Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

It's quite harsh to ascribe her entire identity to being a "thief" after one, stupid decision. It was wrong, she knows that. But we've all done stupid things which we knew were wrong, maybe not this extreme, but none of us are perfect. Normally, we walk away, maybe feeling a bit guilty. Perhaps we are then emboldened to do it over and over again until we get caught, perhaps we realise we got lucky and resolve to never do it again. The difference is that she got caught the first time and I think she knows she's never going to do it again.

There may be some places doing food surplus or community food parcels where you are, you can often find Facebook groups for them. They don't ask questions and you don't need to be referred or unemployed or anything.

Olio and Too Good 2 Go may also be an option for you? Olio is great because you can find food in very close proximity to you that would otherwise just be thrown away and it's really easy to be chosen/arrange.

@b0rnSad

It's understandable you feel like that even though it was your mistake or mistakes lead up to this course of action

I think 🤔 a time period of reflection on what and why things went wrong and what lessons to learn from this

It's a bloody steep learning curve

However it will pass

I am just wondering what transferable skills you have could be useful beneficial moving forwards ?

@b0rnSad the feelings of shame tell you that it's not the real you who stole. If you didn't care and if you thought it was okay to behave like that then you wouldn't feel so awful.

You can move on from this and you will.

You sound like a true survivor who has worked their way up and has further potential. You will look back on this as learning and grow from it. Please don't get pulled down into a negative spiral.

You made a mistake in a split second but you've been brilliant for much longer than that.

Please get some help if you are struggling financially as pp suggested food banks etc. and please be kind to yourself and pick yourself up and go out there and get a new job.

I wish you lots of luck.

@b0rnSad

You could look up at gaining extra skills from volunteering at various different charties and organisations. to add ehance your cv

Crying is actually a good way of processing things.

You can and should move on with your life, but it would do you no harm to hold on to a bit of the shame and disappointment you feel in yourself right now, it’ll make you think twice if you’re ever tempted to steal again.

Some charities might be hesitant to take on a volunteer who’s just been sacked for theft, though it would depend on what she was doing, clearly.

OP, I think it's really important to acknowledge no-one, no one at all, gets through life without making some serious mistakes they regret. That is part of life. The most important thing is to learn from them.

You have nothing to lose by writing to your manager and explaining your circumstances. This was something you had never done before and it was an act of desperation because you didn't have enough money for food. You loved your job, you miss it terribly and you would never do it again. You now realise you should have explained your circumstances and asked for an advance. You hope they recognise this was out of character and an impulsive act brought on by the stress of not having enough money for food, If they would consider giving you a second chance, they would not regret it as you have more than learned your lesson. You could end by saying you are very grateful that they will give a basic reference.

As for food banks, you do not have to be unemployed - definitely not. Nor do you have to be referred by a social worker. You can go to the vicar of a local church and ask them to refer you. Some food banks (not Trussell I think) allow self referral. You turn up and the workers there refer you themselves. I used to work for one like that. Please look into it.

Can you start applying for other jobs similar to your recent one. If you need to explain why you left just say you had personal circumstances that made it impossible for you to continue there or that led to you needing to take a brief break form work while you sorted them out.

You will get back on your feet. This is just a blip. Everyone has them. they are so tough while you are in them, but you will come through this.

You dont sound like a looser, OP. Its understandable you feel shit in this situation.
I think that the people on here saying you are a thief etc. have never been in a situation being hungry with no money for food. Plus given your backround, its understandable its triggering for you.

You poor love please don't beat yourself up too much, referencing your background etc is catastrophising imo.

Look after yourself, it's a life lesson as others have said, try not to "harden". You will find a way through this. 💐

You likely made a split second decision with temptation of thd money being there and you needing it to feed your family. You have been punished by losing your job and livelihood. No need to punish yourself any further. People have done a lot worse.

You will get a reference so you will get another job, all is not lost. You give a general reason why you left your last job. It won’t be on your reference that you were fired?

In the meantime, assuming you are going to be claiming benefits for a while, can you address your financial situation? Advice from debt/benefits advisors. Any funded courses you can do while on benefits to improve your earnings?

Getting on a University course with a student maintenance loan if you a University near you? You can also still get Universal Credit for housing costs if you are a single parent in rented accommodation. Most Unis accept mature students who have work experience if you don’t have A levels/BTEC.

I agree with PP advising you to own it. Someone was going to pay the price for this & fortunately it was the right person in you. I was fired for gross misconduct because someone stole money & I didn’t realise. You also need to think about how your actions affect other people & somebody else could have been fired instead of you.

however, I can sympathise with you, life right now is so hard & I appreciate you may have felt you had no options left. It’s great your old employer will give you a decent reference, my advice is to start looking & jump back on immediately before the pressure mounts & you have to explain long employment gaps. Forgive yourself & move on it’s done now. Good luck Op x

Think about it. Even if you did manage to get back there. Every shortage, all eyes would be on you. Even if you never touched a penny again, you carry a taint with that company. You need a fresh start, that's the only way.

I was going to say the same. Even if you ever so much as picked up a 10p piece from the floor and forgot to give it to the person who dropped it, it would be assumed you'd been dishonest.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's a hard lesson for you, and one you've taught yourself.

Wishing you luck in getting another job.

Op even though it doesn't seem like it things will get better. Five years ago tomorrow I was fired for gross misconduct, (for chatting to other members on teams while supposed to be working). I felt like you did, I was a zombie, couldn't eat, sleep all I did was cry.
I applied for any and every job I could see. Within two weeks I had a 3 month temp job, still there now and even been promoted.
Apply for anything and everything (admin, factory, warehouses, care, cleaning). Temping will get your foot in the door somewhere and build up different experiences. If you have a basic reference and they ask why you left just say it came to a mutual end.

Well you are never going to do it again are you. Everyone has made a mistake.
I hope you feel better and get a new job soon.

Don't despair, OP. This is a hard lesson, but life lessons lead you to a better place. Work is giving you a basic reference so you're not quite starting from scratch. You will never make this mistake again - you know now that you didn't need that money so much that it was worth losing your job and prospects for. If you don't get work immediately, maybe consider doing a bit of volunteer work to buoy up your sense of self-worth. When you do get another job, make sure you put even tiny amounts of money in an emergency fund together with some back-of-the store cupboard staples (eg tins of Aldi rice pudding, 25p) - so you have a safety net. Good luck for the future.

Many years ago a small business gave an ex Prisoner a chance when no one else would.

( I knew someone who worked there)
The ex Prisoner ironically stole £50 ( at a time when £50 was worth far more in real terms)

He was sacked immediately- but the person whose business it was was really hurt by it-
They said they’d gone against advice taking this person on- and never would take a chance again on someone with a dodgy background for theft.

OP get a new job and keep your nose clean!
Good luck. 👍

The brilliant thing about retail is it’s a meritocracy- if you’re willing to work hard and have some common sense you’ll get on. You’ve learned a load of transferable skills. If your previous employer will provide a reference then there are loads of jobs out there.

learn the lesson and go and have a great career elsewhere.

I was a manager in the hospitality industry in a previous life, and unfortunately I had to dismiss a number people for gross misconduct. Usually theft, of one form or another. In that environment, it was just part of my job but it never got any easier, because most of them were young people who became very emotional when they realised the consequences of their actions and that apologising wasn’t going to change anything. Some were students who were terrified of their parents’ reaction and that it would affect their future career prospects.

I always tried to offer them sensible advice and gave them a neutral reference. I told them that the matter was now closed, the police or their uni or their parents wouldn’t be informed and that the incident shouldn’t affect their future. Most got other jobs in due course, put it behind them & got on with their lives.

I’m sure you will do the same, OP, after you have got over the initial shock. It’s not the end of the world, so chin up & best foot forward. Good luck.

Start to make a plan going forwards to make yourself employable again. Take this as an opportunity to get your basic qualifications - you may be able to register to do Maths and English free through whatever community education programmes are available locally - ask at your library.

If you can find a job, take whatever you can. Unfortunately, you’re not yet in a position to pick and choose. If you can’t get a job, or don’t feel confident enough to go back into the workplace, then take a volunteering role. Something regular so that when you need a reference, they can say that you are reliable, trustworthy etc. Giving something back through volunteering may also help you emotionally with moving past what you have done.

Take the advice already given about revising your finances and building a safety net so you don’t end up in the same position again.

Good luck. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you do next that counts.

Side point, but what sort of things did they steal? Surely people didn't get dismissed for taking toiletries or biscuits? Bigger things than that?

OP it’s normal to feel so bleak about this.

Unfortunately this happened and now it’s up to you what you do next.

I’d say allow yourself the time to grieve. Really let it all out and even put aside some time to process what happened. It’s fair like you said but it’s also unfair. Give yourself permission to feel all the emotions from rage to bitterness or whatever comes up for you. Journal about it, shout into the wind, dance it out shake it off. Whatever you prefer but let these emotions out.

How long do you think you need to process through this?

I’m asking you for a timeline on this as you appear to have your head screwed on. As tough as it is I have the feeling that you can totally work through this.

Leave this behind you, you’ve learned from this already.

then look to the future. I haven’t RTFT but @Lampslights outlined a great plan of action. If you move on from this (and manage to forgive yourself!) this will be just a blip for you. You’re smart and capable.

you got this.

Cash (this was in the days when most people payed by cash in the bars & restaurants). Alcohol (mainly bottles of spirits & champagne). Steaks & other meats. Kitchen equipment & utensils. Anything which wasn’t tied down, basically.

I'm surprised they didn't think they'd be fired if they were caught stealing stuff like that.

Although I was sort of hoping someone had tried to slip a bed out of a window. "Me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars..."