Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

Calm down. 🙄 We are all entitled to post what we like based on our own experiences. All workplaces are different, and I have known of several that have given people a second chance for things that should have been an in instant dismissal.

No you're quite right, I just didn't want to say anything definite as it crossed my mind there may have been an agreement not to involve the police or something (badly worded).

Yes this is what I would do, but some posters are saying 'don't do that OP!' No reason for her to not ask for an appeal, or appeal to their better nature and ask for a second chance.

Of course, if the OP would rather not, and prefers to take her standard reference and move on, (into another job,) then of course she should do that.

No-one here can tell the OP what is the right thing to do for her.

Good luck @b0rnSad Don't beat yourself up lovely. We have ALL done things we regret (and shouldn't have done.) I hope you feel better soon, and everything works out well for you, whatever you decide.

The OP presumably knows she was fairly dismissed and that she did wrong. However that doesn’t mean she’s not entitled to feel upset or to try and move on with her life.

OP has already asked the company for a second chance. They are short-staffed anyway. Company has said 'no'.

Oh yeah I see she did say that a couple of hours ago, I never noticed that post at the time. Sorry @b0rnSad Again I wish you well and hope things work out well for you.

This is really good advice.

Sometimes the only lesson is that the world is unjust and unfair and sometimes it is us, not others who are getting rained on by a cloud of shit. We try to make sense of things and that too can be a waste of our valuable time and energy. You were in an emergency situation with regards to food, you made a survival decision, there were other better choices. You have learned now you have to pick up, dust off and move on.

The same thing nearly happened to me. As it happens, it came down to "quit or we'll fire you." I chose to quit, and it was the best thing for me.

The thing that happened, I won't go into. I did a stupid thoughtless thing on the spur of the moment. But in my defense, my mental health was in a VERY poor place. In hindsight, I shouldn't have even been there. But I was, and the thing happened, and it went on to change my life.

But let me tell you OP, that was nearly 6 years ago now, and I've since had THE happiest 6 years of my life.
One terrible mistake doesn't have to be the be all and end all of everything.

Re the stealing, if it was a one off bad decision I wouldn’t beat myself over it. Of course it was wrong, but you have learned your lesson.
Not worse than people who « forget » they had packs of nappies under the buggy at the supermarket / share a Netflix account with another household / are paid cash in hand / receive single person council tax discount even though they live with a partner, etc.

Oh OP of course it’s normal to feel like this, we all make mistakes but shame is a horrible destructive emotion and will take some time for you to process. I wonder if you could do some sort of charity work for a short spell that might help you atone and forgive yourself.
(I don’t think you need to but it might help you feel better).
Sending hugs to you.

I think you should research entrepreneurs who made mistakes and lost it all - only to rebuild. While I don't know you - considering the background you came from and the fact you were on track for a manager's position - you must have what it takes to make it. These things don't fall into people's laps unless they have the right personality. Dust yourself off, learn from your mistake and go forward and rebuild - I thin if you did this before you can do it again.

Some of these answers are truly mind boggling.

In option sharing a Netflix account with another household is worse than putting your hand in your employers till and stealing 50 quid, I’m sure the op feels all the better for knowing that. 🤯

To realise we are all human and make mistakes, there's a lesson in everything and you now know not to do it again.

You did it for a reason whatever that was.

Yeah I think my example of tradesmen who work for the council, doing a 40 minute job, and logging it as 1 and a half hours, or the manager who had 2 and a half hour lunch breaks (by exaggerating how much time he spent with clients/customers) was a better example. THEY are stealing. Stealing time from their employer. That's the same as stealing money.

Sure, and I’d fire for that too, but it isn’t a race to the bottom. I’m sure she knows there are other things you can do wrong.

OP, you can’t change the past. You can influence the future. I really wish you well.

Yes to this.

OP, I'd give myself a certain number of days to feel terrible. Five days? Seven? Ten?

Then I'd slap myself in the face, give myself a stern talking to, and set about getting another job.

I do think you need to reflect on self sabotage.

Maybe also investigate budgeting apps, if necessity lay behind the theft. Also, there are food banks, and cheap food that might tide you over. You could use BOGO deals to make a little stash of pasta, tuna, beans, lentils, etc, that could stretch your income.

I think you’ve taken the consequences of your actions on the chin, you have owned your mistake and are remorseful. Obviously the same company will not hire you again but they are willing to give you a basic reference, take it, move on and never ever do it again.

Maybe when looking for a job you look for something not involving handling money. Build up trust and more references so you can eventually drop this employer as a reference. Or if you haven’t been there long drop them off your cv.

As for friends and family, they don’t need to know the real reason. It was over 30 years after one of my grandmothers (maternal) stopped visiting us that I found out my other grandmother (paternal)had banished her from our town. P grandmother told M grandmother if she saw her again she’d regret it. I’m not sure of the exact words but that was the gist. The two grandmothers got on ok, but we’re 2 very different women with different values. Unfortunately my M grandmother was very light with her fingers, always had been, so were my M aunts. The M grandmother made the mistake of shoplifting in front of my P grandmother who went ballistic. I wasn’t there as I was just a child, but I can picture the scene 😬

Food banks - not all food banks need referrals. Look on your local Facebook groups and ask are there any local food banks, also ask your DCs school. You can make anonymous posts. There are a few around here that don’t ask questions.

I work in HR and theft is clear gross misconduct.... no matter the reason unfortunately, the trust is gone. (I know that OP knows this and has already asked if they would reconsider and they've said no.) I would caution against launching an appeal which, gently will add more stress for the OP and is highly unlikely to change the decision. They have offered a reference which is reasonable of them.

OP, in answer to your question then yes, I think it's very normal to feel the way you are feeling. What I would encourage you to do is to realise that this shame and guilt you are feeling is showing you that you regret your actions and will never do it again. It's a hard lesson but something you can learn from and absolutely will move on from. So I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, you did something wrong and have been punished enough. There's no point in continuing to punish yourself so allow some time to feel bad and then focus on how you move forward from this.

I would make sure you have a plan with what you tell people, including future employers. Do not say you were fired, you can say something non committal about feeling it is time for you to seek a new opportunity (which it is). I agree with PPs that temping is often a good option to get your foot in the door with different companies.

This doesn't define you, it's a lesson you have learned and one day you will put it all behind you. Good luck.

I know this is very hard, OP, but it absolutely could have been worse. They haven't involved the police, and they have agreed to give you a reference. So you can absolutely move on from this without a trace. You'll be able to get another job, and you've learned a huge lesson from this one.

In a way, it's good that you got caught out. Imagine if you hadn't, and you'd taken more over a longer period of time. You would be in a far worse position then. Now it's just a one-off mistake that you're paying the price for and will be able to learn from and let go.

It's horrible now and you must be feeling so anxious and low. But please do confide in a friend and get a hug. You are not a bad person and you still deserve to have friends and fun and a good life. Don't let this one mistake define you.

I was in the same position as you many years ago. I remember the utter despair and the guilt so bad that I couldn’t eat. My actions were totally out of character and I felt like I had no idea who I was, I was lost and painfully disappointed in myself.

Looking back now I understand my actions. I couldn’t at the time due to the fog I was under. You’ll be able to understand yourself and forgive yourself in time.

In my case, I took the first job I was offered to avoid a gap in my CV. Whilst there I started looking for other work that I actually wanted. Now I’m working my dream job and I genuinely love every day there. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that everything would work out. I can’t do that obviously but I can tell you that so many more people have been in a similar position and things have turned out ok. Don’t beat yourself up, we’re all human

It's not the amount it's the loss of trust that got you fired.

You're now out of work so maybe able to use a food bank.

You'll get a very short reference I suspect. Accept that and apply for another job.

I sacked an employee for threatening physical harm to our manager. He didn't fight it because I'd liaised with ACAS. He did get another job but ended up in prison for GBH.

I do feel sorry for you. You made a very bad decision, and you are aware it was a huge mistake, and you're paying heavy consequences. But the consequences could be worse- your employer could be refusing a reference or even prosecuting you. You will probably feel a bit down about this for a while but you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start afresh.

You need to come up with a believable story for why you suddenly left your previous job, and start applying for new ones. It's not the end of your career, it's just a bump in the road.

Don't be nasty. You don't know what led to her stealing. I'm not saying it's right, of course it isn't, but OP knows that. What's the point of putting the boot in now? Plus if OP had stolen lots of money, she would probably be sitting on a peerage by now, as that's how our country seems to work. Consequences are only for the little people, it would seem.

Exactly. I know a LOT of people as well who are very good at getting five finger discounts by judicious use of the self checkout. I don't do that myself, but it is more common than you'd think.