Fired for gross misconduct, how to move on

[b0rnSad]

A week ago I got fired from my job, for gross misconduct. I don't really want to go into the details but I also don't know how to move on.

It seems if I'm not asleep, I'm crying. I feel quite bleak about the future. I miss my job, I miss the friends I made. I really enjoyed it and was on track for a managers position which makes it all the more harder to swallow.

I haven't got any real life friends to talk about this. So I just want to know if it's normal to feel like this? I almost feel stupid for being upset and gutted considering it was my own actions that led to this. I wish I had realised what I was at risk of loosing 😖

Please tell me I'm not a complete looser and I will feel better soon

I was sacked from a job once. It was a really hard time. I cried lots.

For many jobs aren’t just a way to pay the bills, they are a sense of identity, things we enjoy doing, they offer hope for promotion and better life prospects. It’s totally normal to be grieving for this and to be feeling wretched about what happened and what you did.

The important thing is to not let it define you but to learn from it and move forward. When you feel ready write a basic plan: update CV, apply for jobs, practice how you are going to explain why you left your previous role.

Do look at food banks and other support structures and when you’re ready you can tell friends if you like. If you were my friend I’d give you a big hug, make you a cup of tea, let you cry about it and then try to help you move forward when you’re ready.

In a month it will be less painful, in a year you will be in a totally different place and moving forward, in 5 years it’ll be a distant memory that you rarely think about .

While the treatment you experienced might not be unfair or unjust it is harsh. I know I was speaking to a HR person who had this issue recently at that scale and where she is they have put people on improvement plans in similar circumstances in the past.

People are people and other than about 1-5% of the population they aren’t good or bad and so are all capable of doing the wrong thing when their back is to the wall.

Even the 1-5% have impaired empathy and insight and aren’t really capable of change so they have their own issues but you clearly don’t belong in that pile @b0rnSad you are just a person who made a mistake and will pay dearly for it.

No judgement from me. You have been punished enough, please don’t punish yourself too, that will not help you. You need to sit with the emotions, learn to deal with them and let them pass through you, be kind to yourself. The punishment is over now, it is done. Don’t start doing it to yourself.

I think you have low self esteem OP. You have come from a life on benefits, you didn't do well at school but had the opportunity to become a manager yet you sabotaged it for £50. If your inner belief is that you don't deserve to have a good job etc then you will always subconsciously do something to align with that belief.

You need to start believing that you are worthy of a job at manager level. The Company who gave you the opportunity thought so and other companies will too. Think of this as a learning curve.

We all make stupid mistakes, think what the fuck possessd me to do that?? Embarrassment, regret, guilt, loss, anxiety over the future are all sloshing about right now. It's all normal and needs to be worked through. Sharing it here's a great start!

I was fired from a job not for GM but for being utterly useless eight years ago. After I'd worked through the shock, denial & gloom stages I begin the climb back up.

First thing I did was reframe what was supposed to be a permanent role and put it in my CV as a fixed term contract. I now believe that myself and can talk about the good things and achievements in that temporary role.

I then piled other stuff on top of it. My own business, an arts/creative strand and several real short term contracts.

So it then got pushed further and further down the CV and now just mingles in with the rest.

I recently finished a brilliant long contract - it took three months before I felt secure and safe, over-delivering, going in every day rather than WFH so I became a known face and voice everywhere. The memory of being fired surged back up and j hadn't realised how much It had affected me. It went very well, great response, nice people. I completed and left a couple of months ago with fab recommendations - and I might as well be dead to them all now. Not a word from any of them.

Your employer and colleagues are not your friends. Your friends are your friends - build and strengthen those friendships, and forge new ones too.

Go for a new job, anything to get an income going again, volunteer to be busy and have something extra for that CV.

The past is always with us - but we create the future ourselves.

All the best xx

In this situation the only people judging you will be ones that have never experienced food poverty before. While yes, you had plenty of other more legal options to you available at the time, we don’t always think rationally when we’re in a situation that feels urgent and immediate. You did something shitty, you fucked your own job and future job prospects up for yourself, that’s the only “kicking” you need, no need for everyone else to pile on and make you feel like shit.

I would actually advise not speaking to people in real life about this. Even those that you trust are likely to change their opinion on you and be wary of allowing you near their home and watching to ensure you’re not pinching money out their purses - happened to my DF’s friend who was caught stealing. No one felt quite able to relax with him around after that.

Is there not an appeals process in your (old) company @b0rnSad ??? Being sacked for stealing £50 seems incredibly harsh. If you could lodge an appeal, and get a union on your side, and someone from C.A.B, and explain your situation - that you were on the bones of your arse, and desperately needed some money, then maybe they can give you a final chance?

I'm surprised they gave you an OK/basic reference to be honest. I have never known an employer do that before, for someone who was sacked.

It’s not really harsh - most places would sack you for theft but the fact that they are offering her a basic reference shows that they probably do have sympathy with her. Also, some places would have got the police involved, which this company didn’t but they can’t turn a blind eye to theft.

WhentheMoonShines
I would actually advise not speaking to people in real life about this. Even those that you trust are likely to change their opinion on you and be wary of allowing you near their home and watching to ensure you’re not pinching money out their purses - happened to my DF’s friend who was caught stealing. No one felt quite able to relax with him around after that.

That is a very good point, I hadn't considered that. Or it would be the flipside of making sure that there is plenty of temptation to show trust. It would be excruciating either way.

The only solution is to not mention the reason, just gross misconduct. I wouldn't push a friend to explain if they didn't want to, beyond that reason.

Once you steal in a cash business, no matter how much or why, it’s game over. There will be no come back for her, and I’m sure you understand why if you think about it, once someone puts their hands in the till the trust is gone. And no one is going to say they did it for any reason other than they were desperate. Plus if they set a precedent, then they need to keep everyone else who robs them. Staff have to be trusted and a zero tolerance policy is the norm.

however we nearly always give a basic reference, in this scenario, as we beleive it it’s important to let the person find another job. Refusing a reference or stating they stole we know would make it very difficult for them in finding suitable alternate employment. And we don’t want to do that. Not for small sums.

I don't think so. A few months prior to me starting, a supervisor was sacked for taking hundreds out of the till, so they've sort of said they had to take the same approach with me to make it fair to previous and future staff members.

I did already try to plead my case with my manager as they are really short staffed now, to the point it's added extra hours on to the other staff who are now finding it stressful as they are being stretched really thin but even with that in mind they've still said absolutely not. But I think it was more the area managers decision.

Which fair enough, I have to accept. Even though if they phoned me up and asked me to come back, I would in a heartbeat. I'd keep my head down and prove to them it was a risk but the right one.

With how shitty I feel right now, there's no amount of desperation that could have me tempted because I never want to feel like this again

Probably because of what LampsLights has posted, OP. That makes sense.

You need to draw a line under that company and make new plans for a job.

OP, You say that you are considering Therapy. Before you do that have you considered speaking to a Christian Minister or Priest? Christianity is very strong on forgiveness and a priest could help you forgive yourself and help you to understand that you can recover your feelings of self worth.
Most are busy people but please try asking someone. You don't need to be a member of their Congregation. Just try asking.
Best Wishes.

The OP isn't trying to justify what she did FFS, she is answering questions about why she did it.

OP please ignore the few people who are being unkind and unhelpful. I would second the suggestion of temping for a while as you'll get a range of experience and build up your confidence again.

A few months prior to me starting, a supervisor was sacked for taking hundreds out of the till, so they've sort of said they had to take the same approach with me to make it fair to previous and future staff members

this protects them from future legal action. Our company does the same, applies policies equitably. And the supervisor won’t be the only one, they will habe had others and there will be others after you.

it won’t have been the area managers decision as such, he or she will habe been applying the policy, it was always a forgone conclusion , I’m sorry. Your managers are just saying they didn’t have a choice.

OK, so fair enough, theft is theft, whether it's £50 or £5000, but there HAS to be an appeals procedure. Every company should have that. If your company won't offer one @b0rnSad I would contact a union, or the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Yes you did wrong of course, but everyone is allowed a fair hearing. I do know someone who was caught pilfering £30 from the petty cash at a restaurant some 6-7 years ago, and she was also struggling financially. Whilst what she did was very wrong, and yeah potentially a sackable offence, the manager made the decision to give her a written warning ... She is still there 7 years on, she has not put a foot wrong since, and is a valuable and hard-working member of staff.

The rules in most companies are theft = gross misconduct = the sack! But rules are meant to be broken, and some people in some companies do far bloody worse and get away with it. I used to know a manager who would go out and visit clients and customers (it would take 3 hours from 9.30am to 12.30pm,) and then he would go to the hairdressers, or his mates, or his mum's, then do some shopping, and tootle around the shops for half an hour to an hour, coming back to the office at 3.00pm.

He was permitted an hour for lunch and extended it to two and a half hours at least once a week... He was also stealing. Stealing time and hours. Pissing about like he was in his own time when he was being paid to work.

Similarly, I have known of MANY tradesmen - electricians, plumbers, carpenters etc, who do a job in 20-40 minutes and put an hour an a half on the job sheet, then sit in their van chilling, chatting to their mates, their wife, and passers-by for an hour, before going to their next job. Again, stealing time from the employer,

So there are all sorts of versions of 'stealing' and in the scheme of things, £50 is fuck-all.

@b0rnSad Do investigate how you can lodge an appeal.

OP, please don't kneejerk react into lodging an appeal. You've already asked them to reconsider, they won't even though they're short-staffed. They've agreed to give you a reference (basic) which will enable you to look for other work (temping as PP suggested is a good option). If you push them into an appeal or even threaten it, you will really piss them off. Don't.

Think about it. Even if you did manage to get back there. Every shortage, all eyes would be on you. Even if you never touched a penny again, you carry a taint with that company. You need a fresh start, that's the only way.

I don't work for a cash business, everything is electronic and thankfully, I have nothing to do with it, but I can really see the distinction and agree with Lamplights' posts.

OP, you need a job as soon as you're able. Get your reference and start looking for one. I temped for about ten years when I was in between jobs, it's a great way to blur your CV on timelines if you need to do that. It would be what I would suggest to a friend. You can try out various companies and do it under the mantle of the temping agency you work for.

If your previous company was good to you and kind about this then, if it would make you feel better, send them a note saying thank you for the opportunity and then move on. Draw a line and start repairing.

Haven’t RTFT (just OP’s posts) but I’ve been in HR for a really long time. I supported a case where a professional health worker used a £40 donation for charity to buy drinks for their team. There was another concern which was proven to be true and they were also dismissed for gross misconduct. They had been there 30 years.

They ended up going self employed and have a successful business now. Is this an option, OP? What sort of work did you do?

This in spades.
A colleague of ours was sacked for “Gross Professional misconduct “ and it was because they had done something really bad overstepping boundaries with a vulnerable female service user.

That’s far worse than being late , for example.

I agree. You probably have the right to appeal unless you've signed a waiver or something. I think I briefly mentioned appealing before updates but knowing more of the story now, I think you're better off moving on and getting a fresh start.

If nothing else it's a huge mental energy drain and keeps you rooted in the last job drama.

It doesn't sound like GM has been applied outwith policy and you've been very honest about your actions so I'm not sure you'd stand much of a chance (that's just my opinion). Then if you did win based on mitigating circs, would it be the same going back? Probably not. Find other work or volunteering opportunities instead.

I have a friend who's never been sacked but seems to often leave jobs in less than happy circumstances then goes down the grievance and appeal route. She invariably loses (big organisations, strong HR teams) and it takes an immense toll on her wellbeing. It's not something I would bother with unless I genuinely felt I had a strong case. There's a lot to be said for moving on in a timely fashion and assessing lessons learnt.

Oh, OP, you made a mistake. Of course you shouldn't have done it, but there was context, you didn't hurt anyone and nobody can say you haven't been punished or it's not been righted, so the atonement is complete. No further self flagellation required. How many of us have done things we shouldn't?

The fact they're still ready to give you a straightforward reference is encouraging. You obviously have the talent to be a manager there, so you can do the same somewhere else.

Don't drag it out with them. Take the life lesson, take the basic reference, move on and be happy.

You probably have the right to appeal unless you've signed a waiver or something.

it’s a legal right. The company has to consider an appeal but only to question whether the outcome was reasonable based on what was known at the time. It’s not a rehearing of the whole case.

you can’t waiver this right but you can choose not to appeal.

Are you joking? It seems like a perfectly measured response. In my workplace, trust is key so even lying is gross misconduct and a sackable offence.

OP you just have to accept you can’t change the past and start looking for another job, knowing you’ll be a better employee this time around because you’ve learnt from your actions. Looking for and getting a new job might be the self esteem boost you need.

Could you explain to your boss and appeal to their better nature? All of us have done things we regret. In future ,maybe get a couple of extra tins ,some weeks if you can. That way you will always have beans on toast or whatever.Maybe your boss may give you a second chance ,ypu never know!

If you didn't feel bad about it then you'd do it again.