Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

I can understand your reaction. And it must be very hard not to have friends to support you.

Is there no-one you can confide in? A sibling, or a former colleague or someone you know well enough to invite for a coffee.

A problem shared is a problem halved. It really is. Someone to help you see the future possibilities.

You are grieving. It is going to take a while to get over the shock, but you will get there. There will be some calm soon, and you'll be able to start thinking about the future, and how you can start building up toward the career you want again.

I'd also start thinking about how you are going to deal with your former colleagues. Do they know why you have left? Do you want to keep in contact with them? If so, I'd be up front about why you were fired and see how they react.

The reason for the gross misconduct obviously makes a difference here. "I got fired because I was caught in flagrante with the MD" or "I was over the drug and alcohol limit" would be better than "I defrauded my clients, made them leave me all their money in their wills, then bumped them off." Whatever it is, you'll need to come up with a strategy to explain how future employers can rely on you not to do it again.

My old boss used to tell me that it helps to frame whatever is wrong over a long timescale. In 20 years, you won't still be crying. At some point between now and then it will get better. Good luck 💐

Therapy might help you think about why you did whatever you did and why, as you clearly valued the job and were doing well in some ways if you were being considered for promotion, you chose to wreck it all?

Obviously you don’t have to say on here what the gross misconduct was, but it sounds to me as if you’re trying to move on far too quickly. You’re going to need to come to terms with whatever you did first, surely?

Thank you for your nice comments 😭 I do have one or two friends but I guess I'm scared of being judged.

My mum was so proud that I was so close to being a manager, as I came from a life on benefits. I wanted so badly to turn that around and not have the same for my children.

Regrettably I didn't do well in school either so no exam grades, so being able to have some what of a career was amazing to me.
To find a company willing to give me that chance was even better. And I ruined it all in a split second decision.

I was fired for stealing £50.

I think it's become quite raw all over again due to it literally being this time last week. I'm so stupid, I don't think I will ever get passed this.

The friends I did have at work have just presumed I left due to stress.

Did you desperately need the money, @b0rnSad ? Or were you at some level trying to sabotage your own worklife?

You sound like a good, hardworking person. To me, it sounds like you made a mistake. You might be kicking yourself now, and thinking why did I do this stupid thing etc but it was a MISTAKE. You're human and we all do ill-advised things, stupid things, even bad and immoral things from time to time. That doesn't make you a bad person. You're probably feeling guilt and shame right now... this will pass with time. Try to reflect on why you felt you did the thing (it's ok to not know! Sometimes we just do silly things!) but please take care of yourself.

I had to fire someone for gross misconduct. She was and is a lovely person who made a stupid mistake but I made sure to hold that final meeting in a way that hopefully helped her maintain some dignity in a very difficult period in her life. I stressed she shouldn’t let it define her and destroy the rest of her life. She has gone on to have a successful career, no more slip ups and we are Facebook friends. I’ve no doubt you feel hideous just now, but life is a long and complicated thing. You are not defined by this, keep putting one foot in front of the other and years from now you can hopefully look back from a much happier place.

so being able to have some what of a career was amazing to me.
To find a company willing to give me that chance was even better.

I think you need to do some self reflection as to how if this was the case you then decided to steal and ruin it? And why?

What’s done is done but have you learned from this experience?
do you take responsibility for it?
Are you upset because you know you fucked up?

if yes then you’ll be fine because you’ll never put yourself in that position again!

if no and you think you’ve been treated unfairly then you might find things are going to keep repeating.

it’s tough now but the upset will fade an you’ll find a new job.

It's still very raw.

Have you told your mum about it? I think talking and crying even, with someone non judgemental, would help.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, some bigger than others. But you can move on from this

Oh @b0rnSad. We all make mistakes of one kind or another or do wrong things from time to time.. Some are just bigger than others as a pp said

You need to be able to talk this out with someone who won't judge you but will just listen.

You are understandably upset that a moment's temptation lost you a job you were enjoying - but do you understand WHY you were tempted and acted upon it? If not, then I think it will help you to reflect on it, so that you understand why it happened, so that you won't ever be tempted to do something like that again, but will understand yourself better.

Making mistakes, even bad ones, happen, and you can move forward from this but you need to take some time to understand yourself and then also forgive yourself

You sound very lacking in self confidence too, so maybe some therapy might help you

No judgement from me here.

I'm not judging you for the act itself.

But why on earth would you steal money. it will so obviously get you fired.

They count and check money everywhere.

I’m going to put this here for you again.

This won’t define you, and it will get better.

Oh you poor silly bugger. Look, we all make mistakes, you made a very silly one but it's not the end of the world. Could you change career, study for. a bit and move into an entirely different type of industry?

Sending hugs and support.

it'll take some time to process this, don't rush. And I think you need to talk it through, if you can't face speaking to friends yet are/were you in a union? They may have a counselling service, or the Samaritans at least. They won't be able to advise but they'll listen.

It was brave to admit what you did on here as people can now advise better rather than imagining you may have done something huge.

I'd say remain proportionate. The company were of course within their rights to apply gross misconduct for theft and I'm not glossing over your mistake but I promise you stealing £50 will not define your life or prevent you from rebuilding your career.

Were there any mitigating factors such as being desperate for money? Perhaps your union (if any) could advise on any right to appeal.

I would get registered with some employment agencies. You just need to get rebuilding some experience post this last job.

The main thing is to reflect on why this happened and how to prevent it happening again.

Oh op. It's okay, bloody hell I've got a criminal record for worse than that and I have a great job now, it was in the past, and yours will be in the past too. You've done something stupid, but it's not the end of the world so try to not catastrophise.

Did you really need the money? Or was there another reason you did it? Try and get yourself some support so that you can make sure you don't end up in this situation again but after doing that - just forgive yourself. This is not worth spiralling into depression over, you've got to pick yourself up, accept your mistakes and crack on to better yourself from now forward. You can do it 😊

Sending you a virtual hug OP.

Just remember- everything happens from a reason, you are destined fir something better and this is the push you need to make it happen.Think hard, self employment maybe?

I really hope things get better for you x

Aw lovely. Most of us have made a bad decision/poor decision in life. The main thing is we learn, and ultimately move on but it's very tough and raw right now. No judgements here. Sending a ton of support your way x

What a great post, full of empathy and compassion.

OP, read this one and maybe save it somewhere you can re-read. You won't always feel this bad, you will be happy again and you can re-build your career.

Lovely warm response 👏🏻

Don’t let toxic shame eat you up. You did many good things in your life whilst working there, and will do so again. You mad a bad decision, we’ve all stepped out of line at times.. read about shame and try and forgive the person you were that day, cause you’ve done some learning. And are someone healing and improving from the experience..

Practically; are they reporting this to the police? Asking for any cautions or convictions or anything? Did you negotiate anything around your reference? Like a neutral reference with just employment dates? It’s unlikely they’d agreed but did you speak about it?

I lost my job due to performance after being there 10 years
There was a lot of crying the first week but I gave myself that first week then set out to get any job I could
Took a care job, loved it but wasn't enough money to live on but after that I applied for another job, was honest at interview and got it. I've been there 6 years now