Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Because it isn’t about her- it is about the children’s well-being first and foremost.

There are children involved - hers that have to live there.

If you're a friend, you need to ask what is going on. You need to find out her support network or you need to call social services, if it's beyond your skillset to assist or advise. It's probably beyond everyone's skillset to advise, because it doesn't sound like there's a short term solution.

I'd take your children out of there for the night - because it's unreasonable to stay there.

You can always say "Listen, I love you as a friend. But you shouldn't be living like this and I can't let my children stay here."

But only you can make the decision about whether you go back tomorrow and talk to her.

Something in her life is very, very wrong. And her children are suffering.

Sounds like my PILs house, they wonder why their grandkids stopped staying over. It's just got worse over time and I'm NC with them, my "polite" vanished.

My DS got the most awful bites staying in their house that sounds similar. Turns out it was bed bugs my DS were covered head to toe after one night and then my eldest got a secondary skin infection that spread across his whole body and needed antibiotics. We thought he'd be scarred, but it did clear but ruined a whole summer for him.

It's really unsafe to sleep there. Hard nope from me, eat out and get your bags out fast, when you've got your bags out please scrub clean and don't put them in your rooms at home, unpack in the garage, shed and leave them outside, bed bugs are an absolute pain and I have zero doubts that house will be riddled.

Sounds like she is struggling, I would definitely not stay there but could you be honest and ask if she needs help / support?

Sounds like your friend isn’t coping. Perhaps a more sympathetic response would be more
helpful. It really won’t kill anyone to sleep in dirty sheets. Why not get a bottle of wine for after the carvery and see what’s going on?

I think this is quite sad tbh it sounds like she’s struggling to stay on top of things. That being said I wouldn’t be able to stay there. Just say your kids are allergic to cats & book in to a hotel. As your taking her out you can catch up on each others news & she will be none the wiser & that’s best to save her feelings.

I was with her yesterday. I first posted briefly at her house but then again while we were out and my 2 year was sleeping and she was entertaining the other children. Then again at the hotel last night/this morning.

And now in a holiday cottage while my children are being extraordinarily good doing puzzles.

Where did I suggest a woman didn’t deserve any downtime? Exactly what in my post made you come to that conclusion? 🤷‍♀️ genuinely intrigued as I’ve read my words to the letter and it just says “I could not for the life of me sit in my garden with all that mess in my house”

Which, if you read properly rather than coming up with your own interpretation, just simply says what I could/could not do.

For those that missed it -
probably due to my fuck up with my account and having to re register - I spoke to a mutual friend.

My friend and her husband know they live in a shitiole and don’t care! Other people have apparently told them time and time again. Other friends of theirs refuse to stay. I asked if all was ok. Our mutual frIend has known them since uni in 1998. They are close. She said mental health is fine they are just messy, slovenly buggers and always have been.

I didn’t notice it in the old house as they were renting and having to move every year or so, they never had time for it to build up that much. So I knew they were messy from going to their houses when I lived near them, but it wasn’t as bad as this.

No, I can’t help out. I live an hour and a half away.

I am not the only person in their lives. They have lots of other friends more local who could help them, if they wanted it, but they are happy.

I’m not the single handed saviour in this situation. They have other people around them who know them far better abs see them far more than I do.

I say just leave! You don't need to apologize or give a specific reason. Just kindly but firmly say you've changed your mind and are going to leave.. She and her kids can visit you at your hotel.

I have friends like this. They have children and live in utter squalor. Always well turned out, good jobs, children very much loved. But they live in a shit tip. It's just the way they are. I don't get it but not my problem. Lovely people. It's very odd though!

Oh how sad :-( I would invent an excuse like kid sniffly and you don’t want to pass anything on or have terrible pmt and need your own space or something. Say you’ll meet them somewhere for dinner/breakfast. I would suggest if it’s this bad you can’t stay 1 night you report to social services as it sounds like your friend really needs help and it’s in the kids best interests that she gets it.

I don't understand that either, a 3.5 hour journey needs a stop for a meal and a rest at most, not an overnight stop.

Of course it didn’t.

It was just a nice suggestion from her so the older children, who used to go to school together, could have a catch up and a sleepover.

We were passing within 15 mins of her house on the motorway. It wasn’t about the length of journey, it was an excuse for a catch up while we were passing.

Maybe say that you have a family member that your staying with that way you can leave - You could probably even ask a family member to call you to make it seem like you need to leave.

She doesn't need to say or do anything, she's out of there, as you can tell by reading the OP's posts.

In fairness, I did have to re register half way through the thread as I managed to lock myself out of my account. So I get the confusion!

Anyway, children are all zonked in bed after a full day, so I’m going to enjoy a peaceful evening on my own in the (thankfully spotless 🤣) holiday cottage with some wine.

@crenellations I only just seen the thread on the right and read through the first wall. I'm still totally familiar with the platform 😆

If this was my freind I'd have to be totaly honest with her. Sit her down (if there's a space to sit in her house) and just sympathetically tell her that things have got out of hand in her home, you can't stay in that environment and she needs to get some help.

Yes you need to take a step back if she won't accept help. I had a friend like this ' her place wax rank. Dead rats in the Hall , we just couldn't stay there.

This is good another way that might help here is lead into it.... Maybe be like I was thinking about doing X (hiring a cleaner) do you recommend anyone - then try an segway into maybe her getting one and you splitting the bills to do both houses.

Ummm . . . OP and her friend live a long way away from each other. That's why she was planning on an overnight stay . . . .

Mmmm though she could say that hypothetical family member just try and lead it into the same area. I know telling her would help but it might really break her feelings people like that often are compensating and she might stand on a live grenade if she goes directly. Maybe even try and find a car boot sale and say the OP has some stuff and invites her friend to sort through stuff :-)

The cats are toilet trained! They are using the littler trays but she's not cleaning them out! Poor kids and poor cats too.

Tell her gently that the state of her is totally unreasonable to the children and even to the cats which are clean animals
Can't they afford a cleaner ?
I find the fact that they are doctors even more worrying, they should know better.