I don’t want her to stay.

[Senparentingwoes]

Going on holiday next week for two weeks. Very much needed. DH has just told me SIL is planning on staying in our flat while we are gone and I really don’t feel happy about it for a few reasons.

1. she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.
2. she is extremely messy. I like to do a deep clean/ change bedding etc prior to going away so we have a clean house to come back to. She is the type of person that will spill sugar/tea on the counter and will leave it to crust alongside her used teabag and teaspoon.
3. I think she may have a (prescription) drug problem. She has admitted to me that she abuses diazepam and is worried because the GP will no longer prescribe it.
4. she makes no effort with me or my children and we don’t see her unless she needs something (money, a place to stay, a place to store things etc). My autistic 6 year old absolutely adores her and she doesn’t give her the time of day. She lived 2 minutes down the road.

Not sure if it’s the history clouding my judgement here. I feel my hand is being forced because she was kicked out by her landlord a few days ago so is staying in a b&b type thing. I know what’s going to happen, she will stay in our flat while we are away, not sort out anything and have to stay longer to find somewhere. I feel like her being in the b&b situation may make her more motivated to find a longer term solution. I just feel really uncomfortable and unsettled about this. She is mid 40s and working. WWYD? Suck it up because what’s the point in the flat lying empty? Or say absolutely not?

Why did DH not discuss this with you. I wouldn’t want her there either.

I'm a pretty accommodating person.... but not a chance! Your responsibility is to your kids and their well-being.

Why has he not discussed it with you. And no!! You nearly divorced over this. Plus if she is staying in the b&b and the council have housed her she needs to stay. You only have 2 bedrooms and do not have room for her. It wouldn’t be an issue if she hadn’t overstayed last time.

This is a dh problem because he didn’t shut this down immediately.

If he really thought that her moving in whilst you were away, given her previous disastrous stay, he would have shut it down completely

The fact he didn’t and presented it to you as a done deal, it doesn’t matter what noises or words of agreement he says to you, deep down he doesn’t see the problem

If I had to go on holiday I would be secretly buying and setting up a security camera inside your home and monitoring it whilst away. If sil comes into the flat I would be calling the police to report a burglar or squatter and hiding your dh’s phone so he can’t be contacted

I think I would be considering divorce just for him saying she was staying whilst you were away

You’ve done the right thing OP. If she moves in, there’s no way she would be moving out. And yes it’s a very good point when they say it’s what families do, where is your support for caring for an autistic child?

September my brother, sister in law will have stayed 5 years that's at least 4 years more than they asked for and I'll be lucky if they are out by Christmas

Never again.

So, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

It's a deal breaker. You have a husband problem not a SIL problem. Can you not see he's just enabling her and putting her before his family he chose not born in to?

Again absolutely not!

I meant he not you

It’s the man’s fault.

This. Sorry you had to downsize. That’s heartbreaking

why are neighbours keeping an eye out - do you need to change the lock?

Woah, read your updates. You said sil, not sister and dp mum! This is a very different story!!
id think you can’t leave your mil on the streets but you can say no to dsis

This. I dont usually agree with ultimatums but this is a rare time when. its appropriate.

WTF is your DH thinking?

Awful. Just awful.

she moved in with us in 2020, supposedly for 6 months but ended up housing both her and her mum for 2 years with zero bill/rent contributions and not so much as a dinner cooked. It absolutely crippled us financially and we ended up having to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom flat. We literally almost divorced over it. I hold a lot of resentment during this time as I was pregnant, working full time in the nhs and taking care of a SN toddler and they were unable to clean their own dishes.

And your husband is actually entertaining the idea of her staying?!!!

I wouldn't bother being tactful about it. I'd actually send an email round to the whole bloody lot of them saying that you don't give permission for them to stay in your house and if they do turn up, you'll be calling the police on them for squatting in you and your DC's home.

Sounds like the relationship is rubbish anyway so you may as well make your position crystal-clear.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and put you and the kids first.

I'm going entirely based on your opening post here @Senparentingwoes but I'd have to tell DH that under no circumstances is his sister staying in our home when we're not there and tell him that it is entirely based on how she treated the place the last time(s) she stayed.

Not going to happen.

I'd even go so far as to ask the neighbours if they hear any noises from the place or see anyone in or around the place that they should call the police on your behalf. Perhaps even let the police know that the place will be vacant so no one should be there.

I'll go back now and read more of the thread but based on what is in your opening message, nope. No vacancies here. No room at the inn.

Definitely change the lock barrels. They're cheap and it's a five minute job. Because if you don't change the locks you know she'll be in there one way or another.

I agree with this.

Change the locks before you go on holiday and ensure SIL doesn't have a key. It'll be cheap compared to getting her out.

Having read your update @Senparentingwoes I'm now wondering what her father is planning to do about his wayward lying daughter? She clearly needs help but not the sort that either you or your DH could provide for her. She needs an intervention by the sounds of things and you cannot provide that.

Best of luck with your holiday. Hope you manage to get some rest.

OP sorry you have so much stress when you should be excited for your holiday.
Your SIL may have a serious prescription drug issue and the problem is if she’s not getting them from her GP, she could be getting herself into serious debt.
Also if she is in your home at all you don’t want her leaving her ‘stuff’ around the place.
Happened to a friend of mine, and the place was an absolute tip when they returned.
Glad your DH agrees now but I’d still be making the place extra secure.
Hope you get everything sorted and enjoy your hols - you deserve one.

No, she cannot stay.

Change the locks before you go on holiday, so there’s no surprise when you get back

I'd also not actually tell dp had done this, but just swap the new key for the old as it sounds like he'd just give her a new copy for 'emergencies'.

Hang on- they cost you so much money you lost your house? Shocking! Absolutely don’t let her in and tbh I’d keep at long arms length. She needs help for the drugs, diazepam killed my grandma and my mum is addicted too. Sending you love x

I wouldn't be okay with this.

I would tell DH that she is not moving in and tell him that he must tell her this ... today! If he refuses, I would have the locks changed the day before the holiday and I would stay home.

Definitely stick to your guns! Also if she sources temporary accommodation through family then she is very unlikely to be offered any further temporary accommodation from the relevant local housing department… I agree culturally it may be his family’s way but don’t get ambushed by them!

Absolutely not. I'd forego the holiday to stay in my home and keep her out. If that sounds extreme that's how I'd feel.