Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Oh I can't....it could potentially be too outing.

But I was absolutely astonished. The last thing I do when I leave my house to go away is hoover and I leave it immaculate even if no one was coming in whilst I was away, but this was mind boggling. Also an interesting view into other people's lives, my hands were itching the whole time I was in there, I just couldn't live with all that crap in my life, I couldn't eat off a hob that was covered in grease, I couldn't just sit and watch tv at night knowing all this detritus was around me.

One that really struck me was a lady whose house was an absolute tip but whilst he was working on her home she took herself out in the garden and sunbathed for the day, eating a sandwich, reading a magazine and having a lovely old time! I haven't been able to get that out of my mind as I just could not for the life of me sit in the garden with all that mess in my house.

You seem to be suggesting a woman person doesn't deserve any downtime until their house is clean and tidy. For all you know this woman could have been struggling to keep on top of things for any number of reasons. Does that mean she isn't allowed any relaxation or fun?

I think it's also a bit shit that your DH is coming home and sharing the 'horrors he sees' with you. Neither of you should be sitting in judgment of people you don't know.

I absolutely wasn't saying it wouldn't be in every area. The point I was trying to make is it is now area/resource dependent rather than a base line of what is concerning.
It's good to hear not everywhere has ended up in a downward spiral to safety net only the worst cases.

I actually feel quite strongly that situations like this should start with family and friends asking questions, and offering support, and if that doesn't help effect change, then schools (if appropriate) and social services should be involved, but it's a 'necessary evil' not a great solution to societies issues.

There's a very big difference between managing to keep things "clean and tidy to a high standard" as someone feels is being required of this couple, (it isn't) and a basic level of maybe messy, disorganized, and often running behind, but not 'feces all over carpets, stench, mold all over stuff as standard, and green slime in the bathroom not bothering anyone because we have better things to do.'
The families I know genuinely struggling with the absolute basics, are exactly that: struggling, (often as a result of unmet needs) not actively choosing that as a supposedly acceptable life for their children.
The one's choosing it are putting their own wants above their childrens needs.
"All fed, no one dead" is fine to use to breathe when things are difficult, but it shouldn't be permanently as good as it's planned to get...

I'm loving this thread, it's amusing seeing people say people who are house proud are of low intelligence, Doctors live in filthy squalor because of the government and their stressful job like no one else has a stressful job. And it's a middle class thing to not see dirt.

Stop making excuses for people who just don't give a shit about their house or see dirt. It has nothing to do with class. Some people just don't care or see it.

I hoovered when I got in from work last night, I was tired, grumpy and just wanted a shower after sitting in traffic on the motorway for an hour and half but it needed doing and took 5 minutes. I washed up the cats bowls whilst I thought about what I wasn't going to have for dinner, put a load of washing on before I went for a shower.

I always scoop out the cats litter tray every day, to not do so is absolutely horrible would you want to shit in a full toilet 🤢.

I have a great deal of respect for doctors and know that many of you do, indeed, work long, irregular hours. However, yours is not the only profession/job where long, irregular working hours are normal and it is not an excuse for living in unhygienic squalor. Doctors are well paid and l am sure could afford cleaners if they are unable or unwilling to clean their houses themselves. I do not like the idea of being treated by a medical professional who lives in such dirty conditions. It DOES equate to child neglect and if it were Wayne and Tracey from the local council estate who lived in such conditions with their children, then social services would very much be involved.

I agree. MH issues are not always the explanation. I too have known a few people throughout my life who, quite frankly, lived in a tip. They were happy, well adjusted and I got on well with them.
But they were bone idle tbh.
I would visit them and stuff just got left: wine glasses, coffee cups would build up in the living room. Snacks/sandwiches made and everything would be left out on the kitchen worktops - knives, crumbs, plates, clothes thrown o er the bannister, shoes in the hallway. There was stuff left around everywhere. No-one ever seemed to clear up or clean up unless absolutely necessary.
But I really liked them 😊

A messy house does not equate to filth.
A lot of people do find moving stuff on difficult, as in they feel a bit blocked.
It takes energy and perseverance to keep a well organised house, not something that all women have.
Sadly it comes from women in my view.
The cleanliness level in a house IMO is more likely to be at a level the woman is comfortable with.....yet another job we are responsible with.🙄
So if women are overwhelmed, struggling emotionally, suffering with their mental health ...even at a low level, or just straight up can't be arsed......then THAT will be the level the house will be at.

There is a massive difference between a messy home and a filthy home.
One I'd have no problem having a coffee in, the othet I would pass in.
The OP did the right thing in bailing, no way would I or my children stayed or eaten there.

I think if the OP wants to say something to her, well and good but it really is up to her as there are others who live closer to this family.

I cannot fathom allowing anyone in my friendship group accepting children in these living conditions.

I feel desperately sorry for children raised in such houses, it can only have a huge long term affect on so many levels, not least the shame and confusion

What was your friend's reaction, @Wellthisisshitty ?

Like anyone, she laughed and called me an idiot for “booking the wrong date” and said she was disappointed but it didn’t matter, it was nice to be able to meet up after so long.

But after speaking to our mutual friend, I should have just told her I wasn’t staying as it was a state, as other people have. She doesn’t care!

I have relatives who live like this. They are both middle class professionals with degrees and good jobs. The DW has a ND diagnosis and I suspect the DH may have similar.

I suspect they just don't see dirt and clutter the same way a NT brain would and therefore either it doesn't bother them or it's too overwhelming to comprehend. They were both very upset when a close relative cleaned their kitchen ( which is frankly a health hazard) and one is strongly resistant to getting a cleaner. When they stayed with us I noticed they seemed unable to take the small ongoing steps needed to keep clutter and cleaning under control- so rarely cleared up or threw things away.

They have two young DCs who are immaculately turned out at all times and are bright as buttons. I don't think it's ideal that the one time we visited it would be difficult and unappealing to play with toys or read books as everything was jumbled on the floor, but other than that they are well cared for.

She sounds a lazy sod to me 😆

She sounds a lazy sod to me 😆

Constructive.

This! Can’t you offer her help? I can’t believe people are suggesting you report her to social services before offering her help.

Hoarding is a symptom of very poor mental health.

Extend her some grace and ask her about it.

Sorry to be pedantic, but hoarding is the visible symptom of a specific mental health condition, which can present in different sub forms, some more or less problematic than others, not 'very poor mental health.'

I'm sorry but this is neglect on all accounts to herself, her children and animals and I would report this if I were you to social services. Otherwise it makes you complicit. Friend or not - the whole household needs professional help. Leave the house and say exactly why. If she can't look around and think this is not ok, she is not competent or well enough to look after herself, her children or animals. Especially if she hasn't even mentioned the mess

I think it will a kindness to tell her the truth. Have a frank but kind discussion about it. You would love to stay and you were so looking forward to the stop over but you can’t the place is too dirty. Ask her what is going on her life that prevents her from noticing.

Fake being unwell. Like fake vomit sounds etc, and leave. Play on how gutted you are to leave, then check into a hotel and turn off your phone 🤣

How ru finding the time to type all of this while you are with your friend?

I’d text hubby and get him to call and say neighbour at home has called him to say your house has been burgled and they’ve called police. Then tell her you have to head home.

In that instance, I'd probably tell the truth! This is grim, we cannot stay. Goodbye.

It either ends the friendship or it doesn't. But yuk.

Might not be a bad thing if your toddler actually did say that. It might make her realise just how filthy she is and sort herself out.

I would just tell her the reason you can't stay. It's a health risk for you and children as well as her family. I think sometimes we just have to bite the bullet, take a deep breath and tell the truth.

From your description l would not stay in that house, especially with dog crap everywhere, there really is no excuse for that, it's disgusting....Please stay in a Premier Inn or something like it, you cannot allow your children to stay in such a place, god knows what they could pick up...Make your excuses and leave. Best of luck

Yes. She certainly constructed a nice lazy day for herself 🤣