I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

Why did them staying with you mean that you had to go from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed? Sorry being obtuse, that was the one part I didn’t understand. Obviously you are in the right here though!

Tell her to get fucked and that's putting it politely.

A friend of mine had this issue with adult stepdaughter.

She knew DH would cave, so she secretly changed the locks just before going away for Christmas.

DSD arrived by train Xmas Eve (with three friends) and couldn’t get in obviously. Not only that, she was stuck and had to phone her mum to come and collect her.

DH couldn’t complain when friend “remembered about losing keys and changing locks” as he had assured her nobody would be staying…

@Senparentingwoes
Wow ! Your husband “told” you sil is staying in your home while you are away!?

I wouldn’t let her near my family after the turmoil she caused, but you and your husband facilitated it to the point of near total destruction.

She does not get in your new flat after what she did to your large home . No way .

Tell your husband this is a deal breaker. .start with boundaries OP and keep them firmly in place with your husband and his sister .

The answer is NO and keep saying NO.

No chance!
Anyway, you’ve already rented it out for the time you’re away.

Hard No. she’s moving back in. She won’t leave.

Tell your DH it'll be happening over his dead body.

This protect your family, your children.She probably won't leave.If it comes to it rather don't go away on holiday so you can keep her out of your house.

It might feel uncomfortable, saying no but she's caused you massive trouble already.There's no room for her to stay.

Absolutely not. Remind your husband that this could be divorce territory.

If you change the locks to an ABS lock (about £40) you cannot get a copy cut, you need the plastic card that comes with the lock which has an identification number on it. It means you can lend the key out and when you take it back you know they cannot have made a copy.

https://www.abs-secure.co.uk/

You can watch a youtube video on how to change a the barrel, easy, so easy to do. Sadly I would do this and hide the card with the id number on it somewhere your Dh cannot find it. He is too generous.

A definite NO from me!!!

Absolutely no. If you husband doesn’t take a side with you on this one he can find a place to stay together with the SIL. She won’t find anything while you are gone and will stay at your place for who knows how long..again! And you won’t be able to kick her out.

Once bitten, twice shy. I get dh is probably in FOG territory, but yes this is divorce boundary stuff.

He is too generous.

No, he is a thoughtless, spineless apology for a man who puts his sister and her problems above his wife and sen child.

This.

This is why I like mumsnet 😂

Definitely wouldn't let her get a foot in the door.

Apart from anything else once you're back if your SIL plans to stay and your MIL also has plans to move in where will they sleep.
It'll be a bit crowded with 4 adults and 2 DC in a 2 bed flat.

Ring doorbell or equivalent no fee version so you can monitor comings and goings too!

Absolutely not!

I was going to suggest a last minute change of the locks too!

I don't want her to stay either and it's not even my flat.

I agree that you should change the locks before you go away. I’d tell your spineless husband if he EVER asks for his druggie sister to stay with you again he will be asked to leave. I wouldn’t allow your children to have any contact with her until she has had treatment for her drug problem and is clean. DH can see her on his own away from the house.

Well done for holding your line and putting your family first.

I strongly suggest you install cameras on your doors that connect to your phone before you go anywhere on holiday.

Has he given her a key yet?

I wouldn't change the lock till just before you go, don't give the opportunity for him to get a new one cut.
Oh and I'd also brace myself for an 'emergency' in the flat while away so she just had to be given access to save the day!