Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

OP, people have done worse and moved on from it.

Many years ago, when I was working overseas I needed to come back for a while due to family issues and the company let me work in a UK office for a few months. We dealt with large sums of cash and one of the women became friendly with me then stole a few thousand pounds and tried to frame me for it. Huge internal investigation with fraud and compliance involved, luckily the manager called her bluff and she confessed and admitted it all and that she tried to frame me for it. Would have completely ruined my return overseas if she'd been believed. She was fired then a couple of years later she had an even better job with another company in the industry, just no direct dealings with cash. I wouldn't lose hope of something else coming along for you soon.

At least you didn't try and ruin someone else for what you did.

I’m so sorry for you. We all make mistakes. Get your reference and get back on track. You’ve done it once before, you can do it again. Don’t let this derail your life.

I must say I’m really moved by these responses - it’s restoring my faith in people. Lovely to read empathy and kindness. I expected to read some horrible judgemental kick a person when they’re down posts.

im sorry you’re in this position OP. Don’t punish yourself any longer. It’s in the past. We all make poor decisions/ monumental fuck ups sometimes. Xx

This is quite sad. The times we live in.

I've had to sack people for gross misconduct before and from our side as well, it's also horrible. It's really upsetting. I had to sack someone for being drunk at work- the job involved driving and looking after vulnerable people so I had no choice as it was putting others at risk. The person was devastated and begged me for another chance but I couldn't risk other people's lives.

I did support her though to get help and told her she was always welcome to keep in touch if she ever wanted support or even just a chat about how she was doing. She had so many problems and I suspect alcohol was the only coping mechanism she had. I hugged her when she left and I hoped she would keep in contact but she never did. I often wonder how she is now, I hope she managed to conquer it.

I agree with a previous poster about the important distinction between shame and guilt. Guilt, when appropriate is healthy as it is our subconscious warning us that we have crossed a boundary. It's about our behaviour. Shame, on the other hand tells us that there is something wrong with us as a person and thats not healthy. Good people are capable of doing ill advised things and I think acknowledge it and move on with a positive focus that you have learnt from it. We all make mistakes and as long as we learn from them- thats how we improve as people.

Best of luck.

That’s very unusual. Any company having that level of theft would normally involve the police, as very hard to hide the losses as well.

I think the fact you feel so bad is a positive. It shows real remorse and has clarified that this is not the person you want to be. You can move on from this. One step at a time.

Sorry but I don’t understand your comment. What is different between stealing money (let’s assume a physical note) from a company that employs you and stealing money (using a paid for service without paying the fee) from another company?
I have ASD and a very black/white mind so please don’t think I’m being obtuse on purpose, it is a genuine question.

@Otherstories2002

You’re right - stealing so you can buy food is desperately sad

I don't understand this comment?

It is like asking what is the difference between murder and pinching someone on the bum. Very different scales.

I agree. I'm very sympathetic to the OP and I do agree that there are forms of stealing that aren't seen as such, but the Netflix example really doesn't cut it. A better example would be people who find a way to start late/leave early and aren't caught for years and years.

I can’t answer for the poster concerned, but I used to work for a large retailer. I remember in my training that we were told we would be automatically sacked if we even ate a single sweet in the stockroom that had rolled out of a bag that had arrived ripped.

She stole £50, a year using someone’s subscription would equate to that amount (or just two months in ‘premium’), wouldn’t it?

Or is it because it is cash vs use of a service?

I promise I’m not a troll! Just realising my thought process differs from everybody it seems.

It is as she is robbing her own employer. They need to trust staff in a cash business not to steal from the till. It isn’t about the amount, or comparable issues, of some random using Netflix of their mate, it is about the fact she robbed her own employer.

OP, I don’t know if you are still reading these, but I hope the thread has helped.

I have found it quite heartwarming that most people aren’t judging you; only a small minority have been unkind. Now try and keep that in mind in real life - most people are kind and not judgemental. Good luck.

Spend your time focusing on how to move forward and not focusing on something you can’t change. I know it sounds easy, but give yourself an amount of time to feel bad about it and then focus forward. Staying in a failing spot can be awful.

Having a great job is awesome, but it sounds like you were heavily invested in your workplace - work, friends, future etc.

Work isn’t a place for friends. Yes you can have work friends but when things happen putting all your eggs in one basket can be devastating.

it’s an unfortunate life lesson and one you won’t make again.

Hey, I know this is months old but I’m going through this now.
I didn’t steal anything but I was caught with my boss on a works night out. I can’t remember much of the night including the specifics because I was so drunk.
in learning some really hard lessons and feeling so so down. This was my dream and perfect job and I’ve thrown it all away.
I just don’t know how I’m ever going to recover mentally or in my career.

I know it won't seem like it now, but one day you will look back and put it down to life lessons and you'll be able to smile. I promise. Keep looking - better things will come.

Thank you, I really hope so.
Right now I feel like I’ve thrown my whole life away.

The fact they are agreeing to a basic reference is A GIFT op.

Its very standard to only confirm dates employed as a reference now (in the main thanks to litigious Americans I believe)

Have a bath / shower / a good cry and learn from it.
Then get out there and get applying. This isn't the end.
I wouldnt go back to your employer except to thank them for their graciousness and say you want them to know you learned from this .

Keep going, keep trying and keep your head up.
People have done much worse and come back from it. Honestly they have.

I think you should start a new thread @FizzyMess .

My first question would be whether your boss is also being dismissed, whether there is a case against him regarding his position of superiority and whether the company owe you a duty of care, if it was a works night out, who was paying for the alcohol, if you were so drunk you do not remember, could you have consented, or was this something that was going on before?

You don't have to answer these? but you might want to get your thoughts in order, speak to ACAS https://www.acas.org.uk/. to see if you can consider an unfair dismissal claim (if you have been employed for more than 2 years) or if you can contact a solicitor who can support you to get the best from this situation for you - ie a neutral reference, payment in lieu of notice .. maybe even a negotiated reference..

Whatever you do, find someone to talk to in real life, a career coach maybe - you got this job, you are capable of getting another one - there are more and better employers out there.

You may need to consider what led you to be in this situation and to alter your behaviours but you are not the first person to have a relationship at work and most certainly are not the last.