I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

Good point. I'd be changing the locks!

Sorry, I think your sister/brother/aunt/friend/neighbour's dog is already house sitting for you. Been arranged for months.

Is your flat rented? If so, this might be breaking your rental agreement.

if it isn’t, you need to check with your insurers. Ours had a three night exclusion, although you could pay to extend the cover.

I would use all this as a diversion to stop this nonsense btw

PS is SIL mum not DH’s?

You would be crazy to agree to this.

Abso-fucking-lutely-not.
With bells on.

"Over my dead body" would have been my response.

Don't be a doormat (again)!

If your flat is rented you really can’t let her stay. Tell DH you will consult with the landlord snd that landlord has refused permission.

My husband would never say this! He needs to tell her no way!

Sit that man down and tell him you're not having it.

I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.

You 'think she may' have a drug problem?! OP, she definitely has a drug problem. She's literally told you that she's hooked on Valium.

My guess is that this, as well as her apparently inability to look after a property and keep it clean, is strongly connected to her landlord's decision to kick her out.

YANBU not to want this chaotic, feckless nightmare staying in your flat. But YABU to have stayed in a relationship with a man who allowed his family to basically ruin your life and who makes decisions about who can/can't spend a week in your home without consulting you. You know it's absolutely not remotely normal to be 'financially crippled' by your in-laws, right?

Over my dead body 😂😂😂 would be my response! I would tell her myself too in case it wasn’t made clear enough by your husband!

Absolutely not, I'd rather not go on hoilday to ensure she doesn't stay.

Failing that I'd be telling DH i will divorce him if it happens.

But YABU to have stayed in a relationship with a man who allowed his family to basically ruin your life and who makes decisions about who can/can't spend a week in your home without consulting you.

This. You have a massive husband problem.

It's sounds like she and MIL were the reasons you lost your 4 bed home and are now in a 2 bed flat!

Is there a reason that your DH (or you) don't feel able to stand up and say no to her?

Is she aggresive/likely to kick off?

Would you consider reading the OP at all?

Absolutely not, you’ll be stuck with her for another 2 years

As she’ll lose her right to council B&B because she’s moved in with you.

No chance. How old is she?

I would be seriously considering changing the locks the day before you go and 'D'H can get a new key when you get back. That or telling him he says no or you serve him with divorce papers. I feel like the first would protect your life better than the second. Your DH inability to deal with this nearly ruined your marriage and you're still paying the financial price and yet here he is rolling over again to let your SIL screw him family over.

I think your marriage will be over if she stays in your home for even a night.

Have you prepared yourself for that, because I'm afraid given the fact that you very nearly split up the last time she stayed, it could and probably will happen this time.

You have an equal say. Explain calmly to your DH that under no circumstances is she staying in your home and will he or you tell her this today? If DH dithers, well I think you have to face a different future to the one you have now. Your well being and happiness are just as important as SILs, and your marriage even more so. Think it through and fight your corner whatever the outcome and stick to your guns.

Big fat “No way”!
To your husband and to her…
Tell them both straight and stick to your guns.
Absolutely ridiculous….

No need to be so snippy. I overlooked one sentence in a long post 🙄

You really have a dh problem. He already manipulated the situation until you lost your house. Now he wants to do it again with the flat. No way.

Consider this, if since last time, the GP has stopped supplying her with diazepam, where is she getting it now? Potentially someone else? Could she be then inviting unsavoury characters into your home whilst away?

i cannot believe you are ok with the fact youve gone from a 4 bed detached house to a 2 bed flat. Because of SIL/MIL and DH not having a backbone

the fact hes asking/stating shes staying again tells you everything you need to know about how much he values your opinion op

My simple response to dh would be either you tell them absolutely no way after last time and that's the end of it or he can move on with them and you and the kids can live in your flat on your own.

Absolute madness and your dh needs to grow a pair

Thank you all for your replies! I was bracing myself to he told that I was unreasonable and being a cow but you’ve all made me feel a lot better! I sat DH down and told him it’s absolutely not happening, that if it does he can move out when we get back and they can get a place together where he pays all the rent like they used to before I came along. Can you believe when we met he was paying their rent, even when we had a baby on the way. It’s absolutely shocking and has been a huge point of contention in our relationship. He has agreed she can’t stay and will tell her but I’m also going to speak to the neighbour and ask them to keep an eye out.

probably a bit of a drip feed but the reason we survived the last bout was because SIL and their mum moved back to their home country. They were there for two years before it all went tits up again and now she’s back with her mum following shortly. Plan was for her to get set up with a house, job etc, however she has only been looking at rooms which made me very nervous that the plan was to secretly move their mum in here again. We just don’t have the space, my 6 year old is autistic and being assessed for adhd, my 2.5 year old has been referred for a neuro developmental assessment and is non verbal amongst other things. I just don’t have the mental capacity for it but am constantly made to be the bad guy for saying no because “it’s what families do”. I don’t have any close family support, so when I’m struggling on my own with two very high needs children, where’s the support from them?! It’s literally only when they need or want something. Extremely manipulative and I’m beginning to worry my DH is the same as them, he’s just better at hiding!