I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

Absolutely not.

OP - will she sign up to a list of house rules about cleanliness and state of flat upon return? Ie. Beds changed. Everything spotless. Your house - your rules. Like the basic transaction on an Air B’n B since presumably she is having YOUR house gratis. That’s your job done as family and helping out. She has clearly had high expectations of you and your tolerance in the past. Time to draw the line.

Jesus Christ I can't believe the situations some people can possibly end up in! I hate having guests can't wait for them to leave so I would be absolutely furious if this was even suggested to me especially given what happened before. You should not, must not allow this. I would hate to feel that in the back of his sister's/DH's mind there is always your place she can stay should things go wrong. It sounds as if you have got so much on your plate already and having extra people living with you that have personal issues will make you completely unable to relax not only that but they sound like absolute disgusting takers and I would be almost tempted to get rid of him too for allowing it the first time

Get your husband and kids in the car then go back to your place under the pretext of having forgotten something then superglue the locks!! Yes, you'll have to have them changed when you get back but home will still be clean and SIL will have had to make other plans 👍😁

Absolutely not

Just say no? I don't get it? You're an autonomous adult

How on earth does "SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone" become a thing people can genuinely say about their own lives?! I can't imagine being told someone is 'planning' to stay in my house while I'm away?!

Just say no. No arguments, no negotiation. Just no.

Insert yourself into this.
contact her,

1. ask her when arriving & leaving
2. confirming with her when your “oldest friend” is arriving and she must be gone
3. give her your instructions about recycling, trash, cleaning, laundry
4. Tell her she cannot sleep in your bed, make the bed so you will know
5. tell her no guests, no loud music or noises because neighbors complain
6. hide all valuables and medicines - lock inside a duffle or suitcase
7. tell her no borrowing clothes
8. Cannot borrow car, bicycles
9. no copy of keys to friends
10. tell her neighbor keeps an eye
11. show her cleaning supplies, bin bags, Hoover bags

get right in this and take charge of the scabby sibling

Further-
when my partner’s grossest friend comes to stay-
I give him cheap sheets, duvet and duvet cover because he is gross. Doesn’t care, puts his shoes on bed.

i move the kettle, toaster. Sugar, tea to counter right next to sink. He too gets sugar everywhere so floor is like sand! I try to contain him to small area next to sink. He never washes plates or cutlery, rinse only despite dishwasher.
Put away everything I don’t want him touching & clear fridge shelf for him.

we are no-shoes house, he knows it and wears work boots anyway. Mud throughout house. He watches me wash the dogs feet after a walk, family remove shoes but he won’t remove his. We assume his feet must stink.

Defensive approach.

she is not homeless they have put her in B n B so she has a place which is good if she lost her flat herself I hope I got that right
if I was you I would change the locks before you go just in case your husband in a sense of misplaced loyalty has given her a key

I once agreed to my ex-husbands sister and her family staying at our house while we were on holidays. They were generous, respectful and clean guests and still I would never do it again. The pressure to have the place perfect, change beds, make sure there were no icky corners etc before we left meant I was exhausted before I left! Having someone stay in your house while you're not there is also a totally different ball game to having guests whilst being there. You have no control over what they do, where they look, what they use. Something as simple as having to make sure there was no out of date food in the cupboards was a pain. So in summary, even without the back story, it's a huge ask and only something to be done with the best of people who have similar standards and values. A hard no in your case obviously OP

Glad that you seem to have knocked this on the head, but it speaks of a wider problem that needs addressing

You need to talk to your DH about his 'role' as support to his DM and DSis. You say it's a cultural thing (which I have some experience of although not to the extreme - Mediterranean families in my case) but he needs to understand that he has married you and fathered children with you, and those people are his priority now.

He cannot pit you against his mum and sister or let them guilt you into giving up your space. He needs to be equally furious and outraged about the last time she stayed and stand firm because of that, not because you said 'no'.

Well done for putting your head above the parapet. Now talk to your DH

Definitely not. Even if you have to make an excuse that an old schoolfriend is staying in your town to visit while you're away or something I'd pass politely on this one and get your DH to back you up. Good luck!!

I don't know if you can still do it but you used to be able the buy just the barrel of the lock, much easier than changing the whole thing.

No, just NO!
DON'T.

Absolutely would not want her to stay but at also, your resentment may be skewed.

How can someone not contributing to food and bills force yiu to move from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed flat - doesn't make sense.

Honestly, her and her mother's first stay with you wrecked your family's finances to go from 4 bed home to 2 bed flat?

Tell her you have a friend coming by to stay and leave it like that. No need to explain anything else. Do not give her the keys!!

This seems outrageous. Sounds like hell last time she stayed. DH needs to say no immediately. So unfair on you - unbelievable to put you in this position not once but twice. Sorry for you x

No fucking way. Not unless you want her there indefinitely.

No no no! You are not responsible for her! She sounds like an utter nightmare and your husband is mad to even suggest it. Stick to your guns and stay strong. She doesn’t give a monkey’s about you and your flat I imagine.

No, no, no! I’m afraid you’re going to be lumbered again with this selfish, pig ignorant CF. I would be reminding DH of what you went through previously and saying something along the lines of she won’t be the only one moving out when we return if I come home to find her in our flat! What is he thinking? If she’s homeless that’s her problem to deal with not yours.

I’m another one suggesting a change to an ABS lock and keeping the card somewhere secret. That way you know exactly who has a key to your home and your DH won’t be tempted to cave in behind your back.

He’s had little respect for you, by agreeing to/allowing anyone to stay in your joint home without your initial or ongoing agreement, not to mention the financial impact on your family.

I’d also be wary of leaving a key with a neighbour if there’s a chance they could be pressured to let her in, either by her or your DH from on holiday.

I’d instead leave a spare with a trusted local friend or work colleague of yours, whom your DH can’t contact, in case of an emergency while you’re away. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, given the disrespect and breach of trust.

Enjoy your well-deserved and much-needed holiday, safe in the knowledge you’ll be coming back to your clean, orderly home, which (BTW) your DH should equally take responsibility for getting to that state.

I’d completely not be happy with this. I’d happily tell my husband that it’s her or me. If the past issues hadn’t of happened then fair enough but after what she’s already done i don’t know how he expects you to be ok with it. Set boundaries and stick to them.

No No No, do NOT let this happen, she will lose her B and B if she moves into your flat, she will end up being there long term, i think id cancel holiday and say you are staying put now he has ruined the holiday how can you relax knowing that she intended to move in, i think you have a serious husband problem who seems to be putting his family before you, how dare he, you work for what you have, he needs to have a serious head wobble or he needs to leave.