Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

I have no preference over whether or not there is any kind of service when I die to be honest. DH has been warned - “dress me in something nice, put me in the ground, white flowers only. If you take me anywhere near a crematorium then I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life” 😂
I have life insurance in place with a specific portion to pay for all expenses and have a decent party and/or holiday afterwards - whatever is the preference of the one planning it.
I also have a space reserved in a family burial plot and a blank stone already in situ 😂😂😂

For all those opting for direct cremation - can I ask if your families are accepting of this? I had 2 close relatives pass last year who opted for DC -which is of course what we gave them! I always thought I would be fine with it when the time came but I really struggled for a while afterwards and really felt like I didn’t have any kind of closure.

I hate funerals so I don't want one. You can't stop other people from having one but I don't think you are obligated to pay for one out of your estate for other people. I think dying is one of those times you are allowed to be selfish -- people are expected to respect your wishes, do your will, etc.

Yes, as I feel the ritual of the funeral is symbolic and helpful to family and friends with their grieving process. I know my Dad's funeral was to me when he died 3 years ago.

However, as I actually won't be there I guess I won't know a thing about it and family and friends will do what suits them.

Yes.

People need ways to let out their pain, to feel the pain with other people and to process it rather than suppress it or feel they have no outlet for what they're feeling.

I think the healthiest thing for people mourning someone who has passed away is to allow them to have the funeral that gives them a time and place to express and discuss their grief with other people.

I'm Irish too, a wake here is before the funeral, refreshments are after the burial/cremation.

Direct to crem with no service or ashes. It's what my Dad had and was the right thing for me and my family. It was also what he wanted. His diagnosis with terminal cancer and actual death was more than enough 'closure' for us.

Celebrant here.

It's not really for you, it's for your family. Why not jump ahead and plan your own to be short, sweet, cheap and focus on the wake? Many funeral directors have chapels on site to avoid the crem ceremony

Well I'm a Christian so will have a massive church service - without the body, body direct to cremation

This will save about £5000 which I will then spend on a big tea/wake

I don't want flowers/cars/undertakers/all unnecessary expense

no absolutely not! I'm Irish (sometimes) &I understand that rituals blah make people feel comfortable but the thoughts of a priest talking nonsense over my coffin really doesn't sit well, like what would he say? he doesn't know me

I'm still driving around with my mammy's ashes in my car, it's so personal so everyone just do what you want

You don't have to have a traditional religious funeral. I've been to a couple of funerals where the deceased is brought from their home/funeral home to the crematorium for a humanist service. No priest, prayers or the dreaded decade of the rosary.

@Sparrowball thank you for this, it's definitely something I'd like

Yes, I will pre-pay for some kind of funeral - no matter how small.

It's for the people left behind to help them with closure and grief.

It's to publicise and allow those to attend that may wish to pay their respects anonymously, leaving afterwards.
Not everyone goes to the wake.

I've had to support my son whose family decided not to give his young father a funeral. It has been very difficult. No closure, no chance to meet his dads friends and acquaintances. No chance to hear the stories and spend quiet time thinking about him in a proper place of reflection and remembrance. No place to actually say goodbye.

A bar and a party may be fine for some adults. It doesn't help children or people that don't particularly enjoy drinking and socialising that way.

It is possible to "face things head on and deal" without having a funeral you know. My DM died suddenly, I spent the last week of my DF's life sitting by his hospital bed - that was enough dealing with things head on for me, thank you. They both had a direct cremation, my DM because that's what I chose, my DF because that's what he chose. I seem to have coped with it all just as well as my friends who held traditional funerals for their parents. As soon as someone breathes their last breath they are gone. Having a funeral makes no difference as far as I can see, the goodbyes have already been said. A funeral might be an important ritual for you, for others it's not.

If there is one word I hate, and refuse to use, it is "closure". People who lose someone very dear to them struggle for a long time after the funeral, so the word is meaningless in that respect.

@Luminousalumnus - the conversation was not quite as blunt as that. We were discussing in theory, and if they genuinely had a very strong belief, I'd hope I'd honour it- but it seems to be that the direct cremation thing is a response to cost of living more than anything- these have been available, as another post said, for years- and yet only now there are 'new' companies doing it do they seem popular. My parents never had a strong opinion- I guess assumed the church service and burial route, and I am pretty much 99% convinced it's die to cost they are talking about direct cremation instead. There would still be a church service regardless (they are both religious) so I don't actually see the difference in then 'being there' in a coffin for the service, or being wheeked out the back door of the hospital and cremated when the ceremony still happens, and I'd like that chance to say goodbye at the service, which will happen regardless, if that sounds less arsey?

No, I and both parents have already paid for a direct cremation.

We are a small family and generally very frugal the thought of spending £xxx on that when it could go to DD is just daft. Ashes taken to our happy place and a personal family moment is what we all want.

I guess it's different for those in large families where everyone wants to say 'Goodbye' or if you are religious. Funerals are for the living not the dead.

I think I'd like to donate my body to science ideally, assuming it's any good to them by then! I have discussed it with DH and (adult) DC and they seem ok with it, hate the idea of a funeral so it's that or direct cremation for me.

I am not religious, so definitely DON'T want anything anywhere near a church.

My family knows that I don't care what they do with my remains. I truly can't see the benefit of spending £££s on a funeral.

I would far rather a paupers grave and for them to use the money on a slap up holiday in my memory.

That said, I will be dead so it's up to them. I'll be none the wiser.

I don't want anything that's advertised on daytime telly in the breaks between Tipping Point. Ffs.

I would be very happy for a direct cremation and a drink up after. However, I’m more concerned about having the right to choose when I will die - I really don’t want to end up waiting for my body to give up if I get dementia or some other awful physical issues.

If you have dementia there's no way you can have an assisted death.

Great, great point. I would far rather an exit of my choosing, to minimise pain and maximise dignity. This would be a FAR better use of funeral money. We need life termination policies, not funeral policies.

There should be a way to pre-determine in our will what we want. If we are sound enough of mind to write a will we should be able to use that capacity for forward planning.

I know what I would choose, a calm, quiet and dignified death.