Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

I was fired for gross misconduct about 25 years ago. A stupid mistake and at the time I felt it was the end of the world. It wasn’t the end of the world of course.

I got help from the Red Cross
https://www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/support-line#why

They can help.

That moment of madness did not define me or my future. It took some unravelling, and lots of tears and anger but it was the catalyst for me to change career paths.

No one knows or would even care about then. We change and evolve as people all the time. You too will see this as yesterday’s news.

I didn’t pass a probation period at a company. The boss invited dh and me round to his house for dinner and his wife made a pass at DH. In another room. So as he didn’t play her game, I was out. Obviously couldn’t stay anyway. I had already been told I was the third person doing that job in a year.

So moving on: agency job, which was then offered on a permanent basis. Then got a job with a LA and persuaded new employer to send me to college on day release. Never looked back. I eventually became a principal officer in my LA - around 8 years later and lots of hard work studying.

So I would try and study. You might be better than you think. Try for an apprenticeship. They aren’t all for teens. Do not ever misbehave again and show everyone what you can do. I got the last laugh: the company with the shit boss got rid of him.

Sometimes the worst mistakes can be defining and change your life for the better.

Can I ask gently was it the first time and you got caught, or had you done it before and just this is the first time you actually got caught?

I think it’s important to understand why you did it. Was it greed, did you desperately need the money?

you don’t need to tell anyone why you were fired, but you do likely need to say you no longer work there, say something like a number of people let go due to costs or something. You don’t need to admit you robbed them. But explaining you no longer work there will give you avenues to get emotional support from friends and family.

have you negotiated a reference with them, as in will they give a basic reference and not mention it, a lot of companies do this to allow the person to stand a chance of being employed elsewhere. We do. You’re not the first to do this and won’t be the last sadly, and everyone we have fired over this sort of thing, and it’s the predominant reason, have all lost their jobs for very small sums of money.

give yourself time to go through the emotions, but try to get back on the horse, start applying for other roles, start thinking of the back story to use why you left. It is important you do not tell potential future employers the real reason.

was it retail or hospitality? I’m guessing it was a cash business. If it was retail or hospitality you will have transferable skills, and can think wider on where you can apply.

so give yourself some time, but not much more, and start looking to the future with optimism, looking for other jobs, and then put this behind you.

Gosh, your all nicer than me! She's a thief.
I don't even feel the tiniest bit sorry for her. Stealing is not a mistake. A mistake is something you do unintentionally in error. You cannot steal by mistake.

Did you have a compassion bypass?
Of course stealing is wrong, nobody is denying that but OP is obviously struggling with her situation and you sticking the boot in won't help.

OP, I resigned before I was sacked for Gross Misconduct many years ago from a really good job that I loved. I was deeply ashamed and thought my career was over but it wasn't and I did go on to bigger and better things.
Just try to learn why you did what you did and make sure that you don't do anything similar ever again and it will all be ok eventually

I think there’s a lot of misplaced sympathy in the replies here. Stealing money is not a ‘mistake’. It’s a calculated act, in the hope you won’t get caught.

How understanding of you. Thanks for pointing that out when the OP's distraught.

We need more compassionate folk like you in the world.

Have you never done something impulsive? Had a drink too many? Eaten something you shouldn't have?

Things that happen in seconds don't give you much time for your higher faculties to kick in. The moment you have done it, it's too late to undo. It's a mistake. It wasn't a well considered action.

People's survival instincts are hardwired. They kick in and grab opportunities that your higher brain wouldn't even notice. I think that's why we misbehave under stress- those survival instincts ramp up and overwhelm our rational brain.

OP, it's possible that this is for the best, that you have been interrupted in a negative behaviour that could have become a habit if it had succeeded.

Get some therapeutic support to help you work out what drove the behaviour and give you strategies to stop it happening again.

Immediate thought on reading this is that it's highly unlikely OP was caught for the first 50 quid she stole. Ime a person who steals does so for a number of reasons. So it very much depends on the reason. Needing money desperately to feed your children is one thing, a gambling or drug addiction is another, just wanting a new dress another. I know someone who steals for the thrill of having got away with it yet has lots of money. So OP I think to move on you need to become self aware and honest with yourself around the reason and work out if you're devastated because you commited a crime or because you were caught. If you're stuck with a problem such as gambling or debt there are many organisations who can help

I think everyone is just trying to recognise how fragile she’s feeling. Yes she did something stupid, but it doesn’t lessen her feelings right now.

I think everyone would agree stealing is not a mistake, it is indeed a deliberate act in which you hope you won’t get caught, and robbing your employer is daft as you will always ultimately get caught. Hence why I was curious if she’d done it before, and just got caught this time. Often people start with small sums, a fiver or a tenner and build up.

howver the fact remains she did it, she was caught, and she’s lost her job, her income, her friends and is dealing with the shame and fall out from it.

as said we have fired for this, and the person is always traumatised and ashamed , like the op, they don’t want people to know they were robbing their employer. From a management perspective it is unfathomable to us, we train and we train,they know the outcome of doing it, but still some do it and think they won’t be caught, they then lie about it, and then they loose their jobs, for very small sums of money. It is never worth it.

hut the op is where she is, and it doesn’t change how traumatised and gutted she will be feeling right now, even though she did it to herself.

I don't know why the sympathy .

People saying it's a mistake are wrong , it's a deliberate act , a choice .

All you saying were you desperate for money how do you know she didn't steal £50 off a single mum hoping to feed her kids for a week.
OP herself says she was lucky to be given a chance off benefits but what does she do , steal from. someone . I get people here wouldn't be so tolerant if it was their £50 she took .

Genuinely it was the first ever time. I've no reason to lie here. First and last ever time.
I wouldn't say I was desperate but the extra money did allow me to buy staple food for meals.

It was the first time I had ever done it. I was running out of food and I had only a few pounds to try and make things stretch.
The other comments about why so much sympathy is really why I don't want to reach out to people. I'm already at an extreme low, I couldn't handle people in my real life being disgusted with me.
Old employer is happy to give me basic reference which I'll be grateful of.

I am hoping it won't be as raw soon but it doesn't feel like that's the case. I am gutted, I would give anything to turn back the clock and not do it

People who know you won't turn you into a cartoon villain. They will understand- be disappointed, but won't forget the you they know because of one new action.

OP, I had a lot of shame about how I left a job years ago. Different situation, but I too felt unable afterwards to talk to anyone about it. I empathise, and would encourage you to find a way to talk it through - a phone line?
I couldn’t go back to the same industry, and needed to start afresh. I built up again by temping, studying, then getting an entry level job completely unrelated to previous ones.
The temping was really important: money coming in, feeling useful and employable, creating new entries for your CV and even getting a new reference. It’s also fairly stress free due to lack of responsibility.
Best of luck, it’s so hard feeling ashamed but you will get through it.

Feel very sorry for you. Sounds like it was a moment of madness, that you won't repeat.

You know you'll never do it again and you'll get a basic reference which means you'll be able to move on. So you will be ok.

It will stop feeling so raw soon.

I wouldn't be telling people about it, to be honest. One day you will be able to, but not right now.

I agree with this. People can be very black and white on MN. In real life most people won't condemn someone who is usually a good person but fucked up one time. I've done much worse stuff than this and been forgiven because my friends and family could view my behaviour in the context of the very nice person I usually am!

I am really sorry you are feeling so dreadful. People who intentionally do these sorts of things very rarely feel bad so take it as a positive you are aware you did something wrong. Be kind to yourself, trust your family and maybe see the doctor about how you are feeling. There will be a way to frame this so you can move forward and have a great career. Many people who have done much worse get other jobs and so will you. My ex colleague was skimming money off of several clients and even his own families accounts and he is still working.
You did one silly thing, that does not make you a bad person.
What would you like to do next, try and think of some short term contracts you would like to get your confidence back.

I'm not commenting on the OP's situation here, but you really can't compare stealing to the scenarios below. That's just ridiculous.

@AGlinnerOfHope
Have you never done something impulsive?
Had a drink too many?
Eaten something you shouldn't have?

Food bank referrals are easily accessible. Justification isn’t the way to go here. You need to completely own what you did. You don’t need to make a public announcement but you do need to accept what you did to yourself, without excuses. You had options which didn’t require you to steal. If you don’t fully accept your faults here, you may do it again. Perhaps have therapy to figure out why this was the option you chose.

Mohing forward, if your old employer is happy to give a generic reference then start applying for other jobs. Come up with a reason you left; too far to travel, bad transport links, shift times no longer convenient etc. Just get back out there and look for a new job.

Ok you have learned an important lesson - you need more money than you were earning. You can job hunt, be positive about your old job and put in place ways to earn more than you did (better job, cheaper commute, casual evening work etc). You got a job before so you can get one again.

maybe you will need therapy to help you process the fact that you came from very little money and how that has impacted you.

I was reading the 'silly mistake' comments with disbelief until I saw yours which is the voice of reason.

A thief in the workplace deserves all they get.

OP, crime doesn't pay as you've now found out so instead of weeping and wailing to get sympathy which is in extremely bad taste you need to make sure you never ever resort to stealing again.

A sob story just doesn't wash. Many people have come from impoverished backgrounds but have sound morals and would never steal from their workplace or anywhere else.

Patting a thief on the back and saying it's just a silly mistake is a disservice to the OP. Stealing is a serious offence and major character flaw.

@b0rnSad I think it's expected to feel crappy about what you did and what's happened but you won't feel like this forever.
It's great that your employer will give you a basic reference.
Just try to focus on moving forward and getting another job. Dwelling on what's happened won't change anything.
I hope you find work soon.

I think the fact you’re getting a basic reference is a huge positive. So you need to give yourself a deadline to stop feeling so bad, and then apply for new jobs asap. If money was tight, then I assume there is now a financial urgency, although if I’m honest you do seem a bit hesitant to say that was fully the driver.

you’re getting a reference, no one will know. So try to out it behind you and start to look for new jobs asap.