I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

No chance. Tell your husband that if she does then you and the kids will move out.

Did You go on holiday, @Senparentingwoes ? What happened?

No.

Tell DH it's a hard no, SIL that you can't help this time and quietly change the locks the night before to avoid any "misunderstanding" with any copies anyone may have.

It's easier than you think to change a lock yourself or get someone in. Choose a lock where you can't get keys cut without a security card ( which you retain) so you know who has a copy moving forward. A big brand with a yellow and black logo has lots of options for different doors.

House rules!? You say that like this is going ahead!? Didn't you read the post of how the SIL is on drugs and has used them and effectively ruined their life??

I agree with PP about house rules. Someone like this lady won’t even read it.
She just wants to move in and give a repeat performance.

Why does your DH “tell” you this rather than discuss it with you?

And why is your SIL “planning” to stay?

Neither of these are right. Both people seem to consider your opinion irrelevant.

SIL can “plan” to become the next Queen of England. Unless the people with the power to grant it actually do so, she’s just delulu.

DH should not be making unilateral decisions. And your reservations about the visit seem wholly persuasive.

Absolutely this!!!

i would not trust your DH on this. He agreed to this fait accompli without consulting you, which is absolutely appalling, even without the history of your previous home, or the fact that you have high needs DC. Does he get involved with their care, I wonder, if he can be so cavalier about your family's wellbeing? its brilliant that you have blown this situation open, but it is hard to believe you could relax and enjoy your holiday without certainty that there is no one in your home while you are away. Tell your SIL yourself that she cannot stay, and get the locks changed just before leaving. Do not give a copy to anyone. Warn the neighbours that no one is to stay, Enjoy your break, it sounds like you deserve one.

It would be a definite no from me. After the last time & her being there financially impacting you to the point of having to move to a flat & affecting your relationship I'm surprised you have to ask. TELL your DH & his Sister that its a NO & that it wont ever be an option in the future. If DH isn't on board I'd be seriously rethinking that relationship too.

I think I'd fake illness and not go on holiday to avoid her being able to come.