I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

Does she have keys? I'd be worried your dh will let her anyway. If she has front door key can you wedge it from inside and go out back?

He has agreed she can’t stay and will tell her

Had he already told her that she could stay?

”DH, not a chance she can stay after the fiasco last time. Text her now and make that clear and I’ll do the same. “
Then make sure you change the locks just before you go. Maybe get one of those things that you can see if anyone tries to get in on your phone, sorry don’t know the name!

Christ! No way
You and DH almost divorced last time and now your living circumstances have changed you don't have room. Aside from the fact she wouldn't leave
Seriously if she has or could get hold of a key I'd change the locks before you go away.
Ask neighbours to keep an eye on your place in case she tries to gain entry
DH should be telling her a blunt no

100% change the locks the day you leave and get a ring doorbell!

I don't understand how and why husband just said sister-in-law was staying, without even asking. That is just so high-handed. The home belongs to both of you. What has he said about it since?

Hey Bro, I need a place to stay

Not after last time sis, we've changed the locks. You're on your own

She's been evicted , she's in a B&B

Well done OP for telling your DH how it's going to be. I do feel bad for him too, families like that can put immeasurable pressure on someone. You are in a good position here because you said yes before and DH knows how it will play out. Let him deal with the fall out now, this will ultimately be a good thing for him as he obviously hasn't been good at setting boundaries before. I think change the locks too, just in case!

If she manages to gain entry to your apartment whilst you are away I bet she would take the opportunity to go through all your stuff and possibly help herself to anything pretty or valuable .

Die she have a key for your flat? I'd be checking with DH and changing the locks if she does

This. Unfortunately, not letting her move in is worth more to you than this holiday and it does sound like your DH will buckle under the pressure and let her stay at the last minute.
Its fine to help out family members and in fact he can help her with flat hunting when he comes back.
But given what you've said about the behaviour and effect of their actions last time, they could seriously disrupt not only your life, but your children's life too.

Stage a sit-in, change the locks and also in this situation I would proudly be "The Bad Guy" .... so what if they don't like it.
Its the same as them saying
"Oh OP, you won't let me move in and walk all over you. Your so horrible."
Answer. "Yes. That is exactly right. " -
How is that going to be any worse than what will happen if you give in to them?

It seems like you are the only person prepared to stick up for your children's needs.

I ended up calling DHs dad yesterday and ‘tattling’ on her 😆 and just asked if there’s anything he can do to help her. He is very very frustrated as it turns out since she has been back in the UK, he has given her thousands of pounds.. she’s only been back 2 months! turns out she has been telling a lot of lies and different stories between the two of us. I feel really unsettled by it all, she clearly does have a drug problem right? When she stayed with us prior to getting her own place she would sleep all day and be in a total daze. Her dad said she was the same there and his wife (who’s a doctor) flagged to him that she thinks she has a drug problem too..

to those asking why she was kicked out - apparently her landlord sold up without telling her! I know that sounds like absolute bullshit! She had only been there 5 weeks. It’s all very bizarre, but I have totally thrown a grenade into the situation by involving her dad and both realising she has been lying about lots of stuff. My husband spoke to their mum yesterday and told her she won’t be staying here. Her mum seemed to understand and said something along the lines of “she will never be that close family member that makes a huge effort or spends loads of time with you and the kids”. I thought to myself, oh really!!! But she wants to be ‘close family’ when she’s asking for fucking money or a place to stay!!! total CF.

Wow that’s an update!!

You absolutely did the right thing, stand your ground. If he ever lets either of them trespass in your space again then he needs to go.

Well done OP, I dont know you but Im so proud of you! Far too often you see people fallen prey to CFs or weak-spined/selfish DHs who dont put their families first. But you have taken the bull by the horns and really put everyone straight! Great idea to contact the dad and blow it all open now. Your SIL has been bank-rolled and taken care of her whole life, she may have a drug problem but it shouldn't be you picking up the pieces - you have 2 young children to look after. SIL needs to start sorting her life, I'm amazed your DH had put you and the kids in this situation, financially and emotionally draining, esp. when his sister has put zero effort. He is to blame too, for enabling all this bullshit for all these years. I hope that having heard his dad's account has brought him to his senses finally.

Does she have a key to your flat? If not make sure DH doesn't let her have one. If he does I wouldn't be going on holiday.

Cat among the pigeons!

Good for you, OP. Addiction and family dysfunction thrive on secrecy.

You have put them all on notice that SIL is their problem not yours. Good job!

Good move and also your DH telling his parents its not happening.
Make sure your keys are secure and enjoy your holiday.

I don't think you should let her incase she drops diazepam in your house

I think your relationship with your DH will be really tested over this. When you ho on holiday do you really trust him not to give her a key? I would be changing the locks.

Great update OP. She sounds like an absolute nightmare, I wouldn't have her near my children.

If there was the slightest chance she could move in whilst you are away, I would simply refuse to go on holiday

Never ever heard of anything like this - 2 years, her and his mum? Are they not from the UK? This type of communal living is not something anyone I know would entertain, but it was apparently the norm in the family of my former SIL from Bulgaria. When my niece was born, her parents 'came to help' and stayed for 3 months and that was of of the factors contributing to their separation. They literally moved in and saw nothing wrong with it. Please don't if you intend to stay married. Last time it was for 2 years, now this time you don't know how long it will last, this just has 'disaster' written all over it and I don't mean messy cups and untidiness, it can destroy your relationship with your husband when you will be asking her to move up, 8 months or so down the line. Easier to say 'no' now than deal with it later.

It’s a definite no, for the drug risk if nothing else. I’d always worry about anything hidden away a child might find. Do you have a door camera or can you install a camera trained on the front door ? And call police if she did enter your home.