I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

With that update @Senparentingwoes I'd be seriously having a word that they're not staying now or ever, as this will always loom over you.

I suspect your DH is used to being the one who is expected just to deal with all their shit. And he doesn't have the capacity to say no. You need to make it clear - this is a no. It might be different if they were the type to muck in, but this level of incompetence and lack of helpfulness is not okay.

This would be worth an ultimatum for me.

No way. Has he learned nothing from the last time?

I personally wouldn't allow it.

They’re CFs. Reminds me of this time my CF SIL called DH and asked if she could “borrow” £25,000…. Absolutely fucking not. How they think they can ask these things and expect us to be find about it I do not know!

Don't let her stay in view of her previous. I cannot believe the cheek of the woman moving her mother in and staying for two years, not contributing financially, cooking or cleaning up after herself and her mum! That is appalling and the result was you had to leave your good home to live somewhere smaller.

No, no, no! Living in a b&b type place will motivate her to find somewhere else. Tell your husband that and put your foot down. It's not harsh, you've done your bit to help her in the past. He must know it's not on, I'm surprised he suggested it, never mind told you she was moving in. Sheesh!

That’s a NO from me too.
She abused your generosity before. She is going to do that again.

Please don’t let her use your flat.
And please tell me she doesn’t have a key that she could use whilst you’re away

@IdLikeToBeAFraser its exactly that. They come from another culture where it’s considered normal and her dad was/is very uninvolved so a lot of pressure has been put on my husband to take on this role for his sister and mum (despite the fact he is the youngest!)

I wouldn't even let the mother stay for a holiday if you were there. She'd never leave.

I don’t have any close family support, so when I’m struggling on my own with two very high needs children, where’s the support from them?! It’s literally only when they need or want something. Extremely manipulative and I’m beginning to worry my DH is the same as them, he’s just better at hiding!

😢😢
From your update, you seem to really have a lot on your plate!
How is your dh with the dcs? Is he actively parenting them, incl appointments with various specialists, or is he leaving you to it?

Why are you worried your DH is the same?

Senparentingwoes
I sat DH down and told him it’s absolutely not happening, that if it does he can move out when we get back

This is the bit of your post that worries me.
Can you explain 'if it does?'
Do you think he will override you, or do you think she can get in somehow?

I am asking because if she is there when you get back, with your husband's permission, getting her out will be difficult - she will have lost her B and B.Also, getting him out may be more difficult than you think - you have no legal right to sling him out. Ignore those who say 'throw him out', because you cannot.

Are you able to change a lock, seriously? If not, I'd book someone in for the day before you go, take both keys and do not give him one until you get back. No need to make a row about it, just procrastinate.

Your priority is to your child. Adding a chaotic individual (or indeed additional individual) into a two bedroom flat will just add to their stress and anxiety.

However much you need this holiday, you won’t enjoy it because of the thoughts of what is potentially going on or happening in your home. I would seriously cancel. SIL sounds so entitled she’ll just turn up anyway - especially as your DH has effectively given her the green light.

Do we know why her previous landlord ‘kicked her out’?

Tell your husband it's a divorce if she stays.

Absolutely disgusting that he would even consider her staying.

I'd be putting it to your dh that you understand why he feels an obligation to his sister but that she abused your good will last time and you will not be accommodating it to happen again this time and if he goes ahead with this then he's choosing her over your family. This is on him to have your back.

You are supposed to be a unit and he shouldn't be making these calls without knowing you're 100% on board.

Just say no, based on her behaviour last time a similar situation happened.

Nobody should be in your home unless you've invited them.
Your DH needs to say "no" and you need to be able to trust him.
Both seem unlikely at the moment.

How did they end up staying 2yrs and why did that lose you your house?

YANBU. If she moves in you'll never get her out.

Honestly you are not being unreasonable. You would be better off as a single mum if they move back in again. At least you would only be looking after two kids and not three adults.

I would remind him that we have the welfare state in this country, so there is not the same need to provide for extended family. She is an adult and he has childcare of his own to support. The kids can't go out and support themselves, but she can.

There is no way on this earth I'd allow this to happen. I'd divorce him if he agreed to it.

Wouldn't she lose her accommodation if she wasn't using it for a while, anyway? Then she'd have to stay with you.

Can see why her dad is uninvolved. Not in a million years would I let her move in. Has she got a key? Is she has, change the locks.

I completely agree with you, absolute not. And tell DH if this does happen you will be beginning divorce proceedings immediately.

Which culture are they from?

Ensure she doesn’t have a key, you can change the barrel for about a tenner, we did it when the tenant left in case he’d kept a copy of the key, all doors!

Keep reinforcing to your Dh that it will NEVER happen, not temporarily, nothing. Why can’t her mum stay in her home country? Are there no other family members there?