Funeral - do you want one...?

[MargaretElsie]

Having recently been to two - one for an older person, and one for a very young tragic death which is heartbreaking. I can see the argument for both sides, but personally, I've started to realise that I would rather put the money it would cost behind a bar and so those could have a party and a drink on me. In other words, just jump straight to the wake. Several health issues might mean that it is sooner rather than, say, when I am in my 90's so admittedly that helps my decision making.

What would you want...?

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Many thanks!

My mum rang up and organised her own cremation, she didn't want a funeral because we had my dad's funeral a couple months before. I want to just be chucked in a random hole and a tree planted on my head

I want direct cremation. I won't have any close family left unless I meet a grisly end within the next year. And I'd not want to put my cousins through having to deal with a funeral, they are all a lot younger than me.

I don't think it's up to you. Funerals are really for family and friends to say goodbye. You would be dead and so it doesn't impact you in any way. So if they want a funeral then they should have a funeral really. I actually think making a stipulation that you don't want a funeral when it's something your loved ones would want is selfish and a fairly horrid thing to do so I would leave up to them.

For the people saying you have to have a funeral service for the people you are leaving behind -- Why can't people stipulate what type of funeral service and how they want their money spent when they die?

If people then chose to have a service or celebration that is different from what the deceased intended, the deceased isn't going to be around to object, but surely you are entitled to state your preference and direct how the funds from your own estate are to be used upon your death.

Otherwise, do you want a person doing estate planning to canvass everyone before they die to get opinions on what kind of funeral to plan? It reminds me of weddings when you are trying to please everyone and no one ends up happy --at least with a funeral when you are doing the planning and footing the bill, you should just chose what you are comfortable with and shouldn't have to bow to conventions that you (and frankly your family members too!) may not agree with.

If a person has said they don't want a funeral, it seems selfish to have one. I'd hope others would respect the persons wishes. I know if I die that my partner and children will, they will support each other with my close friends. They don't think I'm selfish.

@Lorrymum

No, I have always hated funerals. I know they are supposedly for those left behind but I would rather the money was left to a charity.

I loathe the hypocrisy of "mourners" My Mum died a few months ago at the age of 85. Every time I saw her or spoke to her on the phone she was upset that her neighbours of many years didn't visit her. Yet they were all at her funeral and toasting her passing at the pub wake.

@EverywhereYouGo · Today 16:19

No. All those randoms turning up that I didn't like/hadn't spoken to in years, treating it like a day out with free food and drink puts me off.

I've seen too many people do that, I saw it with a very close friend and hate the idea of it. My partner and children agree, so if any of us die, anyone close to us will naturally come together to support each other without the people who aren't really affected that are only there for the wrong reasons.

And THIS is the kind of thing I am talking about! People who haven't been faffed with someone for many years (20+) OR aren't arsed with people in day to day life. I don't want faux mourners at my funeral. People who couldn't be bothered with me 99% of the time when I was alive, acting all sad and woeful when I'm dead. Show me you care and show me attention and kindness and love when I'm alive, not when I'm bloody dead.

And as you said everywhereyougo I see people trotting off to funerals of people they couldn't tell you anything about, just for an afternoon out, and free food, and a social event. Couldn't tell you the deceased's middle name, date of birth, or favourite football team, or maiden name or anything.

2 women in my village go to every funeral at the Church, even though they don't know the deceased half the time. And they always go to the 'wake' as the wakes are always in the parish hall or the pub. They sit there stuffing the free food down their neck and necking the free booze. AND they take 'doggy bags' home. Absolute cheek of them. Makes my blood boil.

My DD went to the funeral of her DP's uncle last summer, and there were around 15-16 people there, who she and her DP, and his parents, and uncle's son (and DIL of 12 years) had never met. Utter randoms turning up. Probably worked with him for 6 months in 1994! His close loved ones were like 'who the fuck are they?'

The uncle was 61, and they saw him weekly, and had known him all their lives, yet around a third of the guests at the funeral they had NEVER seen before. I know what they were though... Hangers-on - wondering if they would get anything in the will, and faux mourners out for free food, and free booze!

Yeah this. Fortunately my very close family and adult DC have far too much love and respect for me, to do a shitty thing like have a funeral for me, when I have made it explicitly clear that I WANT A DIRECT CREMATION.

I think it's a very arrogant and selfish person, (who clearly doesn't care about the person who has died,) if they go against their wishes after death and have a funeral - when they said 'NO I want a direction cremation, and NO FUNERAL!'

How DARE they do this? Who do they think they are?

They will have to have one legally, whether it's attended or not is then up to the living

@HeadacheEarthquake

No-one 'HAS to have a funeral legally.' Why are you saying this?

"You do not legally have to have a funeral in the UK - lots of people do not want a funeral, and that’s OK. But you do have to register the death, and either cremate or bury the body."

https://farewill.com/articles/do-you-have-to-have-a-funeral-when-someone-dies#:~:text=You%20do%20not%20legally%20have,cremate%20or%20bury%20the%20body.

I don’t want a funeral. I think it’s a waste of money and I rather my children and those left behind spent that on an amazing holiday.

No I don't want a funeral, they've always struck me as being completely pointless.

yes you do have to have a legal disposal of the body, known as a funeral.

the attended part is the service or ceremony. the word funeral is often used as the service or ceremony, but funeral directly relates to the disposal. call it what you will but the funeral director and coroner will refer to it as the funeral whether you are there or not, in NAFD terms which is the governing body. Sorry if that seems odd.

if you read a bit further down the link you provided it does explain that a ceremony or service is not obligatory

Just 9 pages of people referring to a funeral in the colloquial sense and one person insisting on being pendantic despite everyone else knowing we are referring to the funeral service that is part of the ceremonies of honouring a dead person.

🙏

I’m doing this and if it isn’t possible then direct cremation.
The DCs are quite happy with this, I would prefer they go out for a nice meal rather than having to arrange a funeral.

@ForGreyKoala Sorry, I missed your reply. I completely understand what you mean - I guess “closure” isn’t really the best word to use. I have been through quite a few big loses of people very close to me unfortunately. For me, I feel like after the death, the funeral planning has given me a focus and it feels almost like the final act that I can do for them (if that makes any sense - I don’t know that I’m explaining my feelings well 😅). So not so much “closure” but just that there’s a final act that I can do which helps me I guess (selfish as that may sound). It allows me to move into that next stage of grief. With the 2 that opted for DC I just felt like there was the death and then nothing. I felt like I had no focus and nothing that I could do. I struggled more to process those deaths.

@HeadacheEarthquake

The legal disposal of a body is NOT a funeral. 🙄

Why you keep stating things that are not true?!

I liked my granny’s funeral ~no black- she wanted bright colours and very celebratory in nature. She absolutely did not want anyone going to the crem and wrote the entire service herself and pre-ordered the catering from a friend. I have found other funerals much harder- I find very formal funerals much more emotionally draining. If something happened to me now I’d want something my children could manage- so much more light and celebratory and I think I’d want the same as I got older.