerals are for the living. As in, the people who mourn you get to decide because it's them who will benefit.

This is such a kind post.

I also have ASD and after reading this, I realised that the thing that makes me most anxious about the idea of losing my mother now is that I might have to go to a social event with other people. The rest I have totally made my peace with.

That's a useful thing to realise tbh.

My DH said his DF's funeral being a year after the death was actually really helpful because by then they had recovered a bit and were able to enjoy seeing family. That was a covid lockdown death when funerals were not happening.

Funny how it's our decision really, when it's not us who will be affected by it.

I’m Irish and want direct cremation.

I also don't care. Whatever those left behind want or need. If they need nothing more than the cheapest option, so much the better.