Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

I've told my DH that I would like to be buried in a beautifully-carved marble sarcophagus, but if he can't stretch to that, a cardboard box will do. I agree that funerals are for the living, so whoever is left to deal with it should do whatever brings them comfort.

Well yeah we all would. Likewise everyone who has ever lived and died. Sadly it's not possible. There are some things you can't control. Can you even imagine the ethics of it? Can you comprehend the horror? There you are, 85 years old and they come at you with a needle. "So sorry Chief everything officer but forty years ago when you had no comprehension of what you were signing up to or how your later life would look you elected to die on this day. We couldn't get a hold of your family because the contact details are out of date. Bye now."

Absolutely!

Why can’t people have the right to predetermine at what stage of loss of independence they would like to go? Whilst they are of sound mind, with suitable verification from professionals, obvs.

Those who don’t agree with it or don’t want yo predetermine would obviously be free to continue on the current way.

Why can’t people have the right to predetermine at what stage of loss of independence they would like to go?

Because it isn't as cut and dried as that. Because who on earth would you trust to determine the boundaries?

Have you ever had a really bad flu? You know, the kind that knocks you off your feet for a week? Do you remember how you felt for the couple of months after? Sometimes you were right as rain, a few hours later the floor starts tipping and you're resting on neighbours' walls on the way to the bus stop. Now think of those variations, magnify them by 100, increase their frequency by 100, throw in a few curve balls, and consider a jagged uneven journey through them. That's your end of life. It can take years. It's not actually possible to find the point at which your forty year old self would want to throw in the towel, and by the time you get there it's meaningless anyway. And how can a doctor determine it? Which doctor, and using what means?

Having seen my mother go through dementia, with her begging me to help her “go now” for years, I personally feel able to decide that once I could no longer go to the toilet independently/feed myself, I would be more than ready to say goodbye.

The doctor/other professionals would only be verifying that I could no longer do those things independently.

I’ll be prepaying for my direct cremation. Funerals are such a rip off. It was ok in the times where people went to church and the vicar could say they knew you but now it’s held by someone who never met you and your family tell them about you & do the readings themselves.

Funerals nowadays are more about lining the funeral directors pockets.

I would prefer my only child to spend the money on something lovely for himself, and not be bound by tradition and what other people think.
I don’t want him to have the stress of arranging it, with everything else he’ll have to deal with when I die.
It’s a huge amount of money literally going up in smoke, terrible waste of money - although ultimately he knows he can do whatever is right for him at the time.
Although I like the idea of some of my ashes going up in a BIG firework 🧨

I don't care if I have a funeral service or not. As long as I am buried beside my beautiful son i don't mind how I get there.

Thanks for your expertise.

Actually, you can have it paid for by the local council, costing you nothing, and there are many charities that will ease the financial burden. On-site at the FD is not thousands if your FD has their own chapel. I'm sorry you got swindled there. Hopefully, going forward, you can help others find more options as I do.

Sorry your celebrant was shit. Sounds like they were unqualified. I have taken the national qualification and have never had a complaint, only thanks. I don't even have a website, I don't need one, as I don't advertise, the funeral directors keep me busy enough. To text you for a review is vulgar though, please complain to the FD. We are here to help, not change your wishes.

We aren't worried about the love to direct. It's very unpopular generally so far, and the recent scandals concerning it have made it more so.

I want whatever will help those left behind most. I’m going to be dead at the time and therefore not really in a position to care.

i think it’s important to mark transitions in life, births and deaths. Just ignoring a loss isn’t healthy, but whether that’s just a huge party or a massive horse drawn hearse, it’s not my opinion that counts really.

i am mildly religious and, if I did have an input, would like a c of e funeral and some singing, followed by a cremation and scattering my ashes on some beach somewhere, but whatever those I leave behind want to do is fine.

They really are, it’s like weddings except your at the lowest point of your life and in soul crushing pain & their wittering on about which wood/handle combo you want like it matters. I can’t think of any scandals surrounding direct crem companies, only that funeral director who was incorrectly storing bodies and sending out random ashes to the bereaved and that could happen in any funeral directors. The one family used for their relative saw the coffin they’d used being taken out of the crem after the service, they suspect they paid for it and the FD took it back to sell again.

Interestingly research suggests the working class prefer funerals and it’s the middle classes who prefer direct cremation.

We used farewill they were great, I was kept informed where he was and what date/time the cremation would be taking place which was local to us. The ashes were delivered back to me by someone who was delivering a few peoples ashes in the district.

Absolutely not. I want the cheapest thing possible - so probably direct cremation. The money will be much better used by the charity I'm leaving everything to.

Good point. How does it work? Do you need to sign up in advance? Or just ask your relatives/executors to sort it?

I'm not bothered at all. Whatever's best for my kids/whatever they want.

I don’t care - I’ll be dead.
What I do care about is that is that the family left behind get what they need to allow them to cope with the loss.
If that is they can’t cope with a funeral it is selfish to insist on one.
If it is important to them to have a funeral to say goodbye then it is selfish to insist on a direct cremation (looking at you MIL.)
Death rituals are as much if not more for the living as they are for the dead.

I don't have a chapel, I'm a celebrant.

It's upto the specific funeral director what they charge, and they do list them, we work for ourselves and can work with as many funeral celebrants as we like.

I lost most of my family in my twenties - I've never had an experience like yours, and I've never seen an FD behave the way yours did. I'm just saying, the industry is there to support, not grab people's money.

Your experience has clearly traumatised you and I am sorry that you are done, but you did try to tell me about my own industry 😉 it's a public forum so you might expect to be spoken to sharply if you want to bicker with someone about their literal job

OH and I have paid for a direct cremation. A friend died recently and had one but his widow organised a remembrance gathering a few weeks later. One of my daughters wasn't entirely happy that it was enough about the man who died so I am gathering photos (while I am happily alive and kicking!) that mean something to me and I will give them to her.

Nope.
I also try to avoid going to them unless I really have to.
I've lost enough dear family members and friends far too soon to have been to been to my fair share over the years.

If anyone does that for me - against my express wishes - I will come back and hunt them!