Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

I don’t care. Do whatever you want I’m dead!

I think there is often a difference of vocabulary here. To me, if you have some sort of gathering, that's a funeral. But I understand on this thread that a funeral means some kind of witnessed disposal of the body (burial or cremation). To me also, any kind of gathering for a death counts as a wake. I don't really get the difference between a wake and a party, but perhaps we just have very cheerful wakes in our family!

I do want a funeral - preferably a cremation - and a wake. I find them cathartic. What I don't want is any kind of grave or memorial stone. At most, one of those little plaques you put on a bench.

DM wanted a direct cremation but we decided it was too hard for use not to say goodbye so we spent thousands on a funeral, she would have thought it was a waste but we feel better for giving her ‘a good send off’

I’m Irish and it’s direct cremation for me !

I’ve pre-paid direct cremation. It’d be really difficult for DDs to arrange a funeral. My friends are mostly older than me and I’m old. They also live in different parts of the world can’t see any of them flying thousands of miles to attend a funeral with people they’ve never met. I’ve told kids to buy a crate of champagne and have a party instead.

Me too, but burials aren’t always the same thing as funerals. My main concern is to make sure people know no to embalm so that my remains get into the natural burial ground. There won’t be any family so a funeral is unlikely but there’s a limit to what I can do to make sure this happens.

I've told my children quick cremation dump me in the sea from 'my' beach then buy a star in my name then they can look up and remember me! I wouldn't want them to have to travel to put flowers on a grave

Absolutely not. I've made my wishes very clear to next of kin and family. Direct cremation for me.
I'd be mortified and I hope my trusted loved ones would not go against my very clear wishes

Yes.
I want a Christian service with all my church friends and family and some uplifting hymn tunes Sotherton can have a good sing!

What my gran would have called "a good send off"

I had to organise my sons funeral/cremation 2 years ago and I must have sounded like a right heartless cunt with my decisions lol family were telling me I needed a funeral cat to follow him up to the crematorium because it was the right thing to do!! £500 for that so I said erm no because it makes no bloody difference what car we travel in and Benjamin (my son) who was 22 when he died would have called me a mug for paying that lol so I stuck to my guns and it was a non issue. I want a direct cremation and tbh the best part of my sons funeral (you know what I mean lol) was the gathering at the pub after where I got to spend the afternoon and night with all his mates telling me stories about him. So everyone can just have a meet up and celebrate my life and have a laugh and that's all I want for me.

Really?? I want a direct cremation and would be furious if when I had told DS he had responded like you have. It would have soured our relationship if he had told me he refused to accept my wishes about my body.
Obviously he can do what he wants wants when I'm dead and I won't know, but to tell me to my face that he was doing whatever he fancied would have seemed unnecessary and spiteful.

You know, we aren't all the same. It isn't an "of course" as op doesn't know you. Some people will feel differently, and their loved ones will be comforted by different things. I hate funerals, so it doesn't comfort me in the slightest. Each to their own. There is no right or wrong here. People just have to do what is better for themselves, and their families who they know.

I don't think it's good for the living to be prevented from having a service if they want one, as a funeral is part of the process of coming to terms with a loss.

Too many people focus on what they want their own service to be like. I think what matters is what will help those left behind to go on.

Funerals/other ceremonies are about the mourners, really.

I don't care either way. It's up to the family.

I agree with this. My close relative passed away recently, and had a direct cremation, but knew a funeral wouldn't comfort us. I had no wishes to see distant relatives and people I barely know that never saw my relative, when I was at my most vulnerable. I have honoured my relative in my own way, along with my siblings.

I've been to six funerals this year and found them immensely comforting. One was a client and I found out so many things I didn't know- he was a musician and a talented sportsman. I only knew him as a warm, witty, eccentric engineer.

I missed two funerals- one was a direct cremation (DBro) and one where I was looking after the children of deceased (DSIL - and I feel privileged she asked me to do this). I feel I missed out on marking and celebrating the loss of two very special people.

I believe funerals are not for the deceased; they are for the "left behind".

Honestly don't care. Whatever those left behind decide they want to do is fine with me. I'd be happy to leave my body to medical science or direct cremation. Not keen on burials, that's the only thing but once you're dead, you're not going to know anyway are you! 😂

Yea and for some reason I want a very traditional one with people wearing black!

I would really love a sky burial at the top of Ben Lomond but I don't think that's allowed, sadly. So, I've made my wish for a woodland burial known. I want to return to the earth and feed the wildlife.

I do have a strong faith but none of my kids are believers, so I don't care if I have a church service or not. God can find me without one.
What I really don't want is anyone droning on for ages about things I did when I was 5 or classes I took at uni or whatever. All of that is irrelevant, the only important things to me are my family, my friends and my faith and that's all I would want anyone to talk about.

Yes I absolutely do. I’ve been ( and helped organise ) several funerals of people I loved and think it’s an important ritual. It’s hard to go thru sometimes, but ultimately cathartic. I think quite often about the most recent one, and am pleased it was a good funeral. I do understand people can find them difficult but you know what, parts of life are difficult and traumatic. Watching someone die is traumatic but we do it and we go through the rituals afterwards and we mourn. Direct cremation doesn’t really protect you from pain or grief.
Sonetimes we have to face things head on and deal.

My opinion has changed dramatically over the last few weeks. I believed funerals were a must, until my Dad very suddenly passed relatively young last month. Trying to process what had happened and arrange a funeral has been far more traumatic that I could have imagined, I waved my dad off smiling the last I saw him and the next time I will see him is being carried into a service. I don’t think I’ll take any of it in and we’re all going through the motions, I want my Dad to rest as soon as possible but equally as a family we all agree we don’t feel emotionally ready for a public service to say goodbye. I think had he been older or was unwell my feelings may have been different but right now at this moment I’d 100% want direct cremation if something were to happen to me, I think the pressure for a service is off then and my family could take more time to arrange whatever suits.

I have always taken the view that funerals are for the living and not the dead. It helps most people have a focal point for saying goodbye. I have drawn up what I would like to happen, if I have a funeral - But as far as I am concerned, it is up to those I leave behind as to what they want ultimately - and they know that

I don't want a funeral - there'd likely be 3 people and a dog turn up, but sibling has stated I am having one whether I like it or not

I am planning on outliving them to get my way.....

We found DParent's funerals comforting and it was very cathartic writing the eulogies, choosing the music and creating a fitting order of service. But it did feel very odd/strange/awful that after their long, happy lives we had about 40 minutes to send them off.

I want a direct cremation. I think the only people who might be upset by it would be my parents, but it's unlikely they'd outlive me. I don't think DH, my younger relatives or my dc would care.

From a hospice nurse - I would never use the new direct to cremation services. Most funeral directors offer a direct to cremation service, it’s usually cheaper and they treat the body with dignity.

I see lots of families agree to direct cremation but then struggle to process grief. A funeral does not have to be religious. It can be anything you want it to be but it does help families to grieve well.