Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

No thanks. Direct cremation for us.

No, I have always hated funerals. I know they are for those left behind but I would rather the money was left to a charity.
I loathe the hypocrisy of "mourners" My Mum died a few months ago at the age of 85. Every time I saw her or spoke to her on the phone she was upset that her neighbours of many years didn't visit her. Yet they were all at her funeral and toasting her passing at the pub wake.

I think I want something natural, in a wood, nothing religious, just with close family. Cheap as possible, then use saved money to go on holiday.

I went to several funerals over COVID, they were all quick with no ceremony. Some cremations, some burials. It was a weird time. But personally the grief is when they actually die, not at an organized ceremony, with platitudes and nonsense. Never visit the crem or the graveyard. Such a waste of money to put them there.

Sorry I thought your main argument was using your industry provided comfort to those in mourning. Watching you lecture and admonish someone about their experience would put me right off the idea of using a freelance celebrant.

I had a family member die young and tragically. Their parent was incredibly difficult to everyone we dealt with regarding funeral arrangements. They complained bitterly. I did my best to mediate all the interactions but I will say that everyone we dealt with showed them incredible grace and understanding. You aren’t representing your industry well here with your petty tit for tat attitude.

I want a direct cremation and people can have a " do" for me if they want ,I don't see the point of money being wasted when I'm dead
Having said that I can imagine if it was a tragic death of a young person/ child ,how a funeral might bring the family comfort.

Hi there

No need to be sorry. I haven't said anywhere that the industry is to provide comfort. My job certainly isn't to provide comfort, it's to write and deliver the ceremony. Comfort comes from the burden of planning it being lifted as a secondary benefit.

By the way, the only type of celebrant is a freelance celebrant, you'll rarely get an in house one, but if you do you then won't have a choice but to use them which tends to make them a bit slacker on the job than a freelance one that has to maintain their work standard. You may get unqualified ones so check they've done the accredited course.

I don't have to represent anything to you or sell anything to you, you're not my client.

You can choose your celebrant but most people get the one they are assigned by the FD. Like I said, I've never had to advertise, and I've only ever had great feedback about how easy i make it for them.

you'll either have a clergy member if you dont want a celebration or have to do it yourself if you don't want a celebrant. A few people try to but can't write a eulogy, committal, or operate the crem software which you have to have an account for, or even know how to run a ceremony from start to finish.

Or you go for direct cremation and have no sendoff.

I didn't lecture them actually if you read it back, they lectured me about "there's no such thing as a cheap funeral"

There definitely is. They just didn't want to be challenged on their opinion based on their experience.

Not my job to represent the funeral directors I'm afraid, they don't need to sell themselves either. They're pretty much a necessity.

Don't need your approval either, I'm quite happy with my work and happy to explain to those who asked how it works without being called names or watching people attempt to make out I've put them off something they barely understand

You can snap as much as you like, I'm used to dealing with people who aren't able to think straight and might need things explaining a few times.

Good luck when it comes for you to make your choices

"You can snap as much as you like, I'm used to dealing with people who aren't able to think straight and might need things explaining a few times."

Like I said, lecturing and condescending.

Don't get huffy, you're having a go for the sake of having a go now.

I really hope you are able to absorb some of the good information on this thread.

Sorry you feel lectured - you can choose not to read any of the information ive given you and go do something else 💁‍♀️

@HeadacheEarthquake funny coming from someone who continued to tag a poster in their clapbacks after the person specifically asked them to stop.

It's a public forum, I'm quite at liberty to respond to comments aimed at me.

OMG, the irony.

It's hopefully a long way off yet, but yes, I think I'd like a funeral where my favourite music is played and people hear about my life. I don't mind whether I'm cremated or not, but I do want to be buried somewhere, with a nice stone. I like the idea of being visited.

Okay, I think you just want an argument

Happy to keep calmly explaining to you whatever you need to accept that PP wasn't attacked and neither have you been.

You're not really contributing anything useful to the discussions about funerals by trying to make this about how much you dislike me, I'm very sorry you don't like my contributions but I really don't care.

Going "don't reply to me" is the first sign that you know you're going to lose a debate

And the irony is that you would probably keep having a go at me if I asked you not to respond to this post. It's not some sort of magic barrier. You post, you take the replies

Best of luck for your future ceremonies should you find yourself planning them

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

The ceremony, however pointless it may feel, is important to grieving properly. When you think humans have been doing it for thousands of years, we must've figured out it was important

The cost is a lot, but I suppose that's what insurance is for

I'm sure you probably know this or someone else has mentioned it

But you can't skip the funeral as the point of it is the official disposal of the body as a legal requirement

Some people have an unattended funeral or direct cremation but there is still a marked funeral in the sense that it takes place, regardless of whether it's attended or not.

All your favourite music sounds nice @MirrorMirror1247 .

Funerals are for those who are left behind.

I don't care what I have.

My children know that what I'd like is a simple cremation, without a lot of fuss. I'll leave a short list of songs/hymns I'd like played, and they can scatter my ashes 'somewhere pretty' (which could be under a rosebush or tree or something).

I have said that they are not to spend silly money on flowers/coffins or whatever, but hopefully I'll have got myself a funeral plan long before then so they won't need to think about it too much.

It helps, I've found, to have something to 'do' during the first few days and weeks following a death, but there is a line between that and making it too complicated for those who are left behind.

@HeadacheEarthquake I now realise I phrased it all wrong. I mean I’d like to skip the crematorium service but have the ‘after party’ where there can still be things said etc, but it’s less expensive and often less oppressive than the more traditional route.

No criticism of those who want different, it’s interesting hearing all the views and reasons,

I've always believed funerals are for the living, not the dead. I want my loved ones to do what feels right and what they can afford, whether that is direct cremation or a massive affair with horse-drawn carriages, is up to them.

The only stipulations I have is that it has to be affordable for everyone. I don't want a theme and people feeling like they have to buy something new to wear that they cannot afford.

Also if they have a funeral they have to play either Burn Baby Burn or This Girl is on Fire as my coffin is going behind the curtain.

That's okay! I didn't know that before I trained, and that a funeral is not the same as a service or ceremony etc

I do believe that more info should be available, maybe at high school in citizenship a module about what happens when someone passes away, or more televised information about the process

I think we as a nation are quite squeamish and therefore can feel pressed spend and assume there aren't alternatives, so I'm glad you have made this thread x

No. All those randoms turning up that I didn't like/hadn't spoken to in years, treating it like a day out with free food and drink puts me off. I've seen too many people do that, I saw it with a very close friend and hate the idea of it. My partner and children agree, so if any of us die, anyone close to us will naturally come together to support each other without the people who aren't really affected that are only there for the wrong reasons.

My mum would have been happy with a direct cremation but we had a small funeral service for her as we needed that 'goodbye' and so did our extended family such as her siblings.

I think for me it'll depend on who is still alive at the point I die. Hopefully I wont outlive my children so it will be up to them to do what is right for them while they are grieving.

I think funerals are pointless and expensive. All the ones I've been to a stranger says a few platitudes, reads a few rushed notes collected from the family, then rushes you out the door for the next one/so they can get home. When my dad died we just shipped him off to the crematorium and when we got the ashes back we took them and everyone else to the pub for lunch.

People say that funerals are for the living but personally, I don't think that they do anything at all to 'help people grieve'. It may make sense if you are very religious, but otherwise I don't see the point in hiring some random stranger to conduct a service and talk about your loved one, when they've never even met them! Bonkers.

I'd rather that the money was spent on something for the living.