I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

You can't have a druggie round your kids. Definitely get the locks changed just before you go, or add another one that DH doesn't have the key for.

I came on to say “fuck no” but saw you had already spoken to your DH and FIL and knocked it on the head. That sounds horrendous having them there for 2 years and I’m sorry your DH is so useful he couldn’t even tell them to wash up. Or do it himself.

She can’t just move out for a couple of weeks if she’s been allocated a B&B by the LA - she’ll lose the place and then she won’t be a priority for housing because she has a roof over her head with you !! Why has this not dawned on your DH before he gave her the go ahead without even discussing it with you ? He’s your problem. You need to remind him of the shitshow last time she stayed, followed by a firm ‘no’. Tell him to be prepared for you and your DC to move out if she moves in.

I also really glad this has been knocked on the head, but time and time again we hear of men who would rather risk their marriage, instead of saying 'no' to a relative who is being unreasonable

Absolutely not. I would tell your husband (a) you expect him to say no, and (b) to go to couples therapy with you so that you can work on your teamwork, priorities and boundaries (as you both would clearly benefit from strategies for dealing effectively with his family and prioritising your own immediate family - perhaps him more than you but emphasising that you need to be a family team will stop him feeling attacked).

Hell no. Change the locks. Also warn her you will get the police involved if she tries to stay and make sure you put this in writing to her. Also, do you have a neighbour who can check she's nowhere near, so you can in fact contact the police.
Your DH is shite btw.

NO NO NO NO NO

You'll never get rid of her if you let her move in

If she's homeless social services are there to help, or other family members.

Not you, you helped last time.

I would be rethinking my relationship.
Living with this hanging over you, wondering when he is going to give in or facilitate this as well as everything else you have going on is not sustainable - you will be a nervous wreck. Having to keep one step ahead of him all the time.
He doesn't get it at all, he's agreeing with the person he last spoke with.

Nope

No. She won't move back out again. If your dp insists then it's time.to get your own place.

Absolutely not, no way in hell!

Noooooo! My second worse nightmare as the first would be her moving in until she found a new place. I don’t even like husband and children staying in my house without me - they just don’t look after things and break stuff just by looking at it!

Stand up to your husband. It's both of your flats. Not his, he should have asked you first.

Absolutely agree social services will wash their hands of her if you are housing her. No longer their problem.

No way!

I think you need to say absolutely not. This sounds a very bad idea

@Senparentingwoes if she has a key to your place I would definitely change the locks before going away.

You don’t need to provide reasons. Just say no. You need to put your foot down. Your home is not a doss house.

Can you arrange for a friend to house sit while you’re away?

I’d tell DH you won’t go on holiday if she moves in. I’d also change the locks just to be on the safe side. Afraid DH is well out of order here.

Change the locks on the day/day before you go and make sure your husband doesn’t need a key in that time.

That would be a big fat f**k off from me!

I'd also be telling DH if she moves in, I'd be divorcing him .

And yes, I'd change the locks. It's easier than it sounds. Have a look at Screwfix to see what's involved.

www.screwfix.com/p/yale-1109-night-latch-replacement-cylinder-brass-33mm/76160

Absolutely no way should she stay at your house. She won’t leave and it will be a repeat of last time only worse as you have no room. Your husband is being incredibly unreasonable not saying no to her straightaway. She sounds like a complete Life Drainer and I would tell your husband that if she comes, you go. I feel for you on this, can’t believe what your husband is saying, given the total devastation she caused you in the past.

Absolutely No.

Would be tempted to even change locks in case they have spare (if you suspect they have one - sorry for the prejudice)

You already lost your house because of them, stay firm.

And if it comes to it, you may have to choose between them staying and your marriage - but if he can’t see why this is wrong, you’re better off without him.

I feel very anxious for you just thinking about it. Say no an dcjhange the locks.

she can't "plan on staying at yours" without an invitation.

@Senparentingwoes Say absolutely not. She may never leave! What is his reasoning for it? Feeding the cat or something else vital? If not, there is absolutely no need. I would threaten divorce over it