Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

I feel your pain, OP. This happened to me quite recently, and my lovely friend is a hospital worker.
Every surface of her kitchen was covered in dishes or rotting food, and the smell when you opened the fridge was so bad, that I couldn't eat unless we went out for the whole 2 days I was there, I felt physically sick.
I hope it is all resolved soon.

We never know who is fighting the "Black dog" your friend could have mental health problems, maybe she feels over whelmed with it all and could do with a helping hand to get back on track. No I have no idea how you will get out of staying with her. But just remember kindness costs nothing, none of us know what battles the others are facing.

I’m sorry but that house sounds like a total health hazard, how her children or herself haven’t come down with a serious illness I don’t know but it just be a matter of time before someone does, her children don’t deserve to be living like that it’s child neglect & abuse if social work saw those conditions the children would be removed very quickly hopefully to a family member if any were willing to take the kids & mum would be given a set time to get the house deep cleaned & then told to do parenting courses & lots of other things before any decisions would be made to whether she got the kids back, I’m a kinship carer so I know a little bit of how social work go about things, you would be a better friend if you sat & spoke to her to see why she has let the house get this bad, she may have depression or she may be completely overwhelmed with it all & doesn’t know where to start, that being the case if social work were involved then they would give her a support worker who would help her start with a room a week so she doesn’t need to feel overwhelmed & isn’t rushed it’s amazing what can be done in 7 days but if she doesn’t engage with anyone or says she doesn’t see any issues with her house then don’t make an excuse say you can’t stay the night, grab your kids & go then the following day call the social work department for that area tell them about the conditions of the house & that there are kids living there.

I'm not a tidy person but we're clean even if we have to lift up piles to clean underneath. That is an unacceptable level of dirt.

I thought it was going to be my mum until you said about her husband (my dad is deceased) and she doesn't have cats!
I feel really sorry for anyone who is invited to my mum's and that's a lot of people as she likes to be known for her 'hospitality' and good deeds.

It's fine helping out but this kind of person will have the place back to square one in 30 minutes. I know very well from experience. It's just not worth the effort horrible as that sounds. They are in denial.

100%. Hence why ongoing support and a plan is needed. Someone on their back literally every week to stop standards slipping again. Sad but true.

I think a lot of posters cant get their head around the fact that there are people who think this is normal. Who grew up sleeping in a bed with dogs eating out of dirty plates, sleeping in a messy bedroom, cat hair everywhere, dogs licking dishes off the sideboard etc - not because of neglect but because their parent thought it was not important. I met parents in our school who's houses are a tip - mud everywhere, clutter, dogs, etc. When I stayed over at one's house I had a bed with no bedding, just a mattress protector and a duvet with no cover... And a lot of clothes thrown on the floor around the bed. The parents think its fine, kids seems fine, too. One of the mums explained it to me - "I have no time for this nonsense, we are a busy household!". Its a weird mentality, something between a hippy and a farmer. Like, "a bit of dirt cant hurt you, toughen up".

And - believe me, SS would not give a shit as long as kids are fed, have clean clothes and a bed to sleep in. They don't look dirty when they leave the house, they are not hungry and are not physically abused. Leave the SS to deal with kids who are being beaten up and starved!

A bed with no bedding such as sheet, pillowcase and duvet cover would definitely also be a red flag. Believe me- I have seen it recorded many times.
Social services are much more aware now of the impact of this type of neglect in a way they maybe were less so thirty years ago.

Pretend you had an emergency and go to a hotel ?

I haven’t read to the end but I have one piece of advice.

get your bags into your car. Call your kids and get the heck out of there.

I have been in a similar situation. I just never went back. I’m too gutless to say clean your ferking mess up. I just run. And don’t look back.

aA for SS I’m not sure. She invited you….

Maybe a letter or email to say “sorry but I was in hell because of the state of your home”.

glas you were able to make an excuse not to stay there.

I hope you can contact SS to get them some help.
Hoarding is abusive and their poor children having to live in that filth every day.

But they let parents kill their children. Every news story I’ve seen recently about dead or abused children social services have been told and are involved. I don’t think they really are that bothered or are aware.

A cat using a litter tray is toilet trained!

I would agree it would be a red flag is combined with other issues; on its own - kind of doubt it. I literally know people who have 2-3 kids who lived like this. They are fine in all the other ways, kids do well at school, happy, travel a lot, have clean clothes and fresh food.

Do you think she might we'd help, did she seem herself?

I’m not always outspoken, but I think you owe it to your family and that woman’s children to just tell her. Now is not the time to lie or turn a blind eye.

I am not tactful so you would need to reword it: is everything okay? When was the last time you cleaned? I’m really sorry but I cannot stay at yours due to the mess, smell, and for hygiene reasons. Concerned I’m going to catch something. Not sure if she is aware of the state of her house and risk to their health?

Someone needs to say it and be a friend to those children and report to social services. That’s revolting 🤢 Could also indicate serious mental health issues.

That’s a bit of a sweeping generalisation of Mumsnet readers/contributors - we are all a mix of women who work full-time, part-time, SAHM - your comment is extremely patronising and dismissive of women generally. Are you a man per chance?

Agree not on its own but alongside other issues would be used as an indicator that something was amiss.

They don’t let parents kills their children, it is entirely the parents fault. You can only remove children if you have enough evidence.

Whether you tell her the truth now or make up an excuse in the short term, you are going to have to talk to her about this and report to social services. The children can’t be living in that squalor. You can guarantee their lives will be miserable, too embarrassed to bring friends round, probably picked on at school as they likely smell of cat pee etc…. It’s neglect. She might have a mental health issue.

She's clearly struggling and in denial. This isn't my partner's business with work for a few days mess and haven't had time this is properly grim. I'd not stay there.
She does need help, and support I like the honest (post above) don't shame ask if she's ok. But blinders are on and I think it's a major signal she's struggling to cope. Be a good friend but don't stay there!

Honestly, u have seen the amount of posts saying report to SS. If you’re a true friend then bring it up. Don’t be phoning the SS before. She’s your friend!!! Maybe she needs some help!!! Is she maybe depressed and no one knows. Please try and speak to her, she may shoot u down in flames but at least u tried!

Also SSO here, we don’t let that happen. We give every opportunity to let children stay with their family. We work together with families to ensure that children have a happy, healthy upbringing.

I have a relative like this. I just don’t stay there anymore, it’s revolting. She has never cared about hygiene or cleanliness. Constantly ill and getting skin infections etc.