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Original poster

I don’t want her to stay.

210 replies

Senparentingwoes · 09/08/2024 09:28

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

  1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
  2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
  3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
  4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 09/08/2024 09:30

Absolutely not.

Brahumbug · 09/08/2024 09:31

SIL is planning to stay? Has she asked for permission to stay? Or just invited herself? That is CF territory and a firm no is needed!

Ladyandherspaniel · 09/08/2024 09:34

No way!!! I would be telling DH if she moves in you and your child will be moving out after the holiday. No way are you putting up with that again coz she will be making herself at home whilst you're on holiday.

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user1471556818 · 09/08/2024 09:35

Your problem is your dh .He should be saying absolutely not as you should and repeat.
Don't let it happen.

GreenIvyy · 09/08/2024 09:37

No. Given past history of CF behaviour. You now live in a 2 bed flat. There’s absolutely no room for her. Shes already ruining your holiday before youve gone. You dont want this when you return. Tell DH its a no (look at last time) or if he continues with it, reassess your relationship

Hadalifeonce · 09/08/2024 09:38

Absolutely not, tell your DH that she is not staying under any circumstances, and if he still wants to live there when you come back, he had better make sure she doesn't.

perfectlyann · 09/08/2024 09:39

has she got a key to your flat? Can she gain access to it? Get husband on board with this. I'd also speak to her myself, explaining clearly that she can't stay in your flat. Just to be sure that she's got the message. In case your dh chickens out.

TheFlis · 09/08/2024 09:41

Why would she need to stay in your flat? Where does she live normally?

windyweather66 · 09/08/2024 09:42

This is horrendous!

Stand up to her, or it will never end! You owe her nothing!

User050105 · 09/08/2024 09:43

Absolutely not. If you need to get a new lock fitted before you go.

perfectlyann · 09/08/2024 09:45

I would also talk to any nearby neighbours you trust and ask them to keep an eye on the comings and going's at your flat; so you'll know if she attempts to sneak in when you're away.

BlastedPimples · 09/08/2024 09:51

She is planning to stay and she hasn't asked you?

Has your h okay'd this?

I wouldn't let her stay. Make it clear.

MissEsmeWatson · 09/08/2024 09:54

It's hard, but I think you have to be firm and say no.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/08/2024 09:54

No way would I be allowing this. The answer is No.

Ayeyourebeingadick · 09/08/2024 09:56

I’d be telling DH if he doesn’t say no then I’m not going on holiday. And mean it.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/08/2024 10:00

Ayeyourebeingadick · 09/08/2024 09:56

I’d be telling DH if he doesn’t say no then I’m not going on holiday. And mean it.

I agree with this completely.

And editing to add that I can't believe he would risk you marriage like this after last time.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/08/2024 10:06

she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere.

I would imagine that’s exactly what’s going to happen. How is she ever going to find another rental property if she’s been kicked out of her last one. I can see her living with you for another two years and then you having to stand as guarantor on another place to get her out!

DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone

You can’t ‘plan’ on staying in someone else’s house-it doesn’t work like that. It sounds like your husband has said it’s fine. Does your husband not remember what things were like when she stayed before?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/08/2024 10:06

@Senparentingwoes wtf was your dh thinking of by not refusing permission to "move" into your flat while you are on holiday??? where is she going to go when you return considering you only have two bedrooms and need one for your child??? I would be getting the locks changed before I go if I was you. then i would be telling dh that absolutely no one is moving into your home ever, at any time!!! Is your husband the family doormat??? if so, he needs to grow a pair of balls and start considering your family before it breaks down! and why the hell does she even have a key to your flat????

Conniebygaslight · 09/08/2024 10:18

WTAF….Not a chance!

Royalshyness · 09/08/2024 10:19

Dh is the problem here

Refugenewbie · 09/08/2024 10:22

Absolutely not. It will hurt her chances of getting accommodation. I'm amazed your dh hasn't asked you before agreeing to this.

FloofPaws · 09/08/2024 10:26

Shell lose her B&B if she moves out - but anyway, no, not a chance with previous experiences! What about her mum?

DoreenonTill8 · 09/08/2024 10:28

Absolutely not. Especially after the financial issues they caused you last time. There is no way I'd go away with the prospect of this. Why doesn't she move in with her mother who also leeched off of you last time.i can see you getting home to sil and her mum happily moved into your home and your dh announcing you,he and dc can sleep in the living room.
Deceitful, but I'd change the locks, not tell him, and just swap his key for a new one! I wouldn't trust him 'just let her stay while you're away'....

FancyNewt · 09/08/2024 10:33

No. That's not happening.

jugglesandspins · 09/08/2024 10:34

It would be a complete non-starter for me. Absolutely not. She is technically homeless so it wouldn't just be whilst you're on holiday length of stay.

I too would feel the same level of resentment. She also contributed to making you have to downsize, financial and marital difficulties.

I hope your DH has a backbone to say no.

My SIL when she was homeless ended up staying with in-laws for 2.5 years.