Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

Can you get anymore selfish?
You will be dead.
I will absolutely be holding a funeral for MIL who wants a direct cremation. I don’t care what she wants/wanted. I care that my husband and children need to say goodbye to help them grieve.

Oh FFS.... haunt them!

And this is it, people need to process their grief

I'm not saying go against the wishes of the deceased. But a memorial would happen then anyway if the family wanted, which is a funeral in every single way minus the coffin

My husband hates funerals, so he'll be delighted not to have the hassle on top of all the paperwork and admin of a death. It's also quite narcissistic to assume that lots of people will be upset when we die - they really won't. But if you do care about someone, it is completely disrespectful to ignore their one last wish.

Having a direct cremation doesn't mean you can't hold a quiet, family event reminiscing and remembering the deceased. It just means you don't have to pay £££ for over inflated venue, flowers and a stranger to talk about you.

I want a simple non religious ceremony then cremation. I have told my dc the songs I would like and where I would like my ashes scattered, I have also told them I would like them to each say a few words about me on the day, just something simple but from the heart. I agree though that Funerals are for the living, so ultimately they will handle it in their own way

Will you be so dismissive of her wishes when it comes to her Will?

It is possible to say goodbye to someone and to grieve without the performance of a full funeral service.

I told my family I want a direct cremation and no funeral. My son said it’s not about me 😂

I really hate funerals and especially the coffin being there. I’m all for a gathering. The wake after a funeral is the best bit. I’d like that without any of the other stuff.

My family can choose to do whatever brings them most comfort. That's what it's about really.

I am a miser. I don't want thousands wasted on an event that I won't enjoy.
Not when I know how the money would be useful to the living.

I am happy for people to get together and stand up and toast or curse me. I'd pay for the cake at that.

That seems very spiteful. Surely you should respect her wishes? Hold a gathering at which to remember her?

Funerals are an ordeal for most - they’re not a necessary part of the grieving process.

Haha DM would have complained about the waste of money but secretly been proud as punch. We kept saying it might have been good enough for David Bowie but it wasn’t good enough for our mum as when she was ill she kept saying if it’s good enough for David Bowie it’s good enough for me.

What is the matter with you people- how on earth can you prioritise the wants of the dead over the needs of the living.
This Place never ceases to surprise me. Full of selfishness.

I agree with other posters. What a very spiteful and mean thing to do. When someone has specifically said that they want a direct cremation and do NOT want a funeral, you would go against their wishes?! What a horribly disrespectful and nasty thing to do Why do your wishes trump hers? And why are YOU deciding what your mother-in-law has? Why is it your business? She is not your blood.

You are (allegedly) going to override your mother-in-law's wishes on her death, and you have the audacity to call other people selfish?! You've got more neck than a giraffe mate!

Also, as I said, why do YOU get to dictate what she has? She is not YOUR mother!

Yes, mostly to help my family to grieve but also so I can attend in ghostly form and listen to everyone saying how amazing I was ;)

I really don't get how having an overpriced funeral - and they ARE all overpriced, helps anyone 'grieve.' You can 'grieve' them by having a bit of a drink later and raising a glass to them, and remembering them.

I don't see how seeing them buried in a hole, or being cremated helps anyone 'grieve.' I went to both my parents funerals, (and DH's parents too,) and would have given anything to have not had to go. I wish THEY had had direct cremations.

Also, as I said earlier in the thread, funerals just bring out the scroungers and scavengers and faux mourners, who have had fuck-all to do with that person for a quarter century or more. At least with a direct cremation it's not possible for people to do that!

My 2 adult DC are very happy DH and I are having direct cremations, as neither one wants to attend a funeral of either me or DH! They said it will be too traumatic.

.

@HeadacheEarthquake I don't think the poster was "lashing out" at all. They made it very clear that you are probably wonderful but they had a terrible experience. You are being pretty condescending toward them sharing their experiences and views, which is not exactly proving your main arguments.

No funeral for me unless my husband wants/needs there to be one. I do, however, have a great playlist to be sent out.

It’s really not selfish to go against the wishes expressed by someone over their arrangements after death.

You’d really go ahead and do the opposite of what someone has asked for? It’s nasty at best.

My first post was helpful and sympathetic

They then got shirty because alternatives had been suggested. I also said I was sorry for their experience.

Inferred that everyone is out to rob you in this industry

They then cracked out "tinkly laugh" "smacks of" and accused me of telling her to do something when I didn't.

So...

Anyway my main argument is? Other than there are options and the more people know about them the better?

I don't need to prove anything 🙏🏼

My niece has all my funeral instructions which includes the playing of Dancing Queen.
When ds1 aged two hours died in 1994 the funeral directors didn't charge for anything which was a very emotional surprise.
DH and I paid for the fd, his brother and their wives to have dinner at my sisters restaurant to say thank you..
The same fd did my Great Aunts funeral when she died aged 106. She lived in Surrey so he drove halfway from Suffolk met the other undertakers and brought her home. He's sadly now given up doing funerals so I will have to look elsewhere... 😔

I don’t want a funereal. Having said that, funereals are not for the dead person, they are for the living relatives, and if my relatives wanted a funereal for me then I won’t come back and haunt them

Couldn't care less, I'll never dead. If my family want one then they can crack on (I have a policy to cover costs if they want to).

I'll be dead!